Guidelines for Supporting Your Parents Through Divorce as an Adult

Discover who else is informed about the impending divorce.

If your siblings or step-siblings are unaware, wait until your parents have had the opportunity to discuss it with them individually.

• Ensure your parents notify your other siblings promptly. It's crucial they hear it directly from your parents rather than through hearsay. It's essential for the family to address this collectively.

Engage in conversations with your parents, siblings, and spouse to determine the most appropriate time to inform your children about their grandparents' divorce.

• Take into account the geographical distance between you and your relatives. If there's a risk of them hearing about it from someone else, organize a family meeting to break the news.
• Explain to your children that you'll be supporting your parents as much as possible, and your attention may be divided.
• Reassure them that their grandparents remain who they are, and encourage them to maintain their relationships independently.
• Consider the age and bond between your children and their grandparents.

Open up discussions about the situation with your siblings.

Maintain transparent communication and agree to handle matters openly and candidly.

• Commit to remaining impartial and sharing information to support each other and your parents during this challenging period.

Address the situation with your step-siblings if your parent has remarried.

Naturally, everyone may lean towards supporting their birth parent, but strive to remain objective and keep lines of communication open with your step-siblings. Offer your support and let them know you're there for them if they need anything.

Assure your parents of your support while also making it clear that you won't be pressured to pick sides.

• Request that your parents avoid making negative remarks about your other parent. However, considering your maturity, this might not pose a significant issue. It's something you'll need to navigate independently.
• Discuss this approach with your siblings.

Consider past experiences.

Recall that previous divorces, especially those involving custody battles, may have left your parents feeling bitter and resentful about the divorce process. They may have undergone divorce themselves as children, leading to certain anxieties and apprehensions about their own divorce.

Discourage aggressive legal actions.

Urge your siblings to adopt the same stance. Advocate for maintaining calmness and acceptance regarding the situation; remind everyone that the intimate relationship at stake is between two individuals. Despite any desires for a different outcome, it's inappropriate for any of you to incite legal conflicts.

Offer assistance.

• You may be required to assist in organizing and moving belongings.
• Your support may be needed.
• You and your siblings might need to help a parent with tasks like lawn care or laundry if these were previously managed by the other parent.

Inquire about the necessity for you and/or your siblings to attend meetings with attorneys or financial advisors.

Propose to your parents that they update their wills, medical powers of attorney, etc. after the divorce. These documents must be revised to ensure the protection of all parties involved.

Have a conversation with your parents regarding any medical preferences or long-term care details that were previously handled by the spouse.

• Determine your parents' burial preferences.
• Inquire about family burial plots and discuss alternate arrangements if the divorce affects burial rights.
• If either parent has medical issues, consider attending a doctor's appointment to understand their condition, medications, and update the next of kin information.

Coordinate holiday plans, grandchildren's events, and family gatherings with your siblings.

• Ensure both parents receive equal time and consideration during holidays and events.
• Consider hosting family gatherings at your or your siblings' homes instead of your parents' home. Offer to cook or organize potluck meals if necessary.
• Arrange separate holiday visits, such as having lunch with one parent and dinner with the other.

Arrange a trip or vacation with one or both of your parents to explore new experiences.

Be aware of your boundaries.

Given your close proximity to the situation and the trust placed in you by both parties, it's easy to become overly involved. While it's fine to lend an ear, ensure that a parent's negativity doesn't detrimentally affect your own well-being.

• If a parent becomes overly dependent, consider stepping back and reducing your availability.
• You may need to establish boundaries by declaring certain days or events off-limits for discussing the divorce. Encourage them to focus on other topics and take their mind off the subject for a while.

Avoid assuming a parental role with your parents.

They may begin to blur the lines between your role as a child and that of a psychologist or attorney. Allow them to make their own decisions. Offer guidance and suggest professional assistance, but refrain from lecturing or becoming overly involved.

Encourage your parents to engage in activities that divert their attention.

This could include volunteer work or social engagements—anything to keep them occupied and stave off loneliness.

• Assist them in finding hobbies and activities involving other older adults with similar interests.
• Encourage them to explore interests they may not have pursued during their marriage.

Allow yourself time to mourn.

Just because you're an adult doesn't mean you won't experience emotional turmoil. The breakup of your parents evokes memories of your family's past, making it difficult to accept their separation. Take the necessary time to grieve and process this information. After all, it marks the end of your childhood era, and such loss isn't easily overcome.

• Aunts and uncles may also become involved in the situation. Keep in mind they may show bias towards their sibling. Exercise patience as they form part of your parents' support network. Be cautious of those who escalate tensions or create unnecessary drama. Consider limiting conversations with them to topics concerning your parents' well-being. Promptly discourage gossip or other disruptive behaviors.

• Many older individuals going through divorce experience feelings of loneliness and depression. Keep an eye on your parents and suggest seeking help from a healthcare professional if needed.

• Have open discussions about the situation with your siblings. Lean on each other for support, discuss challenges, or simply vent when discussing certain topics with your parents might not be appropriate.