I'm Caleb Hearon, a comedian, and here's a glimpse into my eating habits

What was it like eating while traveling across the country during the pandemic?

Not great. The best meal we had was on a day trip from Colorado to Utah. We stayed at a lovely Airbnb, so we researched some places to check out before arriving. As soon as we hit this town in Utah, we headed to a steakhouse where we grabbed steak and pasta, took it back to the Airbnb, and enjoyed it on the deck. It was a memorable moment.

The unsettling part was in Utah—at least in the area we were in—the place was packed. The patio and dining room were both crowded, and no one seemed to be wearing masks. It felt like business as usual. My mom asked, 'Do you want to eat here?' and I replied, 'No way.' She agreed, and I was relieved we were on the same page. There was no way I was staying in that place.

Have you been cooking more at home lately, or have you been ordering out more?

I've been cooking more, but that was pretty easy to do. Before the pandemic, I was performing multiple shows a week, sometimes more than one a night. I'd grab a granola bar on my way out the door in the morning and then head to my day job. Sometimes I'd bring groceries to work and cook there, but a lot of times I'd eat out because it was social. I’d go out after shows since I didn’t have time to go home. But during the start of quarantine, I definitely cooked more, and as things went on, I started ordering from all my favorite spots in Chicago that I knew I’d miss. Things have changed now, though. I’m not out late doing shows, and I’m getting up earlier, eating a proper breakfast, and taking my time. One thing I’ve been really into—are you a Costco fan?

I’m a huge Costco fan.

I absolutely love it. They have these packages with three different types of salmon. One section is dill, another is cracked pepper, and the last is just plain salmon, all sliced up. I get that along with a really hearty wholegrain bread that has seeds in it—the kind that’s really chunky. I toast the bread, spread a bit of cream cheese on each slice, add some of the salmon, throw on capers, and enjoy it as breakfast toast. With some iced coffee, of course. I always keep iced coffee in the fridge, and there's a vanilla-flavored Silk almond creamer that’s so good. I love making a little iced coffee setup with it.

I usually skip lunch because I have a big breakfast. By two or three in the afternoon, I’ll realize, 'Oh, I should eat something.' That’s when I’ll have a salad or some ramen. I take a bag of ramen and add curry powder, soy sauce, and sriracha to make it really flavorful. I’m also a huge fan of peanut sauce. I’ll put it on any kind of Asian noodle. And if I order Thai noodles—like phat kee mao or something—I always ask for a side of peanut sauce, especially if it’s a new place. I figure, if the noodles aren’t great, at least the peanut sauce will save the day.

A big change in my life is that my roommate, who I moved to L.A. with, is a vegetarian. So, I’ve been having a lot more plant-based meals. At Costco, I’ve swapped meat pot stickers for veggie ones, although I did eventually go back for the meat ones because I missed them. Sometimes she’ll make a veggie stir fry, and I’ll eat that for dinner because it’s what she made.

It feels like a bit of an excuse for me to say, “I was too busy to eat healthy before.” The truth is, you can always make time. But I feel less stressed now because I’m not constantly running around. I think, “Hey, I’d like to have a nice meal.” It just feels more normal, like something I might have enjoyed before everything changed. The reason I’m eating healthier during this time is probably because I haven’t had a moment in the last few months where I’m not thinking about my health. A part of me still thinks, “If you get COVID and you’ve been eating vegetables, you’ll be better off.” It’s totally not realistic! But I can’t help but think, “If you’re eating vegetables, you won’t get it.”

In a couple of your videos, you highlight awkward restaurant situations. My favorite is the one where you're taking someone to a place they didn't want to go. Is that you?

That video was actually inspired by—she’s going to be so mad at me for this—my best friend, Katie. A bunch of us went to St. Louis because two friends from college were getting married. We stayed at Katie’s place since her family lives there. The build-up was huge! She said, 'I’m taking you guys to the best, most authentic Mexican restaurant you’ll ever go to in your life. It’s a family tradition. We don’t see each other without going there. The people who work there are basically family.' We were like, 'Alright, we’ll go.' No one even suggested doing anything else, because Katie would have died if we didn’t go.

We went to this place, and I want to be fair—it was, hands down, the ugliest restaurant I’ve ever seen. I thought, 'Well, sometimes those rough-looking spots are hidden gems.' We walked in, and no one greeted us. We eventually sat ourselves in the back. It was dingy, with flickering lights. They brought us water, and each cup had a single melted ice cube. The whole experience was a mess. Two of our friends are vegetarians, and they ordered veggie tacos. What they got were two hard-shell tacos filled with what seemed like frozen, half-cooked vegetables—just cauliflower in a taco shell. It was honestly the worst meal I’ve ever had. We couldn’t stop laughing. And, of course, our friend Katie—she’s on defense the whole time, saying, 'It’s a little strange! Maybe they have new owners!' We’ve never let her live it down. She probably grew up with her family loving the place, and maybe we just came on a bad day, you know?

Another video I love is the one where you’re on a date and having a great time with the server. Do you always enjoy your interactions with the server?

I do have fun with the server. I once went on a date with a guy who—spoiler alert—wasn’t as charming as I thought. We had this super fun, super cute server who was around my mom’s age and had been working there forever. She was so on top of things and knew the menu like the back of her hand. We were joking around and really enjoying ourselves. I love when someone at work is having a good time, especially when their job can be such a grind. But my date—the first one, no less—was just like, 'Yeah, Diet Coke. Thanks.' Then he rolled his eyes when she left, like it was such a hassle to interact with someone who was just having fun at work.

And I thought, 'This is never going to work.' Maybe it’s just me being overly sensitive, but it felt really classist to act like 'Ugh, now I have to talk to the help.' Seriously, did it really bother you to smile at the waiter? What is wrong with you?

Are you enjoying the food scene in L.A.?

Not really yet. We did order from a Thai spot when we first got here. It was in Burbank and pretty decent. It was one of the few places open after curfew, which I think might be illegal, but they did what they had to do. All I really know about Burbank is that the planes fly way too close to the streets, and no one is talking about it. But I did find this cheap chicken wing place in my neighborhood. It’s not high quality, but it gets the job done for now.

When I was in L.A. for shows back in January, I had this urge to just drive up the coast with no plans—no work, no meetings, nothing. So, I rented a car and cruised along the Pacific Coast Highway, stopping at little spots, soaking in the views, walking around, and heading up into the mountains, all while listening to music. Along the way, we stumbled upon this place right by the coast called Neptune’s Net. It was all outdoors, with everyone sitting at picnic tables, and there were tons of bikers there—maybe it's a regular biker hangout. A surfing spot was just across the highway, so people kept bringing their boards over. It was honestly the cutest thing. I think I had crab cakes or some incredible seafood. That was my last food experience in L.A. before I actually moved here.

Yeah! That’s at Asian Cajun in Chicago. It’s my go-to seafood boil spot. They do the whole boil thing, and I always get the everything sauce—basically all their flavors—and I usually go for shrimp, sausage, and corn.

There’s a popular seafood boil spot in Chicago called Low Country. It’s fine, but always packed. It attracts a very specific crowd, and it's pricey. Then there's the place in my profile picture—Asian Cajun. It’s a bit further out but still in the same area, cheaper, family-owned, with a much cooler vibe and a diverse crowd. The space is way quirkier too. I love finding a place that feels like 'mine.' It's a lot of fun to live in a place long enough to confidently tell someone, 'This is where we should go, and here’s where we shouldn’t.'

I’ve been thinking about how things will look after COVID. A lot of people will lose those special spots they love. Not to bring the mood down too much, but it’s a real thought.

No! That’s totally valid. My mom and stepdad were really concerned about their favorite local spot—a small corner restaurant where everyone knows the owner, and it’s where the community gathers. It’s not just about the food. It’s the place people go after work, or to celebrate or mourn life events. Luckily, they’re okay now and have reopened, but I know others will lose those community hubs. It really sucks.

Do you have any strong opinions about a particular food?

I have strong opinions about chicken wings. Jumbo wings? Not a fan. People often say, 'The bigger, the better!' But when they’re that big, the sauce barely covers them. It messes up the sauce-to-chicken ratio. I prefer smaller wings. Sure, some people complain about them being too small, but hey, just order more if you need them.

Have you tried cooking chicken wings in quarantine?

I’ve got a chicken wing recipe and process I really like, but I haven’t made wings during quarantine. Not really for any particular reason, I guess. I’ve just been a little wary of meat after hearing things about meatpacking plants during COVID. I trust people to be careful, but there’s always that little voice in the back of my mind saying, 'Maybe I’ll just skip it for now.'

When I make wings, I use a brown sugar and honey buffalo sauce. For other sauces, I follow the same basic formula. I love to make a honey-soy-sriracha sauce when I cook shrimp or salmon. I enjoy mixing honey with hot sauce for a sweet and spicy kick. If I’m not using honey, I’ll use molasses. It adds thickness and depth, and if you cook it long enough, it gets sticky and starts to caramelize.

I’m very picky about ranch dressing, and I make my own. My mom worked at a bar while putting herself through college. It was the one bar in our town that had amazing chicken wings, and she started making the ranch there. It’s not anything special or gourmet. I’m not a chef, but I use the Hidden Valley Ranch packet. Instead of mixing it the usual way—just the sour cream and packet—I add a little salt, a pinch of garlic powder, and about 3/4 cup of mayonnaise, which makes it thicker and tastier. If I’m going to a place where I want ranch with my meal, I make sure to have the ingredients to make my own. So many places serve watery, bad ranch, and it drives me crazy! I hate it! A lot of people say this is a very Midwestern thing, but I think ranch and pizza is one of the best combos ever.

I love ranch with pizza too, and it always seems to shock people from places with 'pizza identities.' But there’s something liberating about breaking free from pizza rules and exploring new flavor combinations.

Being from the Midwest—though I think this might not just be about the Midwest, maybe it’s more about growing up with little—my favorite childhood dishes were things like tater tot casserole, which is ground beef, tater tots, and cream of mushroom, or Beanie Weenies, which is pork and beans, cut-up hot dogs, and brown sugar. Honestly, both are kind of horrendous, but they were what we ate.

Have you ever had those little cocktail sausages with grape jelly and Heinz sauce?

Yes. You absolutely MUST. And here’s a big cooking secret—whenever I make chili, I always add grape jelly to it. It’s a must, you can’t skip it. I love to make any chili recipe using Heinz chili sauce, swapping turkey for beef, and then adding a cup and a half (or two) of grape jelly. It’s unbelievably good.

Have you ever heard of a pear salad? It’s half of a canned pear with a dollop of mayonnaise and a sprinkle of shredded cheddar cheese on top.

Oh, dear lord.

I thought it was cottage cheese, but it was mayonnaise. I love mayonnaise, but unexpected mayo is not my favorite.

It’s like when you drive through somewhere and you always order a Dr. Pepper, but then you either say the wrong thing or they give you the wrong drink. You take a big sip thinking it’s your usual, and then it turns out to be unsweet tea. Your body completely freaks out. It’s like ‘What is happening? I’m being poisoned!’ But no, you’re not. Your brain just tricked you into thinking it was something else. It’s a real, physical reaction that throws me off for a good few minutes. I’m just like, ‘I have no idea what’s going on.’