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Discovering that someone you care deeply about is lying to you can be incredibly distressing, especially when it's someone you love and trust wholeheartedly. If your girlfriend lies to you, you might find yourself feeling confused about how to proceed. In this article, we'll share some tips on how to confront your girlfriend about this issue and what steps you can take to improve your relationship.
Steps
Give her a chance.
It's best to let her come clean about this herself. Instead of interrogating or accusing her of anything, you should approach the conversation gently and give her the opportunity to admit that she lied to you. If she admits it right away, that's a good sign – it means she feels remorseful for lying and is less likely to repeat it.
- You can say, “Hey, can we talk about where you were yesterday?” or “I've been wondering about something you said yesterday.”
- People who feel guilty about lying often confess immediately, while those with a lying habit rarely confess even when confronted head-on.
Ask an innocuous question related to the lie.
Give your girlfriend a chance to explain by asking questions. Instead of diving right into the issue she's guarding against, you can start by mentioning something small. You don't need to pressure her, but you can make her think twice about continuing to lie to you. This is a good way to address the issue without making her feel attacked. You could ask questions like:
- “What time did you go out for lunch yesterday?”
- “Did you hang out with Ngoc yesterday? How was she?”
- “Did you have fun shopping yesterday? Which stores did you visit?”
Question your girlfriend about lying if she refuses to admit.
Let her know that you know she's lying if she doesn't confess. If you have evidence, you can present it; if not, you just need to say you know the truth. Try not to sound too angry, you just need to state the truth so she can't deny it. The goal here is not to argue or make her feel guilty – you just need to say that you know she's not being truthful. You could say:
- “Stop lying. I already know what you did yesterday.”
- “You know that's not true.”
Ask why she feels the need to lie.
Sometimes people lie because they're uneasy about something. While lying is never a good choice, you may understand why your girlfriend does so if she has a valid reason. Ask her why she feels the need to lie to you, then discuss why this is still wrong. You could say:
- “Why do you feel the need to lie to me? Do you think I'd get mad if you went out alone with a male friend?”
- “I just don't understand why you feel the need to lie to me. You know you can tell me anything.”
Make an effort to rebuild trust if your relationship lacks trust.
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust. If your girlfriend lies, you may no longer trust her, and this is not good for anyone's relationship. You can rebuild trust by asking her to communicate openly with you and not lie, even about small things.
- An effective way to rebuild trust is to be completely honest with your girlfriend about every little thing in life. If your girlfriend wants to regain your trust, let her be honest with you about everything, like parking tickets, embarrassing moments, and minor incidents that happen throughout the day.
- Rebuilding trust also means you'll need to be forgiving of what's happened. If you still harbor resentment toward your girlfriend for lying, try to address this issue with her first to see if you can move past the past.
Comfort your girlfriend if she lies due to past events.
Sometimes people lie because they've had to lie in the past. Sometimes they've dated someone who always got angry or upset over trivial matters. Perhaps your girlfriend has been deceived in the past, leaving her suspicious until now. If so, sit down and talk to your girlfriend about your feelings. Say that you're not the person she dated in the past, and let's build trust together to help your girlfriend feel at ease.
- Emotional trauma from past relationships is often challenging to overcome. You may suggest your girlfriend to seek counseling to help with the healing process.
Address jealousy issues if she lies out of fear.
Your girlfriend might lie because she's afraid of your jealousy. This often happens to those who have dated someone controlling or abusive. Even if you're not jealous or angry, she may still think you will be. Talk to your girlfriend about past experiences and help her overcome her fear.
- For example, she may lie about hanging out with a male friend because she thinks you'll get angry.
Build trust if she lies out of shame.
Sometimes people lie to hide a bad habit. If your girlfriend lies about something she's ashamed of, like smoking or drinking even after quitting, let her know she can tell you anything. It might also help if you share some of your own bad habits to show her that you're not perfect either.
- If you've only been dating for a short time, it's understandable why your girlfriend might not feel comfortable telling you the truth about something that embarrasses her. She may think you won't want to be with her anymore.
Forgive your girlfriend if you want to move forward with her.
It might take some time, but you can forgive your girlfriend. Depending on the severity of the situation, you may want to take some time to see if you can move past the past. If possible, forgive her and try to reconnect with your girlfriend. You may need to address underlying issues before deciding to forgive.
- Forgiveness, strange as it sounds, is a choice. You can try to forgive someone by letting go of the past and releasing anger.
- Forgiveness is a very personal process and doesn't necessarily have to happen immediately. You can let your girlfriend know if you need time to think before forgiving.
Make sure she doesn't continue lying to you.
You can carefully check her story or demand evidence if necessary. Even if you've forgiven your girlfriend, you shouldn't forget about this. If she lies about something significant or puts the relationship at risk, you need to scrutinize what she says. You don't have to overdo it or demand evidence for everything, but you can maintain skepticism until she can regain your trust.
- For example, if she previously lied about the amount of money spent, you can ask her to show bank statements.
Consider ending the relationship if she continues to lie.
Unfortunately, lying can be a deal-breaker for many people. If your girlfriend continues to lie and you feel you can't trust her, it may be time to end the relationship. This is a serious decision and doesn't need to be rushed, but you also don't have to continue being with someone you can't trust.
- People with compulsive lying disorder, meaning they constantly lie, often need help from a mental health professional to overcome lying. If your girlfriend falls into this category, she may need to see a therapist who can help her stop lying.
