Buzz
Avoid the blind spots in how parents guide, accompany, and educate their children during the secondary school years.
With nearly 15 years of teaching experience, the first 5 years focused on university, the next 5 on high school, and the last 5 primarily on middle and elementary school, I've encountered and observed many blind spots in how parents guide, accompany, and educate their children during secondary school. This often leads to unfortunate and regrettable stories.
So today, I want to share a few thoughts with parents whose children are in secondary school. This sharing may resonate with some, or it may not. Life rarely offers absolutes. Therefore, let's contemplate and consider the possibility of change for our children.
1. Embrace the Uniqueness of Self
'Mom, why am I different now? Last year, I used to be so cute, and now it's like I've turned into a different person. Whatever you say, I argue back to the point that you don't even dare to approach me anymore,' shared a mother about her seventh-grade daughter. If you've felt this way, then congratulations. That's normal. If kids don't go through changes in secondary school, that would be... unusual.
In secondary school, kids begin to contemplate their thoughts and emotions, developing their unique perspectives on the world. They connect what they observe from life, books, or movies to compare, argue, and internalize. It's when they shape and cultivate their sense of self.
So, if your child seems like a different person in secondary school, it's a sign of their growth and the development of their individuality. Embrace it.
Many parents dismissively say, 'Let it be, it will pass,' without realizing that this is the most beautiful phase, with tremendous potential for exploration and development in many aspects for the kids. Being indifferent or relying only on 'iron discipline' often strains and breaks the parent-child relationship during secondary school. Eventually, when the child reaches high school, it seems like the two worlds of parents and children are no longer tightly connected.
Guiding through secondary school should probably start with an awareness of respecting the differences in the kids' selves. Otherwise, all forms of 'guidance' will be coercive, leading to sustained damage in the parent-child relationship and sometimes even in the personality of the kids in the long run.
2. Help your child filter friends
Throughout primary school, children see their parents as role models. However, in secondary school, they may no longer see parents as fairy godmothers but as ordinary people with limitations and mistakes. Therefore, if parents want to assert themselves as right – sometimes without being right – but lack delicate communication, it may make the kids more likely to dismiss or ignore the parents' opinions.
Conversely, they value the opinions, perspectives, and hobbies of friends more. Criticize them for something, and they might casually ignore it; but if friends tease or praise them a bit, they can ponder endlessly. To some extent, this 'friendship syndrome' is beneficial if they can build positive and supportive friendships. However, while kids quickly pick up negative influences like ink spreading in water, the positive ones often seep in slowly, like bone broth simmering over time.
Photo: Unsplash.
Perhaps parents shouldn't intervene like a surveillance camera in their kids' interactions with friends, but also, don't turn a blind eye, oblivious to who they hang out with and what they do. We should ensure that they engage with good and positive friends. However, if they're surrounded by bad influences, negatively impacting them, don't hesitate to enforce discipline so that they understand:
In life, there are things they are allowed to do, and there are absolutely... NOT.
3. Technology Management
Nowadays, technology is like a dish many parents casually hand over to their kids without any principles, agreements, or rules. It's no different from the way many people just hand out fried chicken, french fries, carbonated drinks, etc., to them EVERY DAY.
Honestly, I haven't witnessed any child obsessed with technology, using it recklessly, and still making sustainable and multifaceted progress in their studies.
Not to mention during the teenage years, the time when melatonin, the natural 'sleep hormone' in the brain, is secreted about two hours later at night. Therefore, they tend to stay up later than adults. The influx of technology through electronic devices, along with social media, entertaining apps, and endless chat channels, blankets the nighttime lives of kids.
Some stay up until 1 am to surf the internet, while others wait for their parents to fall asleep before sneaking up to play games until 3 am and then going back to sleep. A certain 'ignorance' against scientific principles in the way of 'teaching' kids to use technology. Sorry, I'm a bit outspoken here because I've witnessed some children living an unorganized lifestyle due to 'parents buying computers and phones for their children and letting them use them that way'.
When conducting brain scans with fMRI technology, researchers discovered how the connections between the two brain hemispheres 'degenerate' in cocaine addicts, and this is almost a replica of what happens in the brains of tech and internet-addicted teenagers.
Additionally, in people addicted to online gaming, the gray matter regions responsible for memory, emotions, communication, goal orientation, decision-making, all undergo changes, shrinking by about 20%. Therefore, without clear usage principles, tech addiction becomes the catalyst for the declining motivation to learn, which is already compromised in middle school.
4. Listen to your child's spectrum of emotions
The teenage years mark a time when adolescents experience a spectrum of basic human emotions: love, excitement, surprise, sadness, fear, anger, disgust, guilt, and shame. All of these can overwhelm and confuse teens, leaving them unsure how to cope.
On one hand, they have an abundance of gray matter for rapid information processing and learning. On the other hand, the brain's control over reasoning, logic, cause, and effect is not fully matured, lacking connections to regulate thoughts, emotions, speech, and behavior. This is why teenagers often make impulsive decisions without considering consequences. Simply put, they haven't learned how to cope with the complex developments in their own psychology.
Image: Unsplash.
All these tumultuous experiences flow like a powerful river, seemingly uncontrollable. However, if we perceive everything as normal, parents can become the shores of the river. Let's embrace the turbulent flow of teenagers and turn those seemingly uncontrollable moments into opportunities for positive growth.
Instead of trying to block them, let them release their emotions. Later, when the emotional storm subsides, parents can lend them the 'borrowed' wisdom of adulthood to explain and share thoughts, not to impose and force them to listen and understand immediately – usually, that's not feasible.
Consider these shared moments like rain showers, regularly watering the plants of positive, humane thoughts. As they 'grow a bit older,' they'll absorb enough to interpret their own thoughts.
5. Nurture your child's learning motivation in secondary school
In secondary school, many kids often attend classes with a blank expression, as if pre-programmed into default mode. Learning becomes a battlefield, escalating tension between parents, teachers, and them, even with themselves. Learning is no longer about inspiration or passion but gradually transforms into coping mechanisms.
Almost every class is an endless saga of students battling with practicing extremely basic skills, repeated to the point of headaches and nausea. Each day, the school contents, exercise types, and questions become more complicated than necessary, as if children are being stuffed to become... experts in every subject. Every child stretches their brains to digest information by cramming, and after the exam, they... unload everything.
Honestly, I've directly conversed with many high-achieving international stars in secondary school, with gold and silver medals, IELTS scores of 7.0 – 8.0, engaging in debates like firing guns, but I don't see any bright thinking or intrinsic learning motivation. Perhaps, most of those achievements are due to the 'inflation' by test prep experts, tricks, and teachers who prepare them for exams with pre-arranged outlines... for them to memorize.
That's the education many people pursue nowadays, considering grades as the ultimate measure of excellence. Sometimes, I feel exhausted with the trend-following and trivial, fragile foundation of thinking of many parents.
So, perhaps, to maintain the learning motivation for secondary school kids, let them take fewer exams, and let them pursue more creative learning, follow 1-2 of their hobbies, instead of always chasing... practice, practice, and practice.
6. Encourage Explosive Creativity
Entering this age, teens are like a giant idea factory with the Innovation switch turned on intensely. Teenage ideas sometimes surpass those of adults. Secondary school is a developmental stage where the child's brain stretches, capable of rapid growth in high-level thinking skills. Teenage ideas sometimes surpass those of adults.
However, now, many parents and teachers, schools even seem to go against the natural flow. They even freeze it with outdated teaching methods, rigid structures at school and at home because they fear they cannot control it or do not know how to control the thinking of teens flowing like melting snow. Even more 'superior' than in primary school, the amount of standardized learning, exam preparation, and problem-solving in secondary school has increased by 10-20 times in almost every subject.
It's truly regrettable: At an age when creativity is at its peak, we are blocking it, molding it into repetitive memorization instead. As the writer Rosseau wrote about education 250 years ago: 'Instead of helping us find evidence, people read us the evidence; instead of teaching us to argue, the teacher argues for us and only trains our memory.'
Grant back the space, time, and habits of creative learning to teenagers in their CREATIVE age of human life.
7. Nurture the Seeds of Character
The age of secondary school needs to cultivate reflective habits, contemplation, deep self-understanding, not just talking, doing, thinking, or playing 'childish' things all day. Only then will they truly understand who they are, in the past, today, and tomorrow. Reflecting inward will help them empathize, understand those around them, first with parents and family, then with friends and school, and even broader with society and life.
Don't always chase after achievements, medals, grades for a storm of likes, shares, and the fireworks of friends online, forgetting the importance of shaping the character values and life perspectives of secondary school students.
Remember, they still have to go through the high school years – and many more years beyond – where they become less inclined to listen to parents. So, if you want to shape their character and worldview, don't overlook the prime stage to do so: Secondary School.
8. Connect Through Stories
Every child in the Secondary School stage is fighting their own battles, and parents cannot play the role of an enemy or a neutral party in that battle. We must stand on the same front with them, keeping a clear head and a warm heart. The clear head of parents is to provide reasoning to their child, while the warm heart is to help them understand that beneath the seemingly tedious reminders lies love, and a willingness to sacrifice everything for them.
Therefore, parents need to take time to communicate with their child, focusing on the positive and beautiful things they possess. The wisdom and subtlety of parents lie in adapting to different situations, patiently and calmly reminding those mischievous kids in various forms and at different places. As long as we avoid belittling, scorn, harsh criticism, or indifference, they will remember and change in the end.
Image: Unsplash.
Researchers have discovered that storytelling, once a magnificent art, has been lost and forgotten in every household. Adults are either too busy or find excuses not to leisurely and passionately tell stories to the children. Instead, they push them into extra classes or leave them glued to television, gadgets, and entertainment software all day.
However, they forget that storytelling about family, the past, the journey of their parents from humble beginnings, cultural traditions, is the rich and solid topsoil for the character and values of children, and for the enduring parent-child relationship over time. In the past, during Primary School, we could embrace them with open arms and sweet words of love, but now, even if they seem a bit 'allergic,' we can still embrace Secondary School children with an open heart and stories that 'soak in like a prolonged rain.
It is a superior form of education, cost-effective, with long-lasting and profound effects. However, many either haven't realized it or have forgotten. Therefore, they pour money into high-quality exam preparation programs, super-smart software, optimal learning technology, but overlook the secret weapon of the 'treasures' from the old stories.
Back in the day, when I started teaching Secondary School, I felt like a child, clueless about how to deal with this group of students who were 'rebellious, unruly, and challenging.' I remember wishing they would grow up and mature like my high school and university students. It would be so delightful and ease my mind.
Then, I kept reading, researching, observing, experimenting, and learning independently. I underwent a 180-degree change in my thinking: The dream I had before was a foolish and futile desire of myself.
Instead, I reconsidered:
Cherish and hold onto the rare 'Destiny' in this life, to accompany, influence, and transform these youngsters. Because this is the golden time to do that, not only changing their language proficiency and study awareness but possibly altering their path and how they navigate through life in the future.
Every time parting ways with a batch of students transitioning from Secondary to High School, I often don't pay much attention to the high scores they achieve or their English language skills. Instead, I look at their personalities, thinking styles, and ways of living, and I feel somewhat reassured.
Having gone through Secondary School with these kids, don't fixate on superficial achievements; instead, focus on how they think, feel, love, and learn. All that matters is the natural essence within them, not the molding, imposition, or the pink coat that fades and blows away with the wind.
I vividly recall the words of the psychologist Granville Stanley Hall, the foundation of child research, who wrote in 1904 about the brilliance of adolescence:
'This is the most beautiful decade of life. No other age can sow and plant seeds, both good and bad, that take root deep, grow into a tree, and bear fruit as much as this age.'
What are we sowing for the youngsters at this... enchanting age?
Posted by: Bùi Quốc Đạt
Keywords: Writing for parents with middle schoolers
