Buzz
Martial Arts films can be breathtakingly artistic and packed with adrenaline-pumping action. However, some dive headfirst into the bizarre. While cultural differences or lost-in-translation humor can explain part of the strangeness, other moments are simply unexplainable. If you have a taste for the wonderfully weird, here are ten films you won’t want to miss.
10. Swordsman With an Umbrella
A staple of bargain-bin Kung Fu movie collections, “Swordsman with an Umbrella” delivers exactly what it promises—a vengeful swordsman wielding a Japanese-style umbrella. While that alone isn’t too strange, things take a turn when he starts soaring through the air like Mary Poppins or hurling his umbrella like a deadly Frisbee, complete with wacky cartoon sound effects. What makes it even more surreal? This film isn’t a comedy—at least, not intentionally.
9. Deadful Melody
Starring Jackie Chan collaborator Yuen Biao and “Bride with White Hair” icon Bridgette Lin, “Deadful Melody” spins the eerie tale of a haunted Lyre—a harp-like instrument that can kill when its strings are played in the right sequence. In a memorable final showdown, Bridgette Lin’s character wields the Lyre to decimate an entire army, turning them into nothing but empty clothing as bizarre “magic bullets” are shot from the instrument, all while serene music plays over the screams of the fallen.
8. They Call Me Phat Dragon
Also known as “The Invincible Kung Fu Master,” this film features Sammo Hung (star of TV’s “Martial Law”) in his breakout role as a chubby martial arts master who trains his students using “food-based” exercises. One unforgettable scene shows the famished hero attempting to cross a slippery tile floor to reach his lunch before his master finishes it. Talk about effective training! Don’t miss the Wu-Tang Clan’s remastered DVD, which includes trailers and the original music video.
7. Duel to the Death
A true classic in martial arts cinema, “Duel to the Death” also ranks as one of the strangest. The film follows a Japanese and a Chinese sword master locked in a duel to determine who reigns supreme, all while a group of ninjas tries to sabotage the fight with bizarre antics—like combining into a Voltron-style giant ninja or turning into a naked woman to distract a chaste monk. The movie’s over-the-top gore takes a hilarious turn in the final battle when the villain’s head is severed, flies toward the hero, gets impaled on a stick, delivers a line (“YOU WILL DIIIIIIEEEEE”—if memory serves), and then explodes!
6. Filthy Guy
Also known as “Return of the Secret Rivals” and “Emperor of the Filthy Guy,” this bizarre Sammo Hung film chronicles the rise of one of the first emperors of the Chin Dynasty, who, for reasons unknown, was plagued by severe scalp problems. If that’s not strange enough, the hero uses his infected, slimy scalp as a weapon—forcing enemies to smell it, blocking sword strikes with it, and even breaking through walls with it (his scalp disease seems to make his head impervious to harm). One unforgettable moment shows our hero waking up an entire monastery by ringing a two-ton temple bell with his head, just to scratch an itch.
5. God of Cookery
Before Steven Chow became famous worldwide with Shaolin Soccer and Kung Fu Hustle, he made this quirky gem. In this film, Chow plays a washed-up celebrity chef who enters an epic cooking competition where kitchen utensils double as weapons, people mysteriously transform into bulldogs, and it’s revealed that Chow was banished from heaven for revealing God’s culinary secrets to humanity. Don’t miss Chow’s fiery dumpling attack!
4. Ninja Hunter
My brother unearthed this hidden gem in the clearance bin at a Family Dollar in Orville, Ohio, and I’d say it’s worth every penny of his 99 cents. The film is so packed with action that it’s hard to keep track of the convoluted plot, but each fight scene is an absurd masterpiece in its own right. You’ll witness ninjas drenched in acid to attack the heroes, a ninja armed with steak knives, and even one who transforms into what seems like a flying picnic blanket to fight. There’s also a man who gains power by absorbing women during their intimate moments, and a ninja who looks suspiciously like Adolf Hitler... but with cat ears.
3. Fantasy Mission Force
Also known as “Dragon Attack.” Starring Jackie Chan, Brigitte Lin, TV’s Adam Cheng, and Jimmy Wang Yu (the one-armed swordsman), this film boasts a star-studded cast, though I’m sure many of them would prefer to forget they were ever involved. Watching this bizarre movie, you’ll be left wondering what on Earth the filmmakers were thinking. The plot feels like a twisted remake of The Dirty Dozen, where a general recruits a motley crew—including a hobo, an escape artist, and a biker chick with a bazooka—to rescue military commanders from Nazis. The “Nazis” in question turn out to be road warrior-types clad in bandages, riding Dodge Chargers adorned with swastikas. This description doesn’t do justice to the sheer absurdity of the film; it must be seen to be believed. You’ll be so overwhelmed by the ridiculousness that you’ll find yourself laughing uncontrollably.
Honorable Mentions: Kung Fu Zombie, Shaolin Vs Evil Dead, Chinese Hercules, and The Duel
2. Legend of Red Dragon
Also known as “The New Legends of Shaolin,” this Jet Li film is a loose remake of the Japanese series “Lone Wolf and Cub,” where Jet Li battles bad guys while dragging his son along. It’s one of the finest of his early works, and packed with its own brand of weirdness. You’ll witness two dart-throwing masters throwing spit at each other, Jet Li wielding a magical spear with absurd super moves like the “Wonder Screw,” and a group of five-year-old martial arts prodigies taking on a sword-wielding eunuch. Still not bizarre enough? The guy Jet Li burns alive at the beginning makes a return as a charred zombie who—no joke—transforms into a car. Dragon Dynasty has an excellent version of the film, but for pure madness, check out the older release with hilariously bad subtitles, like “I’m gonna eat that chicken’s ass!”
1. Five Venoms Vs. Wu Tang
Perfect for Halloween, this Chinese Zombie film features the classic “hopping” zombies from Chinese folklore, and the magicians tasked with sending them back to the grave. The opening scene sets the tone when an amateur magician uses handwritten spells to control a group of zombies and forces them into a calypso dance. As the film progresses, children fight to protect a “baby zombie” and return it to its zombie parents, and two magicians engage in a magical duel, sending zombie hordes against each other while throwing enchanted frogs and butterflies from their swords.
