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Preparing you for the potential actions of your narcissistic spouse upon being served with divorce papers
Being in a marriage with a narcissist presents challenges, hence when you’ve reached the decision to pursue a divorce, you might experience a sense of relief. Being equipped to divorce a narcissist can empower you to counter their manipulation tactics and facilitate the proceedings as smoothly as possible. That’s why we’ve gathered all the advice you’ll need to safeguard yourself throughout the divorce process with your spouse.
Essential Information
- Maintain a detailed record of all communication between you and your spouse, which may prove valuable in the future.
- Select a lawyer who possesses expertise in handling cases involving narcissistic partners.
- Establish firm boundaries with your spouse, particularly concerning the frequency of communication.
- Prioritize self-care and rely on your support network during challenging times.
Key Steps
Prioritize organization before serving divorce papers.
Develop a strategy to prevent your spouse from undermining you. Determine your living arrangements, the arrangements for your children, and steps to ensure your safety. In situations where narcissistic partners may resort to violence, it's crucial to have a safety plan prepared in advance.
- When a narcissist senses a loss of control over you, they often react with anger and potential aggression. Ensure you have essentials prepared for a swift departure following the divorce discussion.
- If there's a risk of violence, consider having a support person present when serving divorce papers (or delegate this task).
- Inform your trusted circle about your divorce plans in advance to receive their support.
Maintain records of all communication.
Utilize texts, emails, and documents as evidence of your spouse’s conduct. In many jurisdictions, citing a reason for divorce is necessary if contested. Providing evidence of your spouse’s behavior significantly strengthens your case. Gather past communication screenshots and testimonies from acquaintances validating your spouse's abusive behavior.
- If past evidence is unavailable, start gathering it now. Preserve any messages your spouse sends for potential future use.
Select a competent attorney familiar with the circumstances.
An experienced attorney will guide you through your spouse’s strategies.
When searching for a divorce attorney, seek one specializing in contentious divorces with difficult spouses. Inform potential attorneys about your spouse and their potential actions during divorce proceedings. This allows your attorney to be prepared (and assist in preparing you) for what lies ahead.
- Similar to finding a reliable therapist, you may need to consult with multiple divorce attorneys before finding the right fit. Inquire about their experience handling challenging divorces, particularly those involving narcissistic tendencies in the other spouse.
Establish boundaries regarding communication with your spouse.
Restrict the duration of conversations with your spouse to safeguard your well-being. As divorce proceedings progress, expect your spouse's behavior to turn hostile and malicious. Ideally, minimize contact with your spouse by blocking their phone number, email, and social media accounts. If complete avoidance isn't feasible (e.g., due to shared parental responsibilities), set time limits for communication per day.
- For example, state, “I will only discuss logistical matters with you. Any attempts to discuss our relationship will end the conversation.” If your spouse tries to manipulate you or suggests meeting in person, terminate the call.
- Prioritize discussing your boundaries with your attorney beforehand. Inform your attorney that if your spouse resorts to name-calling or yelling, the meeting must be terminated immediately. Having your attorney support your boundaries will aid in their enforcement.
Maintain composure and remain composed.
Retain your calm demeanor to prevent your spouse from provoking you. A narcissistic partner will employ various tactics, including insults and manipulation, to incite a reaction from you. Despite the challenge, utilize deep breathing exercises and meditation to manage your emotions in their presence. Demonstrating indifference to their behavior discourages future repetition.
- It's acceptable to experience anger, sadness, or frustration privately. Consider journaling as a means to express your emotions in a non-judgmental environment.
Seek resolutions outside of court whenever feasible.
Narcissists often exploit the courtroom to perpetuate their manipulation. For individuals with narcissistic traits, legal proceedings offer an arena for attention and theatrics. To mitigate your spouse's tactics, instruct your attorney to pursue out-of-court settlements whenever possible.
- If your spouse insists on litigation, your options may be limited. Nonetheless, request your attorney to engage with your spouse's legal representation to explore alternatives before resorting to judicial resolution.
- In court, anticipate your spouse portraying themselves as the victim. Be prepared to refute allegations that are either false or exaggerated.
Select your battles wisely.
Prioritize your conflicts to prevent exhaustion. Dealing with a narcissistic partner entails persistent resistance. They may contest even trivial matters. Choose to disengage from disputes that aren't crucial and allocate your resources to matters of genuine importance.
- For example, if your spouse insists on retaining a particular asset, but your primary concern is child custody, relinquish the asset to focus on your children's well-being.
Identify opportunities for your spouse to feel victorious.
Pacify your spouse by allowing them to believe they're gaining something. It's futile to engage in every confrontation with a narcissist. Instead, identify minor concessions to concede, creating the illusion of conflict and concession. This may lead your spouse to believe they're outsmarting you, while you remain indifferent.
- For example, if your spouse desires 50% custody of the children, you might initially appear to contest for full custody. Eventually, conceding to half custody may ease tensions in other areas.
Prioritize your children's well-being.
Protect your children from undue influence by your spouse. Narcissistic parents often disregard their children's emotions. Regularly communicate with your children to ensure they express themselves and have their needs addressed.
- Discuss matters with your children using language appropriate to their age. For instance, with young children, you might say, “Mommy and Daddy love you very much, but we won't be together anymore. How do you feel about that?”
- For older children, provide direct information. “Your Mom wants at least 50% custody of you and your brother. What are your thoughts on that?”
Guard against love-bombing.
Refrain from interacting with your partner to prevent manipulation. Narcissists struggle to let go of relationships, even toxic ones. Your spouse may attempt to reconcile once divorce becomes imminent, using flattery and kindness. Remain vigilant during divorce proceedings and don't take your spouse's words to heart.
- If you find yourself reconsidering divorce, remind yourself of the reasons behind your decision. It's unlikely your spouse will fundamentally change, despite promises to the contrary.
Seek solace in trusted friends.
Rely on your support network to navigate this challenging period. Your close friends and family members can offer solace and assistance as you undergo divorce proceedings. Share your experiences and needs with them, seeking their support.
- Avoid speaking negatively or spreading rumors about your spouse. While it's acceptable to vent occasionally, publicly disparaging your partner could exacerbate tensions.
Consult with a mental health professional.
Divorce is emotionally taxing, and therapy can provide valuable support. In addition to legal matters, you may be grappling with intense emotional turmoil. Consider reaching out to a therapist to address your feelings and acquire coping strategies for this challenging period.
- If in-person therapy isn't feasible, explore online counseling services such as Better Help.
Prioritize self-nurturing.
Engage in soothing activities that bring you joy. Consider practicing yoga, pursuing a hobby you enjoy, or indulging in a relaxing bubble bath. Allocate at least 15 minutes each day to focus on self-care.
- Narcissists often attempt to undermine others and diminish their self-worth. Your spouse may criticize your abilities, ridicule your ideas, or belittle you. Prioritizing self-care will elevate your confidence and restore your sense of self-worth.
Guidance
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In case of abuse or danger, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.
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Educate yourself about narcissistic traits to understand your spouse's potential reactions.
