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Examples of trauma bonds and methods to break them If you've ever found it challenging to end a relationship that you knew was harmful, you might have experienced trauma bonding. This emotional connection develops between a victim and their abuser within an abusive relationship, making it highly challenging for the victim to break away. We consulted clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer to uncover the key indicators of trauma bonding and effective strategies to break the cycle if you recognize these signs in your own relationship.
Identifying Common Signs of Trauma Bonding
- Trauma bonding emerges from a pattern of abuse where abusive behavior is interspersed with affectionate behavior.
- Individuals experiencing trauma bonding often rationalize the abuse and defend the abuser, nurturing hope for change, partly due to low self-esteem and self-doubt.
- Due in part to their isolation from support systems, individuals trapped in trauma bonding struggle to leave the abusive relationship.
Strategies for Breaking Free
You experience a profound and irresistible attraction.
Your partner has completely captivated you. From the moment you met your partner, you felt an intense attraction that seems to have only grown stronger over time. They shower you with love and attention, meeting your needs in exactly the way you desire.
- What it looks like: Lavish compliments, romantic gestures, thoughtful gifts, and abundant physical affection.
- What you can do: Consider ways to slow down the pace of the relationship. Reduce the frequency of your meetings with your partner and avoid making any major decisions that could accelerate the relationship (such as moving in together).
Your partner oscillates between affection and mistreatment.
The positive moments are so enchanting that you may believe they outweigh the negative. According to clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer, after an 'episode of harm or abuse occurs, there's often a period of idealization, or the honeymoon phase.' During the loving and caring phases, your partner appears to be the most compassionate and caring individual you've ever known. This can lead you to overlook or justify the abusive episodes, convincing yourself that they don't represent your partner's true character.
- What it looks like: Abuse followed by apologies, genuine attempts to 'do better' followed by a return to abusive behavior.
- What you can do: Keep a journal and document the abusive incidents in detail. Revisit these entries during the loving phases of the cycle to remind yourself of your partner's true nature.
There exists an imbalance of power between you and your partner.
The abusive partner wields control over the victim. In some cases of trauma bonding, this control is tangible, but it can also be purely psychological. You might feel incapable of making decisions without consulting your partner first, or you might refrain from taking action for fear of triggering your partner's abusive behavior. Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer highlights that 'the victim often becomes reliant on their relationship with the abuser.'
- What it looks like:
The abusive partner may hold financial dominance due to earning more income, or they may have strong preferences and react strongly when things don't go their way.
- What you can do: Begin asserting control in small aspects of your life. Make decisions independently without considering your partner's wishes.
You justify your partner's abusive actions and defend them.
Out of affection for your partner, you overlook warning signs. You might convince yourself that there's a valid explanation for your partner's behavior—for instance, they were stressed or overwhelmed. Furthermore, you may internalize this rationale, believing that if you were a better partner, they wouldn't treat you poorly. Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer suggests that 'often, these warning signs that people might notice initially might be disguised as 'Oh, they really care about me. They're trying to protect me from the outside world.''
- What it looks like: You justify your partner's abusive behavior by blaming yourself, believing you deserve their treatment, and minimizing their actions to friends or family.
- What you can do: Acknowledge that your partner alone is responsible for their actions. Even if you inadvertently triggered a reaction, they chose how to respond.
Your partner isolates you from your support network.
Reducing your social circle empowers your partner. Your partner likely recognizes that your close friends and family members may confront their abusive behavior. By inducing guilt about spending time with loved ones, they aim to monopolize your perspective. Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer remarks that this manipulation can commence early in the relationship, where 'your partner might begin subtly isolating you from your family and friends.'
- What it looks like: Your partner criticizes your friends or claims they negatively influence you, you withdraw from social activities you once enjoyed, and your absence from social gatherings becomes noticeable to your friends or family. Tenzer also notes that your partner 'might even manipulate you into believing that your family or friends are detrimental to you.'
- What you can do: Reach out individually to trusted friends or family members and disclose the situation. Arrange to meet them when your partner is preoccupied.
You feel like you're constantly tiptoeing around.
Making your partner happy seems like the key to unlocking more good times. This loops back to the cycle of abuse—you start believing that as long as you don't trigger your partner's abusive side, they'll always be the perfect partner. The challenge is, you're never quite sure what will set them off, so you're always hyper-vigilant around them.
- What it looks like: You always say 'yes' to your partner, prioritize your partner's desires over your own, and go to great lengths to maintain your partner's happiness.
- What you can do: Remind yourself that you're not accountable for your partner's reactions. Establish boundaries with your partner about what behaviors you will tolerate.
You struggle with feelings of inadequacy.
You might start to believe you're nothing without your partner. Through emotional manipulation tactics, your partner may chip away at your self-worth until there's almost nothing left. You're convinced that every insult and criticism hurled at you by your partner is valid, with no other voices contradicting this narrative.
- What it looks like: You define your identity solely based on your partner's perception of you, and you refrain from reaching out to others for fear of burdening them.
- What you can do: Reach out to friends and family, if possible, for affirmation of your worth. Reflect on past achievements and moments where you felt proud of yourself.
You are filled with uncertainty about yourself.
Your partner demands that you adopt their version of reality. Initially, you might have tried to confront your partner about their abusive behavior, only to be met with dismissal and gaslighting. They consistently use gaslighting tactics to persuade you that your perceptions are flawed.
- What it looks like: Your partner accuses you of being irrational or distorts your memories of events.
- What you can do: Document abusive incidents in a journal immediately after they occur, while the details are fresh. Refer to these entries to remind yourself of the truth. Seek support from friends or family members, especially those who witnessed the abuse.
You've been neglecting your own needs.
You prioritize your partner's needs over your own, neglecting self-care. Your partner becomes the focal point of the relationship, overshadowing your own well-being. You consistently prioritize their happiness and fulfillment at the expense of your own.
- What it looks like: You consider self-indulgence as selfish, you prioritize your partner's needs over your own responsibilities, and you cancel personal commitments to accommodate your partner's wishes.
- What you can do: Begin incorporating self-care practices into your routine, starting with small acts. Engage in activities that bring you joy, such as spending time in nature or pursuing creative endeavors. Evaluate your needs within the relationship and establish boundaries accordingly.
You struggle to break free from the relationship.
Despite recognizing the toxicity of the relationship, you feel trapped. When ensnared in a cycle of abuse due to trauma bonding, you perceive escape as unattainable. You may even resist leaving, believing that no one else will love you or hoping that things will improve. Clinical therapist Rebecca Tenzer suggests seeking therapy to regain a sense of safety and discuss your situation.
- What it looks like: You entertain the notion of changing your partner, you experience feelings of unattractiveness, you cling to your partner despite their abusive behavior, and you justify staying in the relationship.
- What you can do: Seek support from friends or family members to devise an exit strategy from the relationship. Once you leave, implement strict no-contact measures by blocking your ex-partner on all communication platforms.
