Dealing with Your Partner's Lack of Defense to Family

Pick the right moment for the conversation. Bringing up your partner's family is delicate, so choose a time when they're receptive. Avoid discussing this when they're angry, tired, or stressed. Opt for a time when both of you are in a positive mood and relatively relaxed. It might help to have the discussion during a shared activity rather than face-to-face to ease tension. For example, while driving or doing chores together, say, 'Honey, I've been wanting to discuss your family. I sometimes feel judged by them, and I sense a lack of support from you.' Also, understand that your partner may need time to digest your words, so consider breaking up the conversation into multiple talks. Be empathetic to their needs and give them space to process.

Express to your partner how their family's behavior impacts you emotionally. Be transparent about what troubles you. Your partner might not be aware of the effects their family's actions have on you.

• Use 'I' statements to convey your feelings. For instance, say something like, 'I feel upset when we're around your family because of their remarks towards me.'
• Attempt to maintain a neutral tone during this discussion, even if you're feeling frustrated. Your partner might become defensive if they perceive your anger.
• Communicate like this: 'I understand you care about your mom, but her constant criticism about our parenting bothers me. It's becoming hard for me to enjoy family gatherings.'

Request your partner's support in standing up for you. It's often most effective for your partner to address issues within their own family. Express your need for their backing.

• You could say, 'Next time your mom comments on our parenting choices, could you intervene and support our decisions? Your solidarity would mean a lot to me.'
• Avoid placing blame for past lack of support. Focus on what you require moving forward.

Avoid attacking anyone's character. Criticizing your partner's family members personally may lead your partner to defend them instinctively. Stick to presenting facts when you discuss the matter. Refer to specific incidents and refrain from making judgments about character.

• Similarly, steer clear of using absolute terms like 'always' and 'never.' These statements are seldom accurate and often provoke arguments.
• Keep in mind your partner's affection for their family and their natural loyalty towards them.

Collaborate with your partner to devise solutions. Your partner understands their family dynamics better and may offer valuable insights on managing them. Work together to brainstorm ways to prevent conflicts and hurt feelings during future family gatherings.

• For instance, assess the situation with your partner and devise a strategy based on each family member's personality. Maybe your partner knows how to handle a particular family member's behavior, which could improve your interactions. They might suggest, 'Aunt Sarah tends to criticize everyone I date. Ignoring her comments might be the best approach.'
• You might even role-play scenarios and practice responses together. This can facilitate your partner's intervention when necessary.

Practice active listening techniques.

Even delicate topics can be approached more effectively when both of you engage in active listening. This entails listening with the intent to understand rather than to respond. When your partner speaks, try the following:

• Maintaining intermittent eye contact
• Minimizing distractions such as phones or TV
• Adopting open body language (e.g., relaxed arms and legs)
• Seeking clarification through questions (e.g., 'Do you mean...?')
• Summarizing their points to ensure comprehension (e.g., 'It seems like you're saying...')
• Waiting until they finish speaking before replying

Consider seeking couples therapy. If you and your partner are struggling to resolve family conflicts, couples counseling can facilitate better understanding between you. A skilled therapist can teach you effective communication techniques and assist in devising mutually agreeable solutions.

• You could propose, 'Honey, it seems challenging for you to assert yourself with your family. I believe seeing a therapist could offer valuable insights on managing this. Would you be open to that?'

Draw a clear line between your relationship and their family. You're in a relationship with your partner, not their entire family. Don't let issues with your partner's family members spill over and affect your relationship.

• If you sense the conflict straining your relationship, take a moment to recall the qualities you admire in your partner unrelated to their family. Jot these down and revisit the list occasionally.
• For instance, if interactions with your partner's family occur infrequently, such as during holidays or special occasions, you may find it easier to overlook any tension since you don't encounter it often.'

Negotiate boundaries with your partner. Sit down together and establish sensible limits collaboratively. Consider actions both of you can take to minimize conflict and maintain harmony within your families.

• For example, one boundary could be that overnight stays by your partner's family members are not permitted during visits.
• Another boundary might involve excluding family input on certain decisions, such as family planning, religious practices, or choice of residence.

Delegate the communication of your family's boundaries to your partner. It's crucial for your partner's family to be informed of the new guidelines you've established. Your partner should convey these boundaries to their family members, and both of you can enforce them when necessary. Maintain a firm but polite stance. However, if someone disregards the boundaries and insults you, stand up for yourself.

• Ensure that your partner's family understands the rationale behind your boundaries.
• You or your partner could express, 'We appreciate your concern, but we'd prefer not to discuss our finances further. Our financial decisions are personal.'

Uphold your boundaries. It may be necessary to occasionally remind your partner's family about the boundaries you've set. Adjusting to new behaviors takes time, especially when people are accustomed to acting in a certain manner.

• If your boundaries are breached, reinforce them by saying, 'Remember, we agreed not to have children, Mom/mother-in-law. Could you please respect our decision, even if you disagree?'

Exude confidence and assertiveness. Remind yourself that you're an adult capable of making your own decisions. While dealing with older family members like your partner's parents might evoke feelings of being subordinate, it shouldn't. If you feel subjected to harassment or negative judgment, it's within your rights to stand up for yourself.

• Assertiveness doesn't equate to disrespect. You can assert yourself while maintaining respect and kindness.
• For example, you can assertively state, 'I understand you may not be familiar with my culture, but observing this holiday is important to me and Henry. I value your beliefs, and I'd appreciate similar consideration for mine.'

Initiate a conversation with your partner's family. If you encounter difficulties with a specific individual, consider addressing the issue directly. Taking proactive steps to resolve conflicts demonstrates maturity and may garner respect from them.

• It's preferable to address problems promptly rather than allowing them to fester over time. You could say, 'Josie, when you interrupt me like that, it undermines my ability to express myself. I'd appreciate it if you allowed me to finish before sharing your thoughts.'

Redirect unwanted advice or comments. In situations where your partner's family frequently offers unsolicited advice or criticism, prepare a few neutral responses to steer the conversation elsewhere. Preparing these responses in advance can help you maintain composure in the moment.

• When faced with unsolicited advice from an elder, respond politely with phrases like, 'How fascinating!' or 'That's an interesting perspective!' For example, if your partner's mother suggests alternative methods of feeding your children, inquire about her approach when raising her own kids.
• Other effective responses include 'That's an interesting suggestion, I'll consider it' and 'Thank you for your input, but we've decided to proceed differently.'

Consider reducing your interaction with your partner's family. If resolving conflicts with them seems impossible, it might be best to limit your contact. Skipping family gatherings could help maintain peace and prevent strain on your relationship. Alternatively, if you prefer not to skip events, set a time limit for your attendance.

• Reducing contact is advisable if your partner's family is openly abusive or disrespectful. Individuals displaying such behavior are unlikely to change.