Guide to Dispensing Advice

Stay open-minded. The initial and most crucial step in offering sound advice is to remain non-judgmental towards the other person. No one should feel inferior or criticized for a single choice they've made. We all have different circumstances, and what you've achieved with your resources is unrelated to someone else's situation.

• Maintain a composed demeanor and recall your mother's wisdom: if you can't say anything kind, it's best to remain silent.

Set aside personal biases. While we all have our own perspectives on what's right or wrong, the goal of offering advice is to empower individuals to make their own decisions rather than imposing our views on them. Strive to detach your personal opinions from the conversation and focus on assisting them in reaching their own conclusions.

• For instance, if your friend is contemplating an abortion but you hold opposing views, avoid imposing your stance. Instead, present a balanced discussion of arguments both for and against the decision.
• Only when directly asked, 'What would you do?', should you reveal your personal opinion, providing clear reasoning behind it for better understanding.

Be transparent. Acknowledge if you lack expertise. Often, being a supportive listener suffices, as individuals primarily seek a sounding board. However, it's crucial not to portray yourself as an authority when you're not one.

• It's acceptable to refrain from saying, 'I understand how you feel'; instead, validate their emotions without presuming to fully comprehend their experiences.

Instill confidence in them. Sometimes, individuals only require assurance that someone believes in their ability to make the right choice. Be that source of encouragement, especially when no one else can fulfill that role. Affirm their capabilities by saying, 'This decision is challenging, but I trust in your judgment. You possess the courage to navigate through this.'

Recognize appropriate moments for intervention. Intervening involves offering unsolicited advice, which may not always be welcomed. Determine when it's suitable to intervene, typically when there's concern for someone's safety or well-being.

• For instance, intervening due to disapproval of a romantic partner is unwarranted. However, if you suspect your friend is experiencing abuse, it's imperative to step in.
• While firm guidance may be necessary in some cases, it can provoke defensiveness. Balancing intervention with sensitivity is essential, albeit challenging.

Start by listening. When someone seeks your advice, begin by simply listening. Often, all they need is a sympathetic ear. Let them express themselves fully, without interruption, as this enables them to process their thoughts and emotions. Refrain from offering input until they've finished speaking, unless immediate feedback is required. Sometimes, by attentively listening to their entire narrative, you can identify the underlying issue easily.

Delay offering opinions. If they request your opinion prematurely, respond evasively and request more details. It's crucial to form a comprehensive opinion based on all available information before providing advice. They might attempt to elicit a premature response to align with their desired outcome. Hence, it's essential to gather all facts beforehand.

Engage with probing questions. Following their narrative, inquire further to gain additional insights. This not only helps you develop a well-rounded perspective but also encourages them to consider alternative viewpoints or solutions. Pose questions such as:

• 'What prompted that decision?'
• 'When did you communicate this to him/her?'

Assess their receptiveness to advice. Before offering guidance, inquire whether they're open to receiving it. Some individuals may prefer venting without seeking solutions. If you believe your advice is warranted, reassure them that it's merely a suggestion, not an obligation. Respect their decision; if they decline, offer continued support by saying, 'I'm here for you if you need assistance with anything in the future.'

Take time to ponder the issue, if possible. If you have the luxury of a day or even a few hours to reflect on their problem and potential solutions, utilize that time to thoroughly consider every possible approach. You might also seek advice from someone more knowledgeable on the matter. However, since people often seek immediate assistance when asking for advice, you may need to respond to the best of your ability initially and follow up later.

Guide them through the obstacles. Identify the challenging aspects of the situation and discuss why they present difficulties. Sometimes, what appears to be an insurmountable hurdle can be easily overcome with a fresh perspective.

• 'You're contemplating a move but fear it's unfeasible. What are the primary obstacles? Finding a job, correct? Anything else? Concerns about leaving your dad alone, understood.'

Assist them in gaining an outsider's view of the problem. People often struggle to see the bigger picture or explore alternative solutions because they're fixated on minor issues. Offer an external perspective to help them take a step back and assess the situation comprehensively.

• For instance, if your friend worries about being judged for bringing her older boyfriend to a party, remind her that she likely won't know many attendees, rendering judgment inconsequential.

Present all available options. Review the options they've considered and propose new ones they may not have thought of. At this stage, it's essential to prevent premature dismissal of options, ensuring each is evaluated impartially and in relation to others.

• If they reject options, delve deeper to uncover underlying reasons, which may be based on misconceptions.
• Suggest: 'You're contemplating informing your husband of your pregnancy during financial strain. Consider waiting until you secure details about a potential job or exploring assistance programs before discussing it with him.'

Facilitate the assessment of those options. Once all options are laid out, collaborate to weigh the pros and cons, aiming for a more objective understanding of potential solutions.

• 'Proposing marriage to your boyfriend is an option, but it may make him feel judged. Alternatively, arranging a double date with me and James could offer insight into his hesitation.'

Provide available information. Share any relevant advice or insights based on experience or additional information to help them make informed decisions after discussing the options. This added information can assist them in solidifying their stance on the available choices.

• Remember to maintain a neutral tone and avoid injecting bias or judgment into your advice.

Understand when to be firm and when to be gentle. While most situations call for a positive and motivating approach, there are times when brutal honesty is necessary. Learning to discern between the two can be challenging, as there's no one-size-fits-all solution. Typically, intervention becomes crucial when someone's actions are self-destructive and they're failing to learn from their mistakes.

• However, if your relationship with the individual is strained or they don't handle criticism well, delivering harsh truths may strain your relationship further.
• Even when offering tough love, it's vital to remain compassionate and avoid outright hostility.

Highlight the unpredictability of the future. Often, individuals seeking advice desire certainty. Remind them that no one can predict the future or offer guarantees. Assure them of your support regardless of the outcome, emphasizing that life will continue regardless of the results.

Offer assistance if needed. In situations where external intervention could resolve the issue, such as interpersonal conflicts or overwhelming workloads, extend your help. Although they may decline, it's essential to follow through on your offer if extended.

• If you doubt your ability to assist effectively, refrain from offering direct help but offer to connect them with someone who can.

Continue offering your support. As they navigate their challenging situation, maintain your support for them in any way you can. Whether it's cheering them on or covering their shift at work, showing that you're there for them can make a significant difference.

Provide supplementary resources. Conduct some research on their problem and share useful links or recommend relevant books that could help them. Equipping them with the necessary tools empowers them to address their issues independently.

Stay updated on their progress. If they don't initiate follow-up conversations, take the initiative to inquire about any developments (unless they've expressed a desire to avoid discussing it further). This demonstrates your genuine concern and commitment to resolving their problem.

• Having some knowledge about the topic they need assistance with (e.g., dating, friendships, school) is beneficial. If you lack expertise in the area, inform them that you're not an expert.
• Regularly check in with them to see how they're coping and if things are improving.
• Be particularly cautious about not causing any unintentional harm to their feelings.

• If you suspect someone may pose a danger to themselves, promptly seek assistance from a qualified professional.