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The pain of losing a pet is profound, yet it’s a topic that’s rarely discussed or acknowledged by others. Navigating this grief can be particularly challenging when those around you dismiss or downplay your emotions.
This is where Jackson Galaxy, a renowned cat behavior and wellness expert, comes into the picture. (You might recognize him from his iconic Animal Planet series My Cat from Hell, which is a must-watch if you haven’t seen it!)
During a recent online session for Jackson Galaxy's Cat Camp, Galaxy collaborated with Stephanie Rogers, a specialist in coping with the loss of animal companions, to discuss the topic in a talk titled "You're Not Going Crazy, You're Grieving." Here are the key insights shared by the experts:
1. Grieving opens the floodgates, as it often involves mourning more than just a single loss.
Galaxy shared that after the passing of his cat Lily earlier this year, he also found himself mourning the loss of his mother. "Grief is never limited to just one loss," Rogers emphasized.
2. Disenfranchised grief is a genuine experience, and it’s something you might encounter.
Rogers described this as "the grief someone feels when their loss isn’t openly recognized, socially validated, or publicly mourned." Examples include miscarriage, stillbirth, suicide, murder, and even deaths related to COVID-19.
3. Losses involving animals are often disenfranchised, as they are frequently downplayed by others.
"These losses rarely receive public acknowledgment, sometimes not even from friends or family, and often cannot be openly grieved. They lack social support, are dismissed, or even ridiculed," Rogers explained.
4. Experiencing this type of loss can make you feel profoundly isolated and alone.
"The grief over losing an animal companion is a form of disenfranchised grief," Rogers stated.
5. Remember, you are not alone in this.
Rogers added, "You won’t have to endure all this pain, grief, and everything else by yourself. There’s an invisible network of people supporting you."
6. Keep in mind that every beloved creature you’ve lost remains a part of you.
"The connection you shared doesn’t disappear. The bond lives on even after the physical form is gone," Rogers explained.
7. Understand that you’re not "losing your mind," nor are you "weak," "childish," or "too emotional."
Rogers added, "You’re none of those labels—you’re simply grieving."
8. The depth of our grief reflects the depth of our love.
"Love comes in many forms—whether it’s a creature with scales, fur, or skin—it’s the bond and affection we share that determines the magnitude of our sorrow," Rogers explained.
9. Remember, grief is the internal experience of loss. It’s a journey, not a single moment.
"Grief is the internal experience that can be incredibly difficult to articulate or put into words," Rogers noted.
10. The grieving process is ongoing and doesn’t follow a linear path with a clear beginning, middle, or end.
"You’ll never reach a point where you’re completely 'OK' with the loss of your loved one," Rogers explained. "However, the intensity of your grief will evolve. It may resurface years later, but it will transform and shift throughout your life," she added.
11. Mourning, on the other hand, represents the outward expression of your inner grief.
"Crying is one of the most common examples of mourning—it’s the external manifestation of internal sorrow. Other forms include rituals, which don’t need to be grand or complex, and sharing memories of those who have passed," Rogers explained.
12. Bereavement refers to the state of experiencing both grief and mourning.
"Bereavement is often linked to time, particularly in cultures that maintain traditional mourning practices," Rogers added.
13. You might also face compounded or cumulative grief.
"This occurs when we face multiple losses in quick succession, leaving us without the capacity to process them fully. This includes re-grieving past losses that resurface during such times," Rogers explained.
14. There’s also a phenomenon known as collective grief, something we’re all currently experiencing.
"Collective grief is defined as when a community, society, city, nation, or even the entire world undergoes a significant change or loss together," Rogers elaborated. "During times of collective grief, like the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, we’re mourning a living loss—one that persists without a clear end in sight. This brings added stress and trauma. Any personal grief experienced during such periods naturally becomes compounded."
15. It might be difficult to accept, but grief isn’t something that can be 'fixed.'
"Instead of trying to 'get over' grief, we need to shift our perspective and see it as a transformative experience that shapes our lives," Rogers stated.
16. One thing you CAN do is to fully embrace your grief.
"Start by recognizing the depth and intensity of your loss. Remember, as mentioned earlier, the scale of your grief reflects the depth of your love," Rogers explained. "If your love was immense, your grief will naturally be profound."
17. A useful practice is to sit down, reflect on what you’ve lost, and write, 'This is who/what I have lost...'
"I refer to this as 'naming and claiming a loss,'" Rogers explained. "Keep in mind that losses aren’t limited to living beings. When creating this list, begin with your most recent loss, but don’t hesitate to revisit earlier ones. Don’t overthink it—just let your thoughts flow freely onto the page."
18. Then, ask yourself, 'How has my world changed because of this loss?'
Rogers added, "When you gather the courage to face your grief and truly examine it, you’ll discover that the changes it brings aren’t always negative."
19. ...and also, 'How can I integrate this loss into my life? How can I best honor who or what I’ve lost?'
Remember, it’s not about 'How can I get over it?', 'How can I let go?', or 'How can I move on?' That’s not the essence of grief," Rogers emphasized.
20. Always remember that self-compassion is essential.
"Treat yourself with the same kindness and care you’d show to someone you deeply love," Rogers advised.
21. Make an effort to practice mindfulness and stay present in the moment.
"Instead of worrying about the future, dwelling on the past, or criticizing yourself for past actions—remember that 'now' is always where 'normal' begins," Rogers said.
22. A simple way to ground yourself in the present is through focused breathing.
"Focused breathing reduces your heart rate and blood pressure while increasing oxygen flow to your blood, leading to clearer thinking," Rogers explained.
23. Lastly, understand that the mind prefers guilt over helplessness.
Rogers elaborated, "During the time you’re feeling miserable, lost in that emotional spiral, your mind clings to a fantasy where your beloved pet is still alive. One of the hardest parts of grieving is accepting the reality of death. It’s a gradual process. While your rational mind knows the truth, convincing the rest of your being to accept what you desperately wish wasn’t real takes time."
