Buzz
Ever kept a secret so embarrassing or startling that you couldn’t even think of telling anyone?
Recently, Reddit user u/ive_never_been_loved posed this exact question, and the answers that followed were filled with deep, dark secrets.
There were certainly some more somber responses that I'll leave for you to explore on your own, but many of them were just plain funny. Here are some jaw-dropping — yet amusing — secrets people have sworn to keep to themselves!
*Well, except for us, of course.
1. "When I was around 7, my dad took me to Blockbuster, and I really had to pee. Since Blockbuster didn’t have a bathroom, I ended up peeing in one of the aisles. I’m pretty sure the cameras caught me, but thankfully, there was no one nearby."
—u/Opti-Free31
2. "I once worked in a shopping mall. One day, as I was walking into the building, I sneezed and ended up completely soiling myself."
"I was just a few steps from the store, and I had to act quickly. Without much thought, I veered left into a department store. With only $5 in my pocket, I rushed to the undergarments aisle and grabbed the most affordable pair. I then made my way to the public restrooms to sort out the mess. It was quite a situation. I texted my boss, claiming I was stuck in traffic, when I was only 100 meters away, scrambling to salvage whatever dignity I had left for the next 20 minutes. In the end, the mission was accomplished, and that day has become the benchmark for all others. Every day since has been better by comparison."
—u/Jlandyj
3. "When I was 9, my dad and I were flipping through Reader's Digest when we came across a subscription card for a free case of Depends adult diapers. We decided to put my uncle's name and address on it and dropped it in the mailbox. A couple of weeks later, he received the package and called everyone in the family, trying to figure out who had done it. We knew he was furious, so we kept quiet. To this day, the family still suspects it was my other uncle."
—u/1BoiledCabbage
4. "For nearly a decade, I didn't know my best friend's actual name. She always went by Katie, and I convinced myself early on that it was just a short version of Katelyn. So, imagine my shock when I overheard someone call her 'Kathryn' at our graduation. I had no idea how to bring that up in conversation after all these years."
—u/quetsche_coatl
5. "One time, I ended up... let's say, engaging in self-pleasure while looking at a picture of myself."
—u/cespar228
6. "About 10 years ago, when I was still a teenager, my dad, who worked in the video game industry at the time, received an expensive gaming laptop (worth about $3,000) as a gift. Since he had no real use for it, he gave it to me because I was really into playing World of Warcraft. He made it very clear that I should NEVER put drinks or anything liquid near it, as I tend to be a bit clumsy. But one night, I made myself a massive bowl of cornflakes and, in my forgetfulness, placed it next to the laptop, having left my spoon in the kitchen."
"Sometimes, I would cover myself with a blanket while gaming, and that night, when I got up from my chair, I somehow managed to flip the bowl over with the blanket. The milk poured all over the open laptop. Panic set in, and I immediately powered it down and cleaned it up, desperately trying to save it. Unfortunately, the laptop never turned back on, but I was too terrified to tell my dad what had happened. Instead, I claimed I had no idea why it wasn’t working, and that it had been perfectly fine just the night before. I still feel horribly guilty about it."
—u/Yvacia
7. "When I was in elementary school, I once misplaced something and asked to go to the lost and found. The lost and found room was basically a huge storage closet, and it was also where they kept the Cokes for the vending machines. So, I took one. From then on, a few times a week, I would 'remember' that I had lost something and sneak back in to 'find' another Coke. I don’t even know how long this went on, but I definitely got a lot of free Cokes."
—u/Nowforscd
8. "When I was about 8 or 9 years old, a friend and I decided to build a fort. We enjoyed pretending to be soldiers, so we made it a routine to visit our 'base' every day, standing guard at various posts. One day, we heard that the father of some girls in our class had built a little cabin for them to play in, hidden deep in the woods. Curious, we went to check it out and were in awe of how nice it was, with a real door, hinges, a small fence, and even a window. Seeing it as a threat to our 'territory,' we grabbed hammers and a saw, and set to work destroying their cabin."
"The following day, we saw the girls mourning over the destruction of their clubhouse. We were so terrified of being caught that we kept the secret to ourselves and never confessed to what we had done."
—u/elg9553
9. "When I was around 10 years old, I had a rather tight experience while trying to use the bathroom. I ended up putting my finger there to loosen things up a bit, and it surprisingly felt good. I continued this for about five years every time I needed to go. It wasn’t until a week ago that I realized what I had been doing all that time."
—u/shrikaizerion
10. "Back in fourth grade, I decided to play a prank on my friend by adding mustard to his burger, as he had once told me he hated it. I found out the hard way that he was actually allergic to mustard. He missed school for three days, and I thought I might have seriously hurt him. To this day, no one knows I was the one who did it."
—u/Far_Tonyu
11. "When I was in second grade, I had a rather embarrassing experience where I peed my pants two days in a row. The teacher had a strict policy of not allowing students to leave for the bathroom, even during free time. The third time, I spent a long 10 minutes pleading with her before she finally agreed, but by the time I got to the bathroom, I had already wet myself. My family only knows about the one time, but I actually had to face this humiliation twice during the first week of school. After that, I kept a water bottle with me to relieve myself during her class for the rest of the year."
—u/Sea_Ear_6224
12. "For years, I secretly put boogers on my little brother’s wall next to his bed. He ended up getting into so much trouble because of it."
—u/BrandynWayne
13. "I joined a Youth Corp international mission trip to help rebuild a rural town in the Philippines that had been devastated by a typhoon. One rainy evening, when all the guys were using the bathroom in our designated area, I suddenly had the urge to go. I decided to sneak into the women’s quarters to use their bathroom, which was located just outside their bedrooms. Afterward, I realized that the toilet was only meant for liquids."
"It was too large to fit. I'd need to cut it lengthwise to make it work, but even then it would be a challenge. I wanted to avoid drawing any attention, so I wrapped my hand with what felt like 1-ply toilet paper, grabbed the warm item, checked to make sure no one was around, and tossed it over a wall where I could hear some karaoke playing."
—u/jftangpuz
14. "At the eighth-grade graduation party at the water park, I was in the wave pool and thought I needed to fart. It turns out I was wrong, and I ended up shutting the entire pool down. No one ever found out it was me."
—u/setthepeoplefr33
"When I was in third grade, I thought wearing glasses was the ultimate cool move, but since my vision was nearly perfect, I intentionally failed an eye exam. Fast forward nearly 20 years, and now I’m legally blind without my glasses because I messed up my eyes. That’s a secret I’ll carry to my grave."
—u/vokevil
16. "I once... shall we say, had a moment with the monkeys from the movie Madagascar, and that’s something no one will ever know about."
—u/nightmare02531
"I made the family fries using a pan I had used to decarb weed, and everyone ended up ridiculously high."
—u/athos5
18. "Around 15 years ago, my sister had a gerbil. One day, I decided to surprise her by bringing it out of its cage in the living room. I slipped on the carpet, and the gerbil went flying straight into the wall. It made a sound like a golf ball hitting the wall, and the gerbil was totally still."
"Naturally, I quickly put it back in its cage and just got out of there. But to my surprise, the little guy was alive and moving again after a few minutes. It went on to live for another two years without anyone knowing I basically launched it into the wall at full speed."
—u/Techn028
When I was a child, I grew up in a small rural town with a population of just 3,000. Throughout high school, I had a crush on a girl who was two years older than me. When I turned 16, I discovered that she was actually my half-sister, the result of my father’s infidelity with her mother.
This revelation only came to light when she turned 18 and learned the identity of her biological father. Before that, no one knew, and both my dad and her mom kept the secret for 18 years. It really messed with my mind for a while, knowing I had a crush on my half-sister for so long.
—u/letsplaysquash
At the age of 13, I knew a notorious kid in my neighborhood who had a reputation for shoplifting. I had just started smoking, and a new gas station opened nearby where they used to leave entire cartons of cigarettes out in the open. This kid regularly stole them. I asked him if he would get me a carton, and he agreed—but only if I traded something for it. He wanted my Game Boy, but I offered him something better: a diamond ring from my mom’s jewelry box. So I went into her room, grabbed the ring, and gave it to him in exchange for the cigarettes.
Even now, I keep telling myself that it was just costume jewelry to make myself feel better, but honestly, I’m not sure. I’m sorry, Mom.
—u/fluffytuff
When I was 17, my parents went on vacation, and my car battery died. I needed a replacement, so I borrowed their brand-new sports car and drove 20 minutes to get one. Because I was terrified of getting caught, I placed the battery on the leather seats. But car batteries aren’t sealed, and it leaked acid all over the seats. I could smell it, panicked, and moved the battery to the floor, but it burned through the carpet. To this day, my parents blame my brother for it.
—u/oxtrue
There was this guy in school who bullied everyone. One day, I was sick and went to his room. I peed in his water bottle, threw the pee away, but didn’t bother rinsing the bottle. It felt pretty satisfying later when I saw him drinking from it.
—u/Puzzleheaded-Plum427
When I was younger, my dad was single, and a lot of my friends' moms would often bring us food. My dad would always say they were just being kind because he was a single dad raising three kids. One day, I was sick, and my aunt picked me up from school. She must have had an idea of what was going on and had me wait in the car. Both of my friends' moms came out, half-dressed, with my aunt yelling at my dad. I never told anyone because I was too scared. One mom was divorced, the other wasn’t, and I didn’t want to destroy their families. I’ll carry that secret to my grave.
—u/Usual_Ear_2764
Lastly, my brother said something that really upset me when we were kids. I had my BB gun with me, so I shot him in the butt. I then blamed it on a wasp sting, and somehow my mom believed it.
—u/ratinthehat800
