Buzz
Are you feeling frustrated because your grown children are still living at home, despite being capable of supporting themselves? Is your household beginning to resemble a hotel with complimentary accommodations? If you've decided it's time for one or more of your children to embark on their own journey, but they seem reluctant to take flight, here's what you can do.
Steps to Take
Evaluating Your Child's Situation
Objectively assess the circumstances. As a parent, you may experience conflicting emotions about encouraging your child to move out. While you may enjoy their company and wish to shield them from hardships, you may also sense that they're not contributing their fair share. It's crucial to navigate through these emotions before broaching the subject with your child.
Compile a list of reasons why you want your child to move out. Be truthful -- address any discomforts you feel about your child residing at home, and don't suppress your concerns out of guilt. Some reasons may be obvious, such as if your child shows blatant disrespect for your privacy or belongings. Others may be more subtle and personal, like overhearing intimate moments with their partner(s), or realizing you're the one always handling their laundry.
- Consider whether there are genuine barriers preventing your child from living independently. Sometimes, parents hesitate to encourage their child to leave if they believe the child lacks the means to support themselves. However, in most cases, the child is perfectly capable of independence, albeit with some adjustments -- like transitioning from a house to a modest apartment with roommates. If this is the case, understand that by allowing your child to stay, you're prioritizing their comfort over actual circumstances.
Respect your child's privacy. It's already challenging for your child to establish their individuality while living under your roof, without adding parental distrust to the mix. Refrain from invading your child's privacy by snooping through their belongings. As adults, open communication is key, so feel free to directly address any questions or concerns you may have.
Addressing the Need for Independence
Present a united front. It's common for one parent to advocate for the child's departure while the other hesitates. However, before nudging your child toward independence, ensure both parents are aligned in their approach. Refer to How to Compromise With Your Spouse
for guidance.
Discuss with your child if they desire to move out. This straightforward inquiry can reveal significant insights into why your child continues to reside at home. Typically, their response will include qualifiers like 'Yes, but...' followed by a list of obstacles preventing them from leaving immediately. Evaluate these reasons objectively, recognizing that undisclosed motives - the real reasons - likely exist. For instance, they may appreciate the convenience of having you handle their chores or the privilege of using your car without financial obligations. Additionally, inquire about their aspirations to gain insight into their future plans. The objective is to address their articulated concerns (often excuses) methodically, supported by factual information:
- 'I'm actively job hunting.' Is this genuinely the case? How diligently are they scouring job listings and networking? Are they supplementing their search with volunteer work to expand their network and fill gaps in their resume? Are they holding out for the ideal job, refusing to consider temporary or entry-level positions?
- 'I can't afford my own place.' Is it a matter of financial constraints or a desire to maintain the same standard of living as at home? Perhaps they cannot afford accommodations in your neighborhood, which may be indicative of career aspirations. Evaluate nearby living arrangements accessible to other young adults. Do they perceive these options as inferior? Do you share this perception?
- 'I'm saving for a home, vehicle, graduate school, etc.' This is a valid reason for remaining at home, provided they demonstrate accountability. How much have they saved? What are their savings goals? Are they consistent in their saving habits, or do expenditures fluctuate based on entertainment options? If financial independence is their objective, they should be willing to provide documentation to substantiate their claims, similar to requirements for financial assistance applications. Consequently, establishing a mature, adult-to-adult relationship is imperative.
Establishing a Time Limit
If you've determined that your adult child is prepared to move out, set a deadline. Clearly communicate the deadline for vacating the premises or commencing rent payments, along with expectations for contributing to utilities and other expenses. The obligation to contribute financially can incentivize independence.
- Encourage your adult child to devise a plan, such as securing employment, saving money, and searching for suitable housing.
- Procure packing supplies and a calendar; conspicuously mark off the days leading up to the deadline.
As the deadline approaches, discuss which belongings the adult child will take with them. Address items like furniture and bedding, determining what will remain in the household.
If the deadline elapses without action, take decisive measures. Issue invoices and payment requests. Failure to comply may result in discontinuation of services such as cable and phone connections.
If the adult child presents yet another excuse for delaying their departure, impose rent for their room. Facing financial responsibility for their living space is likely to motivate them to expedite their departure.
Helpful Advice
- Consider more drastic measures such as relocating. Some parents opt for retirement in a distant, serene locale where their adult children may find less entertainment, or where individuals below retirement age aren't permitted. Alternatively, you can downsize your residence and explain to your child the need to save for retirement, emphasizing the limited space available in the smaller dwelling.
- If financially feasible, a generous gesture some parents make is to collect rent from their adult children. While a portion may go toward household expenses, the bulk is saved in a special account. Upon the child's voluntary departure or when asked to leave, parents surprise them with the accumulated rent. This fund assists with initial payments like deposits and first/last month's rent, often catching the child off guard as they had no prior knowledge of the savings plan. Maintaining the illusion of routine rent payments fosters a sense of financial responsibility.
- In regions with high rental costs such as New York or San Francisco, the 'I can't afford a place' excuse may arise frequently. Although challenging, young adults can manage in these cities by opting for less affluent neighborhoods or sharing accommodations with roommates. Regardless of the living arrangement, independence is cultivated once the child no longer resides under parental roof.
Cautionary Notes
- Ensure your child isn't grappling with mental health issues like depression, which can severely impact their well-being. Offer support and assistance in seeking professional help if necessary, even though legal obligations may no longer apply once the child reaches adulthood.
- Before resorting to extreme measures such as changing locks or removing belongings, familiarize yourself with local eviction laws pertaining to family members. Despite non-payment of rent, eviction regulations may still be relevant and must be adhered to.
- Recognize the challenges posed by the current economic climate, characterized by scarce job opportunities and high living expenses. Exercise pragmatism and moderation in your expectations.
- Take precautions to ensure the safety of your child by verifying the safety of their intended residence, particularly in less expensive areas that may have higher crime rates.
