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Discovering that your child identifies beyond the binary gender spectrum can be overwhelming, and it's normal to feel uncertain. Reassure your child of your unconditional love and appreciation for their honesty. If you're unsure about their experience, educate yourself on the transgender and nonbinary community. Seek support from a compassionate pediatrician and a therapist knowledgeable in supporting LGBT youth during this transition.
Steps
Guiding Your Child Through Acceptance
Show appreciation for their trust. Maintain composure and avoid reacting negatively. Acknowledge the courage it took for your child to confide in you. In your initial response, convey gratitude for their honesty.
- Express, “I understand this might not have been easy. Thank you for being open with me. Our ability to communicate openly is crucial, and you should always feel safe sharing with me.”
- If initial reactions were unfavorable, request a calm discussion. State, “Processing that information was challenging, and I apologize for my reaction. I recognize the bravery it took for you to confide in me, and I appreciate your honesty.”
- Be transparent about your emotions and reassure your child of your unwavering love.
Reassure them of your unconditional love and acceptance. Your child might fear losing your love, so alleviate their concerns. Recognize that while they're still your child, they're also an individual with their own identity. Even if you're unsure or anxious, affirm your love for them unequivocally.
- While you may hope it's a phase, allowing them to explore their gender identity is crucial for their well-being.
Listen and inquire according to their lead. Refrain from assuming what being nonbinary means to your child, especially if they're a teen or young adult. Respect their pace and ask how they wish to express their identity. Assure them that they needn't discuss it if they're not ready.
- Inquire about their comfort with their name and pronouns, and their desired mode of expression.
- For older children, discuss future considerations like medical interventions or legal changes.
- Seek their input on how you can offer support.
Use their preferred name and pronouns. Despite the challenge, correctly addressing them is essential. While adjustment may take time, acknowledging their identity is crucial.
- Consider gender as a spectrum rather than binary, acknowledging the complexity.
- Empathize by imagining how you'd feel if your identity was disregarded.
Respect their autonomy in coming out. Refrain from disclosing their identity without consent. Discuss with them how and when they wish to reveal their identity to others, respecting their desire for privacy.
- Allow them to control the narrative and timing of their disclosure.
Educate yourself on gender diversity. It's natural to have questions, and learning is key. Familiarize yourself with various gender identities and distinguish between sex and gender.
- Explore resources like Gender Spectrum for insights, guidance, and personal narratives.
- Consider joining support groups or consulting a counselor versed in gender issues.
Connect your child with support networks and therapy. Both younger children and teenagers benefit from engaging with peers in similar situations. Parents of other nonbinary youths can offer invaluable insights and guidance. Counseling can aid both you and your child in navigating their gender identity.
- Explore online resources for mental health professionals and support groups catering to nonbinary or transgender youths and their families.
- Remember, seeking counseling doesn't imply that being nonbinary or transgender is problematic. Avoid using therapy as a means to alter or suppress your child's gender identity.
Managing Your Feelings
Allow yourself time to process your emotions. Grant yourself permission to experience grief or sadness. It's natural to feel a sense of loss; confide in a trusted loved one and express your feelings privately. While acknowledging your emotions, prioritize supporting your child in embracing their true self.
- Express your emotions but strive not to appear excessively distressed in front of your child. Communicate that you're processing your feelings and adapting over time while assuring them that they haven't disappointed you entirely.
- It's common to experience guilt, but refrain from blaming yourself. Gender dysphoria isn't a result of inadequate parenting; your child remains the same person they were before sharing their identity with you.
Maintain confidence when faced with criticism. Asserting yourself confidently can deter criticism from relatives, friends, or acquaintances regarding your child. If others express skepticism, affirm your child's authenticity and emphasize their well-being as your priority.
- If, for instance, your child assigned male at birth enjoys pretending to be a princess, respond confidently to any raised eyebrows by stating, “Isn't it wonderful that he's comfortable being himself.”
- Stand by your child proudly, and unless their safety is at risk, don't exclude them from family gatherings. Remember, there's nothing wrong with your child or with supporting their genuine identity.
- Prepare to defend your child against bullies or critics, demonstrating your unwavering support for them through your actions and words.
Seek guidance from other parents of LGBTQ+ children. Explore local support groups for friends and relatives of nonbinary youths, or seek online forums if in-person interaction feels daunting. Engaging with other parents' experiences, whether in person or online, can aid in processing your own emotions.
- Search for your nearest PFLAG chapter, which connects parents and loved ones of LGBTQ+ individuals, at https://www.pflag.org.
- Individual counseling sessions, whether alone or with your partner, can also provide valuable support in navigating your emotions.
Guiding Your Young Child
Encourage your child to explore their gender identity. Reassure them that their feelings are valid, and it's normal to feel uncertain. Provide a supportive environment where they can freely explore their interests without conforming to gender stereotypes. Allow them to engage in various activities and play with toys they enjoy, regardless of societal expectations.
- Be attentive to your child's emotional well-being. If certain clothing distresses them, respect their preferences and avoid imposing gendered attire.
- Consider starting with gender exploration at home, especially if your community isn't LGBTQ+-friendly. Prioritize your child's safety when deciding whether to allow public gender expression.
Discuss potential challenges with your child in a gentle manner. Avoid instilling fear or suggesting that something is wrong with them. Affirm your unconditional love and emphasize that they'll encounter understanding individuals. However, prepare them for the possibility of encountering unkindness and offer strategies for coping.
- Communicate, “Society has expectations about how boys and girls should behave or what toys they should play with. It's okay if you don't conform to these expectations. While most people are accepting, some may be unkind.”
- Remind them, “If someone mocks you, don't let it affect your self-esteem. Stay composed and seek assistance from a trusted adult.”
- Prepare your child for potential challenges early on while fostering support networks to help them navigate difficult situations.
Observe and support your child's gender exploration while maintaining caution. Raising a young child exploring their gender identity requires careful consideration. Validate their feelings while acknowledging their developmental stage may limit their understanding. Avoid rushing into significant changes like medical transitioning.
- Children develop at different rates, so there's no fixed age for making pivotal decisions. Consult a supportive pediatrician and counselor to determine the appropriate timing for actions such as informing the school or considering medical interventions (typically legal at 16).
- Allow your child to express themselves authentically, but delay social transitioning until you and their counselor determine readiness.
- In cases of Gender Dysphoria, which can manifest in children as young as 3 or 4, promptly addressing their needs with professional guidance is essential to their well-being.
Consult professionals if you have concerns about your child's well-being. Monitor changes in behavior, eating habits, school performance, and emotional state. Seek assistance from their pediatrician or a child psychologist if you observe persistent signs of distress, as these could indicate Gender Dysphoria.
- Gender nonconformity isn't pathological, but living incongruently with one's gender identity can lead to mental health challenges. Professional support can help your child cope with these difficulties and provide guidance on meeting their needs.
Supporting a Nonbinary Adolescent
Foster open communication with your teen. Aim for meaningful daily conversations, such as during car rides or meals. Use open-ended questions to encourage dialogue and give them your undivided attention.
- Open-ended questions invite more than a yes or no answer. For instance, ask, “What’s the most interesting thing you learned today?”
- Discussing sensitive topics like bullying or sexuality may be challenging but building a strong connection with your teen encourages them to confide in you.
Address body image concerns sensitively. Be attentive to any signs of body discomfort or anxiety in your teen. Occasionally, inquire about their feelings regarding their body and its alignment with their identity, acknowledging the challenges of adolescence.
- Approach the topic with empathy, acknowledging the difficulty of puberty. You might say, “Going through physical changes can be tough, especially if they don’t match how you feel inside.”
- Encourage dialogue without pressure, expressing availability for discussions. For example, ask, “How do you feel about your body? It might be awkward, but I’m here to talk if you want.”
- If they express dissatisfaction, suggest practical solutions like chest binding or facial hair removal.
Collaborate with school authorities regarding your teen's identity. If your teen is open about their identity at school or wishes to be, engage with the counselor and principal. Inquire about the school's environment, safety measures, and LGBTQ awareness initiatives.
- Consider sending a letter to the school administration to update them on your teen's name and pronouns.
- Encourage participation in support groups for similar youth to navigate school challenges.
- If your community is less accepting, prioritize your teen's safety. Communicate gently, emphasizing safety concerns and expressing love and support.
Seek medical guidance for gender-affirming options. Hormone blockers or hormone therapy may be considered by some nonbinary individuals. Consult their pediatrician to understand the risks and benefits.
- Work with medical professionals experienced in Gender Dysphoria to evaluate the appropriateness of hormonal treatments.
- Discuss potential side effects and administration methods with the pediatrician, including injections, topical applications, or oral intake.
- Explore LGBTQ non-profit organizations that provide financial assistance for hormonal therapy if needed.
- Reader Poll: In a survey of 444 Mytour readers with gender dysphoria, only 9% favored gender-affirming surgeries as the best relief method. [Participate] While medical transition may not be their choice, offer unwavering support throughout their journey.
Helpful Advice
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Parents of LGBTQ youth often fear their child may face bullying or harm. While offering guidance is essential, accepting your child for who they are is paramount, even if it's challenging.
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A negative response can deeply impact your child. Despite any confusion or disapproval, reassure them of your love. Remember, their gender identity doesn't change your relationship with them.
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If you mistakenly use incorrect pronouns or names, promptly correct yourself and continue the conversation.
Important Note
- Gender Dysphoria can contribute to anxiety, depression, and self-harm in trans and nonbinary youth. Seek support from a caring mental health professional if you're worried about your child's well-being.
