Buzz
Anyone familiar with 1980s cartoons understands that He-Man and the Masters of the Universe essentially functioned as a 30-minute advertisement for Mattel’s Masters of the Universe toy line. Similarly, Transformers and GI Joe, while entertaining, often tailored their episodes to promote newly released characters or vehicles.
This list, however, focuses on a different breed of shows. The 1980s were rife with uninspired cartoons designed to cash in on trending toys, movies, and celebrities. While there were gems like Robotech, Galaxy Rangers, Voltron, Silverhawks, GI Joe, and Transformers (yes, I had a thing for robots and action), most were downright terrible. Why? Because any popular video game, show, personality, or toy could be hastily turned into a cartoon. More accurately, it was a quick way to make money while subjecting unsuspecting kids to mindless entertainment. If you didn’t grow up in the 1980s with TV as your babysitter, consider yourself lucky.
10. The Adventures of Pac-Man
A yellow, circular character navigates an unchanging maze, consuming tiny dots while evading four relentless ghosts. As you progress through levels, your score increases, and the ghosts become faster. Sounds like the ideal premise for a children's show, right? Even as a kid, I found The Adventures of Pac-Man to be painfully dull.
9. Star Wars: Ewoks
I’ll confess: I enjoy Lucas’ Star Wars: Clone Wars series on Cartoon Network. (The movie, however, was a letdown.) SW: CW succeeds by focusing on one of the prequel trilogy's strengths—the Clone Troopers and their Jedi leaders—and crafting a series around it. (The early 2000s’ miniseries Star Wars: The Clone Wars followed a similar approach and was equally impressive.) Star Wars: Ewoks, on the other hand, took the most whimsical element of the original trilogy—the Ewoks—and centered a show around them. As someone who never bought into the 'teddy bears defeating the Empire' plot in Return of the Jedi (even as a child), this series is cringe-worthy for Star Wars enthusiasts like me. Its counterpart, Star Wars: Droids, was far more tolerable in comparison.
8. The Dukes
The Dukes of Hazzard was once a beloved, albeit silly, TV show. It featured thrilling car chases, Daisy Duke’s charm, Uncle Jesse’s wisdom, Boss Hogg’s schemes, Enos’ lovestruck demeanor, moral lessons, and frequent guest stars. Let’s be honest—it was mostly about the car chases and Daisy Duke. So, how do you capitalize on this over-the-top live-action hit? Turn it into an actual cartoon. Not with Bo and Luke, but with their cousins, Coy and Vance, who stepped in when the original duo left Hazard County due to contract issues… or to pursue NASCAR. The only saving grace of this adaptation was that the original cast provided the voices. When Bo and Luke returned to the live-action show, they also made their way back into the cartoon.
7. Adventures of the Gummi Bears
It seems that humans, driven by greed, sought the magical secrets and advanced technology of the Gummi Bears, hunting them down and consuming them in large, fruity quantities. The surviving members of this once-great, flavorful society retreated to a magical castle, dedicating themselves to battling evil. Legend has it that Michael Eisner conceived the idea for this show while watching his son snack on Gummi Bears.
6. Mr. T
I pity the fool who hasn’t encountered this uninspired cartoon. (Couldn’t help myself.) As the repetitive theme song declares, the show revolves around Mr. T—sort of. T serves as the bodyguard and father figure to a group of gymnasts who travel from place to place, using their extraordinary skills to defeat villains and learn a valuable lesson each episode. And yes, I adored it as a child.
5. Super Mario Bros. Super Show
A popular video game was transformed into a lackluster cartoon and an even more disappointing movie. The Super Mario Bros. made their way to Saturday morning TV in 1989. Surprisingly, celebrities like Vanna White, Magic Johnson, and Sgt. Slaughter made live-action appearances alongside Mario and Luigi. Interestingly, the show’s poorly executed rap theme sounds more amusing than tragic when heard in German. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qp1Lbmutry0
4. Rambo and the Forces of Freedom
Here’s a brilliant idea for a kids’ show: feature a psychologically scarred Vietnam veteran who’s a one-man army, capable of taking down hundreds of enemies single-handedly. We’ll include tons of explosions, bad guys being shot, dismembered, or sliced open. The body count will be epic! Too intense? Fine, let’s tone it down and create a Rambo cartoon as a cheap imitation of GI Joe, where no one ever gets hurt. There will still be explosions and Rambo’s massive knife, but it’ll never draw blood. Oh, and the main villain’s name is so secretive that it literally includes the word “secret”: S.A.V.A.G.E., which stands for Secret Administrators of Vengeance, Anarchy and Global Extortion. It’s the kind of name that would get you mocked in Evil Villain School.
3. Rubix the Amazing Cube
Here’s a genius idea for a cartoon: base a show on a wildly popular cube puzzle that most people could only solve by dismantling it. But in this show, the cube has magical powers! With all due respect to the creators, this has to be the most absurd concept for a children’s cartoon ever. Even the theme song was performed by the infamous ’80s boy band Menudo, which launched Ricky Martin’s career. I can’t add much more—just watch the intro clip.
Notable extras: She-Ra: Princess of Power, a 30-minute ad for a toy line derived from a successful cartoon about another toy line; Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘n’ Wrestling, a cartoon based on a theatrical “sport”; Police Academy; The Garbage Pail Kids (which lasted only a few episodes and never aired in the U.S.); and My Little Pony, a marketing ploy as blatant as He-Man.
2. Gilligan’s Planet
Remember how the Professor could craft a radio from a coconut but couldn’t fix a simple boat? Turns out, he could also build a spaceship, transporting the clueless seven from the island to a distant planet. The original cast returned (except Tina Louise, who considered herself too important for such a role). As usual, the castaways encounter bizarre and fascinating characters each week—yet still can’t escape the planet, because the Professor’s spaceship repair skills are as poor as his boat repair skills. Yes, it’s that absurd. And the theme song? Even worse.
1. The Fonz and the Happy Days Gang
Can you believe it, man? Owww! Narrated by the legendary (“legendary?” Hmm) Wolfman Jack, The Fonz, his dog “Mr. Kool” (yes, really), and a “future girl” named Cupcake are sent through time in a time machine. Assisted by Ralph Malph and Richie (Potsie wisely avoided this mess), they try to return to 1957. Ugh. Remember when Fonzie jumped the shark on Happy Days? This is far worse.
