Buzz
Being with someone who consistently pulls away can be both frustrating and lonely. You might start doubting yourself, feeling like you're failing, or believe that you need to try harder to gain their love. However, their behavior may not be about you at all. If your partner has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, this pattern is likely rooted in their childhood experiences. Fortunately, you can support them in feeling safer and more secure, gradually building emotional closeness in your relationship.
Steps
Work on understanding your partner’s emotional landscape.
Realize that avoidant behavior often comes across as emotional detachment. Those with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to feel that no one will truly be there for them, often due to a lack of nurturing during childhood. To defend themselves, they learned to retreat emotionally and carry this protective stance into their adult relationships.
- Even though they may want to be in a relationship, they struggle with showing vulnerability or needing emotional closeness. In fact, they may even feel disdain for others who openly express their desire for connection.
- Your partner might go for long periods without reaching out, either by text or phone. Expressing emotions can also be difficult for them. In some cases, they may project their fear of being let down onto you, becoming critical when they feel disappointed or hurt.
Recognize your own emotions.
Practice self-compassion. Being in a relationship with a dismissive-avoidant partner can leave you feeling isolated and as if you're not a priority to them. It's important to acknowledge your feelings and accept them, rather than suppress them. Sometimes, simply naming how you feel can help you regain a sense of control and offer clarity on what you truly need from your partner.
- You might also feel frustrated when your needs aren't being met in the relationship, and confused about what your partner truly desires—especially when they initially seem warm and affectionate, only to withdraw as you get closer.
Give your partner some breathing room.
Avoid pursuing them when they retreat. A dismissive-avoidant person may require significant alone time, or may distance themselves out of fear of emotional pain. Offering them the space they need to process their feelings will help them feel safer with you, and, ironically, may bring them closer to you in the long run.
- Even physical closeness can make a dismissive-avoidant individual uneasy. Try not to take their need for space personally—they may simply be uncertain about how to handle intimacy.
Prioritize your own well-being.
Make time for activities that bring you joy. Avoid relying too heavily on your partner to fill your entire schedule—this can make them feel burdened by your dependence. Instead, cultivate your own hobbies, friendships, and personal interests. This way, if your partner needs some alone time, you won't be left feeling bored or waiting for their attention.
- When you become more self-sufficient, it lightens the emotional load on your partner, allowing them to feel less pressured to fulfill all your emotional needs. Paradoxically, this can make an avoidant person more drawn to you.
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Take the QuizSee Additional QuizzesExpress your wants and needs openly.
Set clear boundaries if something isn't working for you. Speak calmly to your partner and express what you need from them. Instead of just pointing out what they're not doing, take the initiative to share exactly what you'd like to see. Use specific examples to avoid confusion.
- For instance, if you're feeling left in the dark because your partner goes for days without contact, tell them that you’d really appreciate a call or text at least once a day.
- If you're upset, give yourself time to cool down before discussing the issue. Your dismissive-avoidant partner may find it especially difficult to communicate if you're expressing intense emotions.
- Be ready to meet halfway—your partner won’t respond well if they sense you're trying to control them.
Be a source of support for your partner.
Be an empathetic listener, not a fixer. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style often feel isolated and have difficulty opening up. When they do share something with you, offer a listening ear without feeling the need to solve their problems right away. If they want your advice, they'll ask for it.
- This approach works well with anyone, but it’s especially important for building trust with your dismissive-avoidant partner. While it might seem like they don’t need anyone, they do want love and acceptance.
- Also, refrain from criticizing your partner—support their decisions instead.
Demonstrate to your partner that they can rely on you.
Commit to building trust gradually. Often, avoidant individuals have a deep-seated fear of being let down, stemming from past disappointments. This fear makes it hard for them to trust others, and it may take considerable time to build that trust. Be patient and show them that you're trustworthy by keeping your word and following through on your commitments.
- Start small—be punctual for dates, or pick up the dry cleaning as promised. Over time, these small actions will help your partner realize that they can trust you with more significant matters.
Embrace your partner for who they are.
Don’t try to change them. While it’s perfectly fine to ask for what you need, remember that your partner’s history has shaped their present behavior. They might need more space than most people, even as they grow more comfortable with intimacy.
- If you require constant affection and closeness, an avoidant partner might not be the best match for you.
- However, if you can build a trusting relationship, your partner will likely become more open to emotional closeness as time passes. Be patient and let them adjust at their own pace.
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Start the QuizExplore More QuizzesStrengthen your bond by sharing activities.
Engage in physical activities you can enjoy together. Sometimes, emotions can become overwhelming for someone with an avoidant attachment style. As a result, they may feel uneasy with overly intimate or intense experiences like romantic dinners, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Instead, consider activities that engage both the body and the mind. This helps create a relaxed atmosphere, allowing them to feel more comfortable and connected with you.
- Activities such as hiking, biking, painting, playing games, or building something together are great options.
Express appreciation when your partner does something you enjoy.
Emphasize the positive instead of the negative. When your partner does something that makes you feel appreciated, let them know! You don't need to make a big fuss, but by acknowledging the good moments, you'll encourage them to continue these actions in the future.
- For example, you could say, "I really appreciate that you rearranged your schedule so we could have dinner together. Thank you!"
- It's important not to criticize right after offering praise. If you mix criticism with positive feedback, it can backfire and make them less likely to repeat the desired behavior.
Consider couple's therapy if you need additional support.
Seek guidance from a therapist to discover more coping techniques. Understanding both your and your partner’s attachment styles can provide valuable insight into your relationship. A couple’s counselor can help you improve communication and ensure that both of you feel loved, respected, and valued.
- A therapist can also assist you in establishing healthy boundaries that are mutually acceptable.
- Couple’s counseling isn’t only for relationships in trouble—it’s a fantastic tool for deepening your connection at any stage. It's particularly beneficial to work with a therapist who specializes in attachment therapy.
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My partner and I have started to take our relationship more seriously, and things have been going great. Recently, my partner’s therapist informed them that they have an avoidant attachment style, and they asked me if I had noticed any of the traits. Honestly, this was the first time I’ve heard of it, so I’m not sure. Is it something good or bad? What should I be aware of in our relationship?
People with an avoidant attachment style tend to be highly independent, may feel uneasy with emotional closeness, and often struggle to communicate their feelings or be vulnerable.
To best support your partner, show empathy, give them space when necessary, and encourage them to open up by being vulnerable yourself. When they do share their feelings, validate their emotions.
It’s also important to take care of your own needs. Consider exploring your own attachment style as well. If you’re unsure what it is, try taking our Attachment Style Quiz.
To best support your partner, show empathy, give them space when necessary, and encourage them to open up by being vulnerable yourself. When they do share their feelings, validate their emotions.
It’s also important to take care of your own needs. Consider exploring your own attachment style as well. If you’re unsure what it is, try taking our Attachment Style Quiz.
Leslie Bosch, PhD
Developmental Psychologist
Developmental Psychologist
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to downplay their own emotions as well as those of others. As a result, they often have difficulty tuning into emotional experiences. Much of this behavior stems from their upbringing, not as a conscious choice but rather from the emotional patterns they observed in their parents. It is something they internalized as the right way to approach emotions.
For those with a fearful avoidant attachment style, common thoughts may include: "I'm incapable," "Others can't be relied on," and "The world is dangerous." This can make it hard for them to know where to turn when they need support.
For those with a fearful avoidant attachment style, common thoughts may include: "I'm incapable," "Others can't be relied on," and "The world is dangerous." This can make it hard for them to know where to turn when they need support.
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