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Spanking is a topic that sparks much debate. Most child psychologists advise against using spanking as a method of disciplining children. However, in certain cultures, spanking is considered an effective means of discipline. Ultimately, the decision regarding the use of spanking should be made by the child's parents, in accordance with the norms and laws of their local area.
Steps
Non-Violent Discipline
Start with gentle approaches. Rather than resorting to immediate physical punishment when your child misbehaves, opt for communication and explore non-violent methods of discipline. Only consider spanking as a last resort, after exhausting all other disciplinary options.
- Research suggests that conditional spanking (a mild spanking administered after a 2-to-6-year-old child has disregarded a less severe form of discipline) carries less risk than using spanking as the primary disciplinary approach.
Engage the child in a calm conversation to understand their actions. Sometimes, children may not realize their mistakes or there might be a misunderstanding. Communicating can help clarify the situation, either by helping the child comprehend the consequences of their actions or by aiding the parent in realizing there was no misbehavior at all.
- If you find yourself too upset to remain calm, express your emotions by saying, 'I'm upset, I need a moment to compose myself.' Take a brief break to regain composure before returning to the discussion.
Discuss the repercussions of the child's behavior. Older children are capable of introspection and understanding why certain actions are wrong. Encourage them to consider how their actions affect others and use non-confrontational communication techniques, such as using 'I' statements, to facilitate discussion. For example:
- 'How do you think your sister feels when you break her toy?'
- 'When I couldn't find you in the store, I felt scared. I need you to stay close so I know you're safe.'
- 'How do you think Dad felt when he had to clean mud out of the bathtub?'
Evaluate if punishment is necessary. Not every teachable moment requires punishment.
- If a child demonstrates understanding and commits to change after a conversation, punishment may not be warranted as they've learned from the experience.
- Sometimes, it's the parent who needs to learn. Reflect on whether your expectations were realistic or if the situation was too stressful for your child to handle calmly. Children may lack the emotional maturity to cope with stress effectively. Consider letting the issue go this time and being more mindful of your child's limits in the future.
Explore alternatives to physical discipline. Clearly and patiently communicate expectations to the child. Spanking should never be the first resort, and there are numerous other methods for addressing misbehavior.
- Clearly state boundaries. Provide a concise, firm response in a stern tone. For instance, 'We don't throw snowballs at people's faces.'
- Implement logical consequences. Have the child clean up their mess, repair any damage they caused, or contribute to fixing a broken item they cannot repair themselves. This teaches responsibility for their actions. (For younger children, assistance may be necessary.)
- Offer choices. Present the child with two or three acceptable options. For example, if they resist getting dressed, say, 'You can put on your shirt or your pants first.'
- Encourage reconciliation. If the child has wronged someone, prompt them to make amends. For instance, if a child says something hurtful to their sibling, suggest ways they can make it up, such as making a card.
- Implement time-outs. The duration should be approximately one minute per year of age (e.g., a two-year-old would have a two-minute time-out).
- Withdraw privileges. For example, if a child repeatedly pushes others while playing, temporarily take away the toy and explain why.
- Allow natural consequences. If a child fails to place their sports uniform in the laundry hamper, resulting in it not being ready for the game, they experience the natural consequence of not being able to participate.
Take a break if you feel angry toward your child. Parenting is challenging, and it's normal to experience frustration or anger at times. If you feel overwhelmed, step away to regain composure before addressing the situation with your child.
- Communicate to your child, 'I'm feeling very upset right now. I need to take a moment to process my emotions.'
Assist a struggling child in fulfilling your requests.
Sometimes, a child may find it challenging to adhere to rules not out of defiance but due to difficulties they face. Inquire, 'Why do you find it challenging to ____?' and attentively listen to their explanation. Collaborate with them to find solutions and support them in meeting their responsibilities.
- If your child struggles with tidying their room, consider assisting them.
Engage in a conversation with a child regarding improved behavior for the future. Children may misbehave due to lack of knowledge rather than willful disobedience. Pose questions like 'How could you handle that situation better next time?' or suggest alternative approaches. Dialogue can aid the child in comprehending appropriate behavior for similar circumstances in the future.
- If the child commits to better behavior, punitive measures may be unnecessary. Alternatively, implement logical consequences such as tidying up or apologizing for unfair treatment. The focus should be on learning, where punishment often isn't essential.
Commend the child for exhibiting positive behavior. Express appreciation for their good conduct and reinforce their sense of achievement. This positive reinforcement encourages repetition of desirable behavior. Examples of effective praise include:
- 'I noticed your patience while waiting for your turn on the swings. You handled it very well.'
- 'I observed your kindness in playing with your brother. It's great to see you making better choices.'
- 'Thank you for getting ready quickly. We'll have more time at the park because of your promptness.'
Exemplify positive behavior. Your actions serve as a model for your child's behavior. Display the conduct you wish to instill in your child, even when you're unsure if they're paying attention. Over time, they'll adopt your behaviors.
- Avoid contradictions. For instance, if you admonish hitting while resorting to spanking, your child may become skeptical or confused.
Preparing for Discipline
Resort to spanking only after exhausting all other disciplinary measures. Spanking should be considered as a final option, following attempts at non-physical punishments like timeouts, grounding, or removal of privileges. Prior to administering a spanking, ensure beyond doubt that it is warranted.
- Spanking is illegal in numerous countries and may be prohibited or restricted at local levels.
- Acknowledge that many view spanking as abusive, particularly if excessive force is used. Avoid hitting forcefully, using implements, or causing bruises. Concerned individuals may report instances of child abuse to authorities.
- Educate yourself about alternatives to spanking.
- Avoid spanking children with learning or developmental disabilities, such as autism or ADHD, as it can have lasting detrimental effects.
Acknowledge current research findings on the effects of spanking. Contemporary long-term studies overwhelmingly indicate that spanking exacerbates behavioral issues rather than resolving them. Following a spanking, children may experience feelings of rejection, mistrust, resentment, and lack of love. Instead of learning appropriate behavior, they may become adept at avoiding detection or resorting to deception. Children subjected to spanking or other forms of corporal punishment are more likely to:
- Experience reduced brain gray matter.
- Develop cognitive impairments.
- Manifest mental health disorders such as anxiety and depression.
- Engage in substance abuse.
- Harbor distrust or resentment towards others.
- Perpetrate domestic violence or child abuse.
- Participate in criminal activities in adulthood.
- Experience premature death.
Suggestion: If you wish to steer your child towards a more positive future, reconsider employing spanking. The strategies outlined in the 'Disciplining Nonviolently' section offer effective alternatives to modifying your child's behavior, such as natural consequences.
Select a private setting for administering spankings. Conducting spankings in public, particularly in the presence of peers or siblings, can lead to profound embarrassment for the child. This may exacerbate feelings of resentment, hindering the child's ability to learn from the experience. Privacy, especially when spanking on bare skin, is crucial.
- Spanking is inherently severe; public humiliation should be avoided to prevent exacerbating the situation.
Inform your child of the impending consequence of their actions: a spanking. Your child may react with distress, anger, resentment, anxiety, or panic. It is important to empathize with these emotions while remaining firm regarding the consequence.
- Crying is a natural response before, during, and after a spanking, and should not be punished.
- Consider issuing a final warning, such as 'If you do not release her hair by the time I count to zero, you will receive a spanking.' This may prompt the child to correct their behavior.
Executing the Spanking
Utilize an open hand for spanking; avoid using any objects. Implementing anything other than an open hand poses risks and should be refrained from. Striking a child with items like belts or cords can result in severe bruising, painful welts, and even lacerations (in extreme cases).
- If you doubt your ability to maintain control, remove yourself from the situation and refrain from administering the spanking.
Remove all rings from your fingers. Rings can cause harm to both you and your child. Avoid anything that could impede the spanking or potentially injure your child. Additionally, empty your pockets of any items that may cause discomfort during the spanking, and ensure your child does the same.
Position your child across your lap. Place the child over your knee with their stomach facing downwards. Ensure proper support for their body without any strain. If you opt for a partially clothed or bare-bottom spanking, lower the child's pants and/or underwear. Instruct the child to remain in position until they indicate readiness to proceed.
- Caution: Consider the potential negative consequences of a bare-bottom spanking, such as heightened pain or emotional distress, particularly in younger children. There's also a risk of sexual humiliation, especially with older children.
Advice: If unsure, avoid bare-bottom spanking and opt for spanking over clothing (recommended). If you choose to proceed, ensure only the child's bottom is exposed to minimize embarrassment during the spanking.
Keep your hand and limbs relaxed, placing one hand firmly on their back and the other on their bottom. Ensure your child remains still without squirming, with their legs straightened.
- Avoid conversation during the spanking; save any discussions for after it's concluded—just get it done.
Commence the spanking. Apply gentle strikes to the child's bottom, refraining from excessive force. Effective discipline doesn't require strong hits, as overly forceful spanking can lead to injury or trauma. Strive for mild discomfort during the spanking, particularly when spanking on bare skin or with younger children.
- Avoid spanking while angry, as heightened emotions may result in excessive force, increasing the risk of harm. Take a deep breath before starting the spanking to maintain composure.
- To prevent injury, avoid striking near sensitive areas such as the genitals, tailbone, or kidneys.
- Limit the duration of the spanking to no more than 10 seconds.
- Ensure the spanking remains mildly uncomfortable without causing pain. Pay attention to the child's reactions to gauge the intensity of the spanking, especially when spanking on bare skin. Aim for temporary redness at most, and promptly pull up the child's pants and underwear following the spanking (if applicable).
Reassure your child afterward. Express unwavering love for them, even when they make mistakes. Affirm that you believe in their goodness despite their errors. Following a spanking, immediate forgiveness is crucial—avoid further punishment.
- After a spanking, children may internalize negative beliefs about themselves or your love for them, potentially exacerbating their behavior.
- Respect the child's emotional boundaries; don't force affection upon them post-spanking. Research suggests that post-spanking affection may increase the child's anxiety, leading to confusion and perceived unpredictability. Allow the child to retreat to their room if they wish.
Recommendations
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Avoid excessive spanking. Frequent spanking can desensitize children and worsen their behavior, potentially constituting abuse by contemporary standards.
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The optimal age to introduce spanking in discipline is 3-4 years, with younger children (especially infants) not suitable candidates. Once a child can comprehend reasoning, prioritize dialogue over physical discipline. Spanking should be phased out by ages 11-12.
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Avoid gender-based variations in punishment. Consistency is key; treat misbehaving children equally regardless of gender. Differential treatment based on gender may intensify existing resentment, fostering inequality. Strive for fair and equitable discipline practices.
The guidance presented here is drawn from the real-life experiences of Mytour readers, just like you. If you have a valuable tip to share with Mytour, please submit it below.
- Reserve spanking as a final option. Overuse may lead your child to believe that causing harm is acceptable when correcting misbehavior.
Cautionary Notes
- Be mindful that public spanking may attract opposition, even in legal contexts, especially in areas with anti-spanking sentiments.
- Avoid spanking when angry.
- Refrain from spanking children without parental consent.
- Avoid spanking in moving vehicles, particularly public transport.
- Restrict spanking to the buttocks; avoid targeting sensitive areas like the genitals, face, or torso.
- Exercise caution, as spanking, especially on teenagers or bare bottoms, may be deemed abusive or inappropriate by many.
- Avoid spanking under the influence of alcohol.
- Refrain from additional punishments like grounding or timeout; spanking should suffice.
- If your child is disciplined with corporal punishment at school, avoid administering further punishment at home to prevent double penalty.
- Adhere to laws governing corporal punishment to avoid legal repercussions.
