Best 10 Medical Jokes Ever

1. Far Off

After examining his father, the doctor told his son:

– He's in the final stage of cancer, probably only has about 3 months left to live.

– On the way home, the father told his son to stop by the bar near their house for a drink. In the bar, he told everyone that he was dying of AIDS. Surprised, his son asked: Dad, you have cancer, why would you claim to have that disease of the century?

– I don't want anyone fooling around with you and your mother after I'm gone.

2. Signs of Pregnancy

In a medical school exam, the teacher asked:
- Can you tell me the signs of pregnancy?
- After hesitating for a while without knowing how to answer, the student heard a friend whispering: hair loss, crooked legs, swollen belly...
- He repeated them all. The teacher laughed and asked again:
- Are my legs crooked?
- Yes, sir, they are.
- Is my hair falling out?
- Yes, it is.
- Is my belly swollen?
- Yes, it is.
- Well, when I give birth, I'll let you pass the exam!

1. Aching Everywhere
Doctor:
- Where does it hurt? Show me with your hand!
Patient:
- It hurts here, here, here, here, here, basically everywhere…
Doctor:
- Well then, it seems like you're experiencing pain in your fingers!

2. Treating Football Addiction
A woman seeks advice at a psychological clinic:
– Doctor, my husband is overly obsessed with football, he doesn't pay any attention to me. Do you have any advice?
– You should pay more attention to your makeup and dress better.
– I'm already doing that, but it's not working!
– Try to be more tender and caring towards him with suggestive gestures and attire.
– Still not working.
– Final advice: Print his idol's jersey number on your nightdress. Good luck!

1. Occupational Malaise

A gynecologist, tired of his profession after many years, decides to pursue a new career. His childhood dream was to become an engineer. So, he enrolls in an engineering school.
After two years of diligent study, the graduation exam finally arrives. The test requires candidates to completely dismantle a machine and then reassemble it so that it functions perfectly. The former gynecologist completes the exam and anxiously awaits the results.
Upon receiving the score report, the ex-doctor jumps with surprise: he scored 150% of the maximum possible points. Perplexed, he calls the examiner to inquire and is explained:
– With the meticulous disassembly of the machine, you deserve 50% of the maximum points. I give you another 50% because you reassembled it perfectly. The remaining 50% bonus points are for performing all these feats through the oil dipstick hole.

2. Money Talks
To treat obesity, a doctor prescribes Roby 6 pills, one to be taken each night. On the first night, after taking the pill, Roby dreams of drowning and washing ashore on a deserted island, where he encounters a stunningly beautiful dark-skinned girl. He chases after her all over the island but can't catch up. He wakes up, drenched in sweat. The chase continues in the following nights. As a result, he loses 25 kg.
- Roby's friend, Brow, sees this and decides to seek treatment too. But after taking the first pill, Brow has a different dream.

He also finds himself on a deserted island, but there's no beautiful girl. Instead, there's a tribe of fierce natives chasing him to death. He also loses 25 kg.
- Brow asks the doctor why Roby's dreams are so exciting while his are terrifying. The doctor smiles: Well, Roby pays me in cash at the private clinic. And you, you come to the hospital with health insurance.''

1.Patient Worries About Medicine's Effect

A patient visits a psychiatrist, feeling gloomy, and says:

– Doctor, I feel like things haven't been going well for me lately.

The doctor asks:

– Can you be more specific?

– I no longer hear the strange voices in my head like before.

The doctor is surprised:

– Isn't that good news? It means the medication I prescribed for you is working.

The patient sighs with relief:

– Really? I've been worried that I might be going deaf!

2.Painter Thanks the Doctor
A painter suffers from severe eye pain and is treated by a skilled doctor, recovering in just two weeks. When the painter tries to pay, the doctor waves it off, saying: 'I don't need money, just paint me a picture as a gift.'

'What do you want me to paint?'

'You can paint anything, as long as it's a painting done by your own hand.' A week later, upon receiving the painting from the painter's hand, the doctor exclaims: 'Oh my God! Thank goodness I'm not a gynecologist!'

Turns out, in the painting, the painter depicts a very large eye, with a portrait of the doctor in the middle, very beautiful and vivid...

1. Misunderstanding Mishap

An employee arrives at the office with both ears bandaged. The boss, surprised, asks:

– What happened to you?

– Well, yesterday, my wife was out, so I had to do the ironing. When she called me, I accidentally picked up the iron instead of the phone.

– Ridiculous! Why is your other ear bandaged too?

– Oh, that's because I mistakenly called the doctor again in a hurry.

2. Brave Endurance

A couple visits the dentist, and the husband eagerly states:

– Keep it simple, Doc. No need for anesthesia or painkillers. Just yank that tooth out.

The dentist, impressed, remarks: It's amazing how well you endure pain. Alright, show me which tooth is causing trouble.

– Immediately, the husband turns to his wife: Darling, show the dentist your bad tooth!

1. Self-inflicted Mishap

A dentist asks a colleague:
- So, did you manage to get paid for making dentures for that guy the other day?
- Well, when I went to collect the payment, his lower denture fell out, and he ran off without paying.
- How is that your responsibility? If it fell out, it's the customer's problem; you're not liable!
- But during the altercation, I accidentally made it fly out of his mouth!

2. Forgotten During Surgery

Pat just woke up from anesthesia. He groans:
- Oh my God, is it over already?
- Don't think so. The patient next to him says. They forgot a sponge inside me, and I had to be operated on again!
- A patient in the front bed grumbles: Well, they forgot scissors in my belly once, and another time, a bottle of alcohol!
- Right then, the surgeon who operated on Pat calls down the hall: Has anyone seen my hat?
- Pat faints upon hearing this.

1. Doctor and Mental Patients

In a mental hospital, a doctor sees patients climbing a tall tree outside his office window. He rushes out and says: 'It's very dangerous up there, come down.'
One patient says: 'There's something fun up here, doc.'
Curious, the doctor climbs up to see. As he nears the top branch, the patients say: 'Hey guys! Let's play ripe fruit dropping.'
They then start dropping bags down to the ground. Seeing the doctor still up high, they shout: 'Why isn't that green one falling?'
The doctor, panicking, replies: 'I...I'm still green.'
The patients cheer excitedly: 'Then let's throw rocks and see who can knock the green fruit down'...
The next day, the hospital has a new patient.

2. Sign of Deafness

- Doctor, please save my husband immediately. He's gone deaf.
- How long?
- Just today, sir.
- How are you so sure?
- Today, we went to a clothing store together. When the saleswoman mentioned the price, my husband should've looked horrified, but he just grinned foolishly as if nothing was wrong.

1.Young Woman's Disappointment

After examining a female patient, the doctor said:
- Ma'am! I want to share some good news with you.
The female patient, with an unhappy face, corrected him right away:
- It's Miss, not Ma'am, Doctor! I'm still very young and unmarried, don't you understand?
The doctor apologized:
- Yes, Miss! I understand now, and now I want to share some bad news with you: you're pregnant.

1.Sure... Only Certain...

- Doctor, are you sure I have lung disease?
- Absolutely sure, 99.99%.
- But I heard about a patient who was treated by that doctor for lung disease and died of stomach disease.
- Oh, don't worry, I never make that mistake. If I treat lung disease, the only way you're going to die is from lung disease.

2.Laughing Death

A farmer who smoked a lot of pipe tobacco got pneumonia. One day, he coughed up blood. His family, seeing this, took him to the clinic. When they arrived, the attending doctor asked:
- What happened?
- Well... he vomited blood, doctor!
So the doctor hastily wrote in the medical record: 'Vomited blood.' Then he said briskly:
- Take him to the District, it's a serious case.
At the district hospital, the on-duty doctor glanced at the messy medical record:
- Oh, for heaven's sake, how ignorant! Without even marking the grave tone, 'vomited' what the heck is that supposed to mean? Then he yelled:
- Take the family to the Province immediately (after carefully adding a big grave accent)
At the provincial hospital, the on-duty doctor cursed:
- Damn those uneducated people! Using vulgar language, studying for so long and still don't know how to properly refer to the 'rectum.' Then he shouted:
- Where's the nurse, she's about to give birth, this person is having a hemorrhage...
The ambulance roared loudly, nobody paid attention to the patient, the nurse pushed the cart into the emergency room, reached out to examine between the 'maternity' legs and yelled:
- It's breech birth, I've got one leg of the baby...

1.Law of Contraception

A strapping young man came to ask the doctor: 'Tell me the most effective way to avoid pregnancy without using medication.'
- What do you do for a living?
- I'm a boxer, sir.
- Then just apply the law of boxing.
- But what does that have to do with contraception?
- Why not? This law stipulates that when punching the opponent, you have to punch from the abdomen and up!

2.Don't Forget to Call Back

At a private clinic.
- Hello, is this the doctor? I feel very tired, I hope you can come and check me out.
- I'm sorry, ma'am, the doctor is currently away. I'm just the duty nurse. The doctor is busy attending a conference and won't be back for three more days. Please understand, you can call back then.
- Three days from now? But what if I die by then?
- In that case, please remember to have your family call back so I can remove your name from the appointment book!