Buzz
Despite society's proclaimed love for its furry companions, there's a booming market dedicated to tormenting the poor 'kitty-witties' and 'poochie-woochies' that make up the elite of the animal world. Their owners turn them into laughingstocks with all manner of ridiculous pet accessories. The animals grimace, endure the shame, and pray that their wild ancestors—wolves or tigers—might one day answer the Call of the Wild, hunt down their smug owners, and reduce them to dog-biscuit-sized pieces.
Just to clarify: we’re not focusing on typical pet outfits or Halloween costumes like other lists do. Our pets are subjected to far more creative indignities than the usual costumes. Here are ten of the most over-the-top examples.
10. Enormous Mustache Chew Toy
Dogs aren't into memes, just in case you forgot. They couldn't care less that mustaches are considered cool by some. They don’t even know what a mustache is! Yet, here we are, unwittingly fueling the Puppy Therapy trend because we wanted—just as the captions inevitably say—some 'lulz'.
Take a look at this poor pup. Notice those sorrowful red eyes and his head drooping in total defeat? He knows he looks utterly absurd, while his owner laughs and points at him—and he’s not having it. It wouldn’t take much for him to fantasize about chewing that silly thing into pieces and mixing it into his owner’s food, hoping they choke on the plastic. But alas, as with most revenge daydreams, this one will remain unfulfilled.
Trust me, the dog wouldn’t mind the chew-ball portion of this ridiculous contraption. But the useless, non-chewable part that forms the mustache? That’s just a failed attempt at irony, forced onto an animal who likely understands real irony better than the one who came up with this.
9. Duck-Billed Dog Muzzle
Some dogs do need muzzles—I get it. You don’t want Buster chewing through shoes, pillows, or even going after small children every time you bend down to tie your shoes. But let’s face it—training him properly seems like way too much work. So instead, you just slap a Bane mask on the poor dog and go back to watching Honey Boo Boo Breaks Bad, or whatever the kids are into these days. I totally get it.
But at least Bane looked intimidating. What, exactly, is the point of a duckbill muzzle? Is the goal to glare at your dog and say 'quack'? If your mission is to make your dog feel smarter than you, then congratulations—mission accomplished.
And when you realize that the animals used in these product ads look like they couldn’t tear up a scrap of paper—let alone rip apart the cushions of your expensive Italian leather sofa—the whole thing begins to look more like a case of Small Animal Bullying. Try that on a 200-pound Mastiff and let us know how it goes. Assuming you still have lips, that is.
8. Doggie Nail Polish
In a just world, the number of people who would want to paint their pets' nails would be close to zero—and those few who still held such a bizarre desire would likely be sent off to an asylum. Their days would be spent alternating between painting doggie toenails and narrowly escaping the authorities on a constant manhunt.
But justice has no place in this world—so not only do countless people still paint their dogs’ nails, but entire businesses have sprung up around this idea! For just $81, you too can choose from up to 18 different colors to make your dog feel fabulous. Never mind that the color-blind dog probably won’t have the slightest clue about it.
7. Grinning Lips Dog Toy
If the thought of your dog rocking a Snidely Whiplash-style mustache is too sophisticated for you, maybe Funny Teeth are more your speed. Just like the Mustache Chew Toy, the dog gnaws on a plastic ball attached to something silly that will have the owner giggling in delight. The fortunate pup probably hasn’t heard their owner laugh like that since CBS aired a marathon of 2 Broke Girls.
What’s so amusing about Smile Teeth? Picture a grin so sinister, it rivals that of The Joker or the terrifying grin of a chimpanzee on the verge of launching an attack for invading its space. Or imagine Jack Nicholson pulling that same expression in every role he’s ever played. Simply put—unless your dog has been trained as a fierce guardian and you intend for this toy to serve as a deterrent to intruders—you're essentially branding your dog as a psychopath for the sake of humor. Just be alert for when it turns into a real threat.
6. Doggie Pet Towel
To your pet, a towel is simply a towel. Adding a frog head on top won’t spark any particular reaction, except maybe a puzzled look at your sudden, maniacal laughter.
This would be manageable if it were just a frog head—an amusing accessory to make towel time a little more entertaining. But no, it includes frog feet as well, and you can spread it out on your dog whenever they’re simply trying to relax and mind their own business.
To ease any worries about this being a sexist product: the website assures us that it's "perfect for boy and girl dogs." Good; we wouldn’t want to exclude half of our canine population from feeling embarrassed about their very existence.
5. Pet Tattoos
No—these are not real tattoos. The idea of using ink and needles on a pet is outright cruelty and definitely not something to joke about.
Temporary tattoos, on the other hand, are just plain ridiculous. The designers clearly didn’t consider the pet’s best interests. If they had, they would have left the concept behind and perhaps shifted their efforts into something more useful, like drawing smiley faces on customers’ cups at Starbucks. No—this is all about the owner trying to impress their neighbors with tattoos on their dog, perhaps showing that their pet loves bunnies or maybe even Batman. The bunny tattoo might be a great way to prank your dog, especially if it's trained to chase rabbits out of your yard.
The best animal tattoo has to be the Cross. If you’re passionate about Jesus to the extent that you want your pet to share the Gospel, this is your chance. But don't try it on your cat. Cats are often associated with the devil, and a cross on one of them is only good for starting a massive bonfire.
4. Cat DJ Scratching Pad
Don't think I forgot about cats in this list. They're just trickier to embarrass than dogs, mainly because cats don't care at all what you think of them. But one company certainly tried, offering a product where your furry friend, Sparkles, can scratch a record and leave you wondering why everyone is grinning at him.
The joke—if you can call it that—only works if your cat scratches the record. The problem: it's a cat. Have you ever met a cat that only scratches what you want it to? No, because they just do whatever they want. After a quick scratch, your cat would go right back to knocking things off the table. Never mind opposable thumbs; you're lucky if your cat doesn’t use its middle finger to show you who's in charge, especially when you try to make them a DJ.
3. Pet Peek
It’s one thing to make your dog look silly, but is it really necessary to make him feel utterly helpless too? That’s just cruel, but sadly, it's exactly what people are doing. The Pet Peek is the newest and most ridiculous invention designed to tease and torment your dog. Inspired by dogs' natural curiosity, this little bubble window gets mounted on your fence, allowing your dog to poke his head through and see what's on the other side. He’ll want to touch, lick, sniff, pee on, and explore everything—but he can’t. All you’ve given him is a view, nothing more.
Meanwhile, anyone standing on the other side of the fence will be treated to the sight of your poor dog’s frantic head inside the bubble window. They'll laugh, point, and fawn over how adorable the poor, desperate animal looks. It’s too cute—maybe they’ll even knock on the window to see how he reacts. Or perhaps, just maybe, he’ll finally escape to take revenge on those who mocked him. Now *that* would be the source of some real laughs.
2. Escape-Preventing Dog Harness
Nobody wants their pet to run off, but what if you have a small animal and your fence has some gaps? Sure, you could fix the fence, but that would take time away from your busy schedule of making animals' lives more entertaining. Instead, just pop this harness around your dog’s neck and watch as a look of resigned gratitude slowly spreads across his face.
It’s almost like a cartoon: attach a long stick to your dog to keep him from escaping. Naturally, being a dog, he won’t understand the setup and will keep trying to make his great escape. He'll keep running into the block, try again, and fail over and over—while Master’s beer-guzzling friends laugh harder with each failure.
1. Rear Gear Butt Covers
You know what's truly frustrating about having a pet? They never clean themselves after using the bathroom. What do they think they are, some sort of wild creature? And if you try to do it for them, they squirm, resist, and then just run off and mess again, anyway.
So, what's the solution to this inconvenient issue? Butt covers! For just five bucks, you can grab a cute little flower to cover your pet’s backside, so no one has to witness your dog frolicking around the beach with half-formed grass-poo dangling from its exposed rear.
