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Dealing with toxic parents can be challenging as they often exhibit selfish, manipulative, and neglectful behaviors. Growing up in such an environment can be tough, but there are ways to cope and heal. Whether you're still living with them or not, you can improve your relationship by setting boundaries and prioritizing your own well-being.
Practical Steps
Creating Emotional Distance from Your Parents
Avoid feeling responsible for their emotions or needs. Toxic parents may try to manipulate you with guilt, but remember that you're not obligated to fulfill their every demand. Focus on your own responsibilities and don't sacrifice your happiness to please them.
ADVICE FROM AN EXPERT
Adam Dorsay, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Licensed Psychologist & TEDx Speaker
Children of toxic parents often prioritize their parents' needs over their own. According to Adam Dorsay, a licensed psychologist, children raised by toxic or narcissistic parents become adept at understanding 'What does Mommy or Daddy want? How can I make them happy?' This constant monitoring of their parents can lead to a struggle in understanding their own identity and desires.”
Accept that you cannot change them. While you may hope for your parents to treat you better, it's important to realize that you cannot force someone to change. Focus on improving yourself and finding ways to cope with the relationship rather than attempting to change them.
- For instance, if you wish your parents would stop criticizing you for not having perfect grades, recognize that they may not change. Instead, seek validation and positive feedback from other sources, such as your teacher, for your efforts in class.
Don't take their hurtful words personally. When your parents say hurtful things, remember that it reflects on them, not you. Remind yourself of your strengths and counter their negativity with positivity.
- For instance, if your dad calls you lazy, challenge the accuracy of his words and affirm your hard work and accomplishments. Tell yourself, “I know I'm not lazy because I work hard at school.”
Try humor to deflect their hurtful words. Instead of dwelling on their hurtful comments, try imagining them said in a funny voice. This can help you see them as silly rather than hurtful, making them easier to ignore.
Be cautious about sharing personal information with them. Since toxic parents may use what you tell them against you, confide in someone trustworthy instead, like a friend or relative who won't disclose your conversations to your parents.
- For instance, avoid sharing details about new relationships or conflicts with friends.
Have a plan to remove yourself from mistreatment. If you anticipate encountering difficult situations with your parents, prepare an exit strategy in advance. This could involve making excuses, arranging alternative plans, or finding a place to retreat.
- For example, excuse yourself to the restroom, pretend to receive an urgent call, or claim prior commitments elsewhere.
- You could say, “Oops! I forgot about a group project today. I need to head over to Sarah’s to avoid a bad grade.”
- If possible, enlist the help of a trusted individual to assist you. Establish a code word for when you need intervention, and have them provide an excuse for your departure.
Develop exit phrases to gracefully end conversations. Acknowledge your parent's emotions, then politely excuse yourself. Use phrases like, “I can see you're upset, so I'll give you some space,” “You seem frustrated, so I'll retreat to my room,” or “It appears you're angry, and I understand. Let me go brainstorm a solution.”
Establishing Limits
Determine your non-negotiables. Identify behaviors that deeply bother you and outline them as your boundaries. Clearly define what you will not tolerate from your parents and establish consequences for crossing those lines.
- If you're still at home, your boundaries might include phrases like, “No yelling,” “No insults,” and “No interruptions during study time.” Consequences could involve ignoring yelling, using earbuds, and locking your door while studying.
- If you've moved out, set boundaries such as, “No drunk calls,” “No verbal abuse,” and “No staying if yelling starts.” Consequences might entail hanging up, taking a relationship break, or asking them to leave your place.
Tip: Seek help if facing physical abuse, intimidation, or consistent boundary violations. Reach out to a trusted figure like a school counselor, family member, or supportive teacher.
Communicate your boundaries to your parents. Clearly express your expectations regarding their behavior and what you won't tolerate. Also, outline the consequences of boundary violations.
- For instance, you could say, “Yelling hurts me and makes me feel unsafe. I won't accept it anymore. If you yell, I'll retreat to my room and use earbuds.”
Uphold your boundaries and enforce consequences. Anticipate occasional boundary breaches from your parents due to habitual behavior. Follow through with the consequences you outlined to demonstrate your commitment.
- If your parent ignores your rule about drunk calls, promptly hang up when they call intoxicated.
- Similarly, if they criticize you despite your warning, leave the room immediately.
Seek support from a trusted relative or authority figure if your parent displays anger or violence. It might seem daunting to reach out for help, but it's essential to understand that parental abuse, whether verbal or physical, is not acceptable. If your parent becomes aggressive or refuses to respect your boundaries, prioritize your safety by finding a secure location and contacting someone reliable. If you feel isolated, confide in a trusted teacher, school counselor, or mentor who can offer assistance.
- For instance, you could retreat to the bathroom and contact your aunt, explaining, 'My mom is yelling and banging on the door. Can you please come over?'
- If the first person you contact doesn't grasp the severity of the situation, don't hesitate to seek help from another source.
Take a hiatus from them if necessary. There are times when distancing yourself from toxic parents is crucial for your well-being. Don't hesitate to establish temporary boundaries by blocking their communication and unfollowing them on social media platforms. Grant yourself the space needed to recuperate and find solace.
- If you're still residing with them, identify secluded areas where you can find solitude, such as the bathroom or a cozy corner in your closet. Whenever possible, arrange outings with other family members or friends.
Processing Your Emotions
Permit yourself to mourn the loss of the idealized parent-child relationship. It's natural to feel sorrowful and regretful about the absence of a conventional parent-child bond. Allow yourself to experience the spectrum of emotions, including sadness and anger. Find healthy outlets to express these feelings, such as crying, journaling, or confiding in a trusted friend or therapist. Embracing this process facilitates emotional healing.
- Don't impose a time limit on your grieving process. Allow yourself the necessary time to heal.
Choose to forgive your parents at your own pace. Forgiveness primarily benefits you rather than the individual who caused you pain. When you feel prepared, acknowledge the wrongdoing but recognize your parents' fallibility as human beings. Embrace the reality that the past cannot be altered, and extend forgiveness for their actions.
- You might express, “I forgive you for the past. I hope our relationship improves in the future.”
- If you're uncomfortable directly communicating forgiveness, consider writing a letter and subsequently discarding it.
Remember: Forgiving someone who has hurt you might feel impossible, and it’s okay if you’re not ready for it. Understand that forgiveness doesn't justify their actions or erase your pain. It's a means of releasing negative emotions to move forward.
Collaborate with a therapist to navigate your emotions and adopt coping mechanisms. Your therapist will assist in recognizing and processing your feelings while imparting mental tools to enhance your life and interpersonal relationships. Moreover, they'll aid in developing strategies for managing interactions with your parents.
- Seek out a therapist specializing in addressing complex family dynamics.
- If you reside with your parents, propose seeing a therapist to them. In case of refusal or reluctance, approach your school counselor.
Self-Care Practices
Engage in self-care to nurture yourself. Authentic self-care involves attending to your needs and treating yourself with kindness. Establish routines to prioritize exercise, nutrition, and tidiness. Additionally, incorporate daily indulgences like enjoying a coffee, indulging in a bath, or watching your favorite show.
- If personal hygiene is challenging, integrate it into your routine. Cultivate habits such as brushing teeth twice daily and bathing regularly. Also, tackle laundry weekly. Overcoming inertia due to despair or lack of parental guidance is tough, but improvement is attainable.
Effectively manage stress to prevent overwhelm. Coping with toxic parents can induce considerable stress. Compile a repertoire of stress-relief techniques to enhance enjoyment of life and mitigate emotional strain. Here are some suggestions:
- Meditate for 10 minutes.
- Engage in journaling.
- Participate in exercise.
- Bond with your pet.
- Explore adult coloring books.
- Benefit from aromatherapy.
- Express creativity through art.
Live according to your own desires without fretting over your parents’ expectations. While their hopes may burden you, remember that you're not obligated to conform to their ideals. Instead, define your life values and aspirations by setting personal goals. Direct your energy towards fulfilling these self-defined objectives.
- As you mature, it's natural to evolve; periodically assess whether your current path aligns with your happiness.
- For instance, opt for a college major that resonates with your interests rather than succumbing to parental pressure.
- Similarly, if parenthood doesn’t align with your aspirations, feel empowered to diverge from your parents' expectations of grandchildren.
Seek solace by connecting with others who have grappled with toxic parents. Engage with local support groups or online communities. Share experiences with individuals who have undergone similar challenges, and consider their advice at your discretion. This camaraderie can provide reassurance amidst your circumstances.
- Trust your instincts; while external perspectives are valuable, prioritize decisions that resonate with your inner compass.
Insight: Communicating with individuals unfamiliar with toxic parenting experiences may prove challenging as they lack firsthand understanding. Remarks like, “She’s still your mother,” may induce guilt, yet remember, establishing boundaries is your prerogative.
Guidelines
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You're not to blame for your parents' toxicity, and you hold no responsibility for changing them. Prioritize your mental well-being to foster personal growth.
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Don’t hesitate to assertively decline requests from your parents.
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If you feel confined while living at home, recognize that change is possible. Implement detachment, establish boundaries, and prioritize self-care to navigate your circumstances. Improvement is attainable.
Precautions
- As a general rule, severing ties with your parents may not always be the ideal solution. However, if it aligns with your well-being, it could be the best decision for you. Opt for choices that prioritize your happiness.
