How to Handle Family Members Who Disapprove of Your Partner

It's incredibly challenging when loved ones don't see eye to eye. Caught between your spouse and your family, you may feel torn and guilty for the strained relationship. Help your partner understand your family dynamics and devise strategies to navigate them, fostering peace and addressing concerns respectfully. While a perfect bond may be unattainable, you can mitigate conflict during family gatherings, maintaining civility.

• Engage in a conversation with your family member either in person or over the phone.
• Inform them of your spouse's feelings and listen to their perspective. Keep in mind that they may be unaware that their behavior has hurt your spouse.
• Seek suggestions from your family member on how to improve the situation. For instance, ask, 'What can we do to help Carlos feel more included?'

Looking for a smooth, effective conversation? Marriage and Family Therapist Elvina Lui suggests some effective practices: 'Start by validating their viewpoint or acknowledging something about their perspective. Then, express gratitude for their love and care, illustrating with an example of how their care has touched you. For instance, if addressing a parent, share a childhood memory of them caring for you when you were sick. Instead of relying solely on facts and arguments, emphasize the strength of your relationship when you say 'please trust me.''

• Show solidarity and express how this situation is distressing for both of you.
• For instance, 'Lena believes that you've been distant since you commented on her maternity leave. She confronted you about it, and we both feel hurt by your behavior. Did you know she only had two months of paid leave? Your remark was hurtful and untrue, and it's affecting both of us.'

Wondering why your typically wise family is off the mark? Marriage and Family Therapist Elvina Lui explains: 'When it comes to matters of the heart, even those closest to you may not fully grasp your romantic needs. Their misunderstanding likely stems from not knowing you in that context.'

• Request specific instances from your family where they felt hurt or angered by your spouse’s actions.
• Avoid defensiveness and simply listen, assuring them that you will address the concerns with your spouse.
• Discuss the matter privately with your spouse and jointly decide on a plan of action.

• If you and your spouse are upset about how your spouse was treated at a recent family gathering, avoid saying, “You were rude to Ryan at dinner.” Instead, say, “Ryan felt hurt and excluded during the dinner conversation. He perceived that he was being talked over whenever he tried to contribute.”
• Express your feelings directly, such as saying, “It upsets me when I see you not including Monica in the conversation,” rather than accusing, “You don't include Monica.”
• Avoid using absolute terms like “always” or “never,” as they are rarely accurate and tend to escalate conflicts. For instance, instead of saying, “You always tell Lindsey to lose weight,” say, “Lindsey and I recall several occasions when you commented on her weight. Most recently, it happened last week at the ice cream shop.”
• Provide specific details about the upsetting incidents, mentioning specific events like “Greg’s birthday party and the restaurant last week,” rather than generalizing with phrases like “it happens all the time.”

Address potential biases gently. Marriage and Family Therapist, Elvina Lui, suggests: 'Your family members might have unfairly judged your partner due to personal biases, rather than ill intentions. Understanding this can help rectify their misconceptions.'

• For instance, forgetting to set an extra place for your spouse once shouldn’t prompt a conflict. However, repeated omissions may merit discussion.

• Inform your spouse or family about shared interests, like, “John, both you and my brother are passionate about skiing.”
• Highlight each other’s hobbies; perhaps your grandmother enjoys recounting her travel adventures, while your spouse coaches soccer.
• Specify topics to steer clear of to prevent potential disagreements.

• Setting a predetermined leave time upon arrival, e.g., “We must depart by noon to pick up a friend from the airport.”
• Having your spouse notify you when they’re ready to depart via text message.
• Agreeing on a discreet signal or phrase, such as a gesture or specific words, indicating a desire to leave.
• Discussing acceptable ways for your spouse to take breaks if leaving isn’t feasible, like reading a magazine for some respite.

• For instance, you might say, “This situation seems to be causing stress for everyone. Kate and I will excuse ourselves now. I apologize for any inconvenience, but I’m feeling upset and we need to step away.”
• If leaving immediately isn’t feasible (e.g., during a vacation), call for a temporary break for a few hours or the rest of the day. During this time, create physical distance between your spouse, yourself, and your family.

• Agree with your spouse on the amount of family time that works for both of you to have a plan in place for future invitations.
• You may choose to disclose the reasons for your spouse’s absence from family events, or provide an excuse (e.g., work commitments) to maintain peace.
• A period of separation might help resolve tensions, as absence often fosters appreciation.
• Significant life events like childbirth, bereavement, or relocation might also prompt a change in attitude from either your family or your spouse.

• Consider that your spouse likely aims to maintain harmony, just like you. Recognize that family dynamics can be delicate, and most individuals prefer to avoid conflict.
• Even if you perceive your spouse's concerns as trivial, envision how you'd desire their support if roles were reversed and you encountered issues with your spouse's family. Demonstrate empathy towards your partner.

• Address potential areas of contention before your spouse meets your family. For instance, “Uncle Bill often discusses gun rights. Since you’re not fond of guns, feel free to change the subject or excuse yourself if it comes up.”

• For instance, if your spouse comes from a loud family where shouting is common at the dinner table, but your family is much quieter, explain that yelling would be considered rude in your family.