Top 10 Things Not to Do for Optimal Child Development

There's a saying, “Parents raise children like the sky and the sea/ Children raise parents, counting months and days.” However, this may not be true in many cases for Vietnamese parents. Have you ever seen those who pedal rickshaws, collect garbage, sacrifice for their children's education become what they are today because of their parents' sweat, tears, and blood? Yet, they've never confided their hardships to their children. Some have recounted stories like this: 'My mother-in-law is a woman I deeply admire. She has never complained in front of her children. When my wife and her siblings were young, she did all sorts of hard jobs despite not having a husband by her side to support the two children in their education and livelihood. Even now, she sacrifices everything for her children's comfort. When she's sick, she buys her own medicine without sighing in front of her children. When she's sad, she cries alone, wiping away her tears and smiling when her children come home. That's a resilience and love not every mother can demonstrate.'

So parents, don't ever curse your child with phrases like: “Do you know how hard I've worked to feed and educate you? Where do you think the money for your food, tuition, and books comes from?” Parents have the duty to raise their children to adulthood, a duty clearly defined by law and moral principles. If you think raising children is too burdensome and costly, it's best not to have children at all. No child ever wants to be born to hear their parents recount how hard they've worked to raise them.

It's crucial not to offend anyone, especially children. Children cannot evaluate themselves, so the things you say to them, whether offensive or praiseworthy, will deeply imprint on their subconscious. Don't call a child silly when they play, don't call them lazy when they're changing teeth, don't call them dumb over a few grades, don't call them disruptive when they're energetically playing, don't call them unlikable because they get upset with others,...

Over time, children will start to believe they are indeed 'silly' or 'lazy' because you said so. Others may think those are just playful or teasing remarks, and the child may still laugh with you when you say such things, but they won't be genuinely happy. When a child was often sick as a toddler and never found it alarming until someone said to them, 'You're so skinny because you're sick! You need to gain weight to look good, nobody wants to play with someone so skinny!', and during that time, the child became obsessed with weight, always wanting to be 'fatter' to be 'beautiful,' otherwise, no one would 'dare' to play with them. The child may think that person just wants them to eat more to 'fatten up' to show off to others, but telling a child they're ugly and no one wants to play with them is indeed... too much.

Not only offensive remarks, but the prejudices you attach to children also make them feel like it's the truth. If you tell a child they're shy when they're introverted, over time, the child will think they're truly shy. If you tell a child 'that's too many questions!' when they ask '1000 whys,' over time, the child will feel scared, become passive, and dare not ask anything anymore,...

So, be cautious with every word you say to a child. If you feel overwhelmed, find the best way to deal with it. If the child asks too many questions, tell them you don't know how to answer or tell them straight that you need some rest, the child will understand and sympathize with you...

Children's secrets aren't usually earth-shattering like 'someone is about to destroy the Earth.' Sometimes, they're just little stories that happen in the classroom or with their little friends. When a child can tell you a story, it's when they've started to perceive and evaluate the environment around them. They want to share with you things you haven't seen or can't see, which also means they only want you to know. Why is that? Children are simple; they know what they need and really want to express it. So, for the things children want, they'll tell everyone, and vice versa, for things they want only you to know.

Secrets aren't limited to stories; sometimes, they're habits or mistakes of the child. You may tell others about the child's bedwetting even in front of the child, or that the child got a bad grade and got scolded by the teacher. This will decrease the child's trust in you. Children haven't faced much of life, so these stories are significant issues in their lives. They're as important as your secrets. How would you feel if you found out your best friend was telling your secrets to others? You'd be furious, right? Children can't get angry with you; they'll just feel helpless and disappointed to the point of tears. You might think children don't know much, yes, they don't know much about the world view, about structures, chemical reactions, or significant facts about humanity, but they know the most primitive human feelings, have begun to form natural human reflexes, and are enough to understand what you're doing to them.

If one day a child says to you, 'Tell mom this, mom must promise not to tell anyone else!' then I advise you, be sincere and determined to keep the child's secret, while also reflecting on yourself to see what secrets of the child you've revealed. This shows that the child has discovered but still wants to trust you again, don't disappoint them.

Inflicting harm on children in any form can lead to psychological trauma. Children misbehave, and you're furious, and the broom is the solution. The child is stubborn, disobedient, and you're fed up with it, so shouting directly in its face is the way to go. The child fears blows that can break branches and scoldings that could tear apart eardrums.

Whether the child will behave better after such incidents is unknown, but one thing is for sure: the child's terrifying fear. This is one of the most obvious actions that don't need lengthy discussions about its 'danger' to a child's psyche.

Let's admit it, deceiving children is a daily occurrence, isn't it? From the smallest things like enticing them to eat, sleep, study, ... You often use non-existent scary characters to threaten them, telling them you'll come pick them up immediately if they misbehave at school,...

Over time, those lies, children won't believe them anymore, worse, children may learn to lie from you. Respectable parents, if you have taught your children like that since they were young, then later on, never scold your children saying, 'I never expected you to lie like that!' That's the product of your education, and you are the one directly benefiting from it.

Out of fear of affecting their child's studies, many parents have restricted playtime and even banned it altogether. Children love to play, and neglecting their studies can indeed happen. But that's not a reason to prohibit children from playing with their friends, engaging in activities they should be involved in.

Mytour just wants you to remember that our childhood is the only time we can play freely. As adults, we have so many worries; there won't be those moments of playfulness that make us 'forget the way home' like before. Don't snatch them away from your child; let them have the most memorable time of their life!

Undoubtedly, you're all familiar with the nameless but infamous figure, 'the neighbor's kid.' Parents have often found themselves in the throes of comparison, and now they perpetuate the cycle with their own children. But why, dear parents? Simply because you're vexed that your child isn't as accomplished as someone else's?

Even adults, with their sturdy psyches, sometimes find themselves comparing and feeling immensely inadequate. There have been countless cases of self-inflicted harm due to such comparisons. Now, imagine how a vulnerable child might feel. While in a fit of frustration, you may wish to vent your grievances to the heavens, but a casual remark can linger in one's mind all day. How much more damaging then are insults, taunts, and comparisons?

Not all marriages are happy, and not all parents are responsibly loving. However, dear parents, if you've made the mistake of marrying the wrong person or worse, destroying your own marriage, never raise your children in the bitterness of parental resentment.

Adults quarrel; children should not be dragged into it. Never ask a child to choose between parents. Don't, for the selfish gain of adults, force children to decide on matters they cannot comprehend, risking psychological turmoil!

Vietnamese parents, when angry, often hurl extremely venomous words at their children like “you're worthless!”, “if I knew you'd turn out like this, I would have aborted you!”, “I regret having a child like you!”, “I would have been better off giving birth to a chicken or duck egg to sell!” I truly don't understand why parents say such hurtful things? Is it to satisfy their anger while ignoring how it makes the child feel? Or to assert their parental authority by any means necessary?

Never think that using such harsh words will make your child obedient. On the contrary, such words will only make the child more stubborn and difficult to manage because if parents don't love them, who else will they trust?