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Understanding and reconnecting with grown children who have grown apart
Children grow up and move away, and that’s natural. But when that physical distance is accompanied by emotional distance, it may leave you feeling deserted or sidelined as a parent, or questioning where you went wrong. We’ll tell you right now that patience, understanding, and self-awareness are key to reconnecting with a distant child. But we won’t leave you hanging there; we’ll fill you in on the reasons your son or daughter may be distant, how to reconnect, and how to find your own peace, so you can live your life to the fullest while you repair your family ties.
This article is based on an interview with our marriage and family therapist, Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Check out the full interview here.
Essential Information
- Your child’s emotional distance may be caused by changing family dynamics, a need for more freedom, or negative experiences in their childhood.
- Reach out to your child with a phone call or letter. Explain that you regret the distance between you, and that you want to take steps to bridge it.
- Respect your child’s boundaries and wishes regarding your relationship. Often, a little distance can actually be healthy, in the long run.
Actionable Steps
Why Your Child Might Seem Distant
They're Still Exploring Their Teenage Years Adolescence is a tumultuous time of self-discovery and change, both for your child and for your relationship with them. Even as they transition into adulthood, they're still navigating their identity and their connection to you, which can create distance as you both adjust to new roles.
- This is particularly noticeable as they form new relationships and encounter adult experiences. They may crave privacy as they assert their independence, which is natural.
Seeking Independence Your child desires autonomy and freedom, a natural part of their journey into adulthood. They may feel suffocated by perceived control or interference, prompting them to assert their independence by distancing themselves.
- It's crucial to acknowledge their adulthood and respect their freedom and choices.
- Being overly involved can signal a lack of trust in their abilities, leading to frustration.
Feeling Unsupported Lack of parental support can drive a wedge between you and your child. They may believe their needs were overlooked or overshadowed by a sibling, or that their ambitions were not encouraged. Consequently, they seek support elsewhere, deepening the emotional gap.
Impacts of Divorce Even amicable divorces leave a lasting impact on children. The upheaval can leave them feeling unsettled or resentful. If divorce occurred, your child may harbor unresolved emotions, distancing themselves emotionally, especially if details were withheld, leaving them confused.
- They may feel torn between parents or fear relationship instability, given their family history.
- Support your child through this transition by transparently discussing the divorce, your feelings, and reaffirming your love.
- Reader Poll: According to a survey of 730 Mytour readers, 64% agree that avoiding spending time together can indicate resentment towards parents. [Take Poll]
Clash of Personalities and Values Sometimes, as adults, you and your child may simply have divergent personalities or values that create friction when you're together. These differences, especially if you spent a lot of time together previously, can lead to distancing. Your expectations or desires for them, whether in career, religion, or other aspects of life, may clash with theirs, prompting them to withdraw.
- Remember, imposing your values onto your child often backfires. Leading by example is more effective than preaching.
Effects of Childhood Trauma Past traumas from childhood can profoundly affect your child's behavior and relationships, possibly contributing to their emotional distance. These experiences, whether related to you or not, shape how they interact with others, including you.
- While it's crucial to support your child through trauma, ultimately, their healing process is their choice.
Reconnecting with a Distant Child
Initiate Contact Without Pressure Taking the first step in reaching out is essential, but it's important not to overwhelm them. A simple phone call or heartfelt letter can initiate a conversation without confrontation, allowing them the space to process their feelings privately.
- You might express regret for the distance and your desire to reconnect.
Open Communication and Empathy Repairing a strained relationship requires open dialogue and empathy. Express your feelings honestly and encourage them to do the same. Offering an apology, even if you don't believe you're entirely at fault, demonstrates your commitment to strengthening the relationship.
- Avoid blaming your child; instead, focus on understanding their perspective.
Invest Time and Show Genuine Interest Once you've reignited the bond, prioritize shared interests. Schedule regular conversations, whether in person or virtually, focusing on commonalities rather than differences.
- For instance, if you share grandchildren, discuss their activities without imposing advice, respecting their role as parents.
- Respect your child's pace; don't pressure them into deeper conversations.
Respect Their Boundaries Reconnecting with a distant child is their decision. Honor their choices and understand that giving them autonomy can strengthen your relationship. Express readiness to reconnect while respecting their need for space.
- Affirm that you're available whenever they're ready to engage.
EXPERT TIP
Anna Svetchnikov
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Rebuilding Trust with Distant Teen Daughters Striking a balance between family time and independence is key when reconnecting with distant teen daughters. Establish set times for bonding while respecting their need for space. Understanding their autonomy while nurturing family ties fosters trust and communication.
Finding Inner Peace
Cultivate Other Family Bonds While repairing your relationship with your child, don't neglect your other familial connections. Engage with other family members to maintain strong, positive relationships. Apply lessons learned from your experiences with your child to understand and respect individual family members, avoiding unnecessary involvement where unwelcome.
- Spend quality time with your other children or siblings, nurturing those bonds through shared activities or visits.
- During family gatherings, refrain from pressuring others to take sides or discussing matters that exclude your child's perspective, while still confiding in loved ones with sensitivity to your child's privacy.
Nurture Friendships Expand your social circle beyond family to include close friends and neighbors. These relationships provide additional support and a sense of belonging outside of family dynamics.
- Consider hosting regular gatherings or joining clubs for shared interests to strengthen connections and enjoy meaningful interactions.
Focus on Personal Growth While navigating a strained relationship with your child, prioritize self-care and personal development. Redirect your energy into hobbies or goals to cultivate a fulfilling life independent of your child's behavior.
- Dedicate time to artistic pursuits, career advancement, outdoor activities, or learning new skills through community classes.
Prioritize Physical Health Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially during stressful times. Nurturing your body enhances your overall well-being, enabling you to tackle challenges with your child more effectively. Incorporate regular exercise and wholesome meals into your routine to prioritize self-care.
- Strive for daily walks and consider joining fitness or yoga classes for consistent physical activity.
Seek Professional Support You don't have to face this alone! Consulting with a therapist can provide invaluable insight into your relationship with your child. Through therapy, explore the root causes of your distance and develop strategies to reconnect. Having a reliable confidant to guide you through life's challenges can be immensely beneficial.
