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Find out how to identify a narcissist before agreeing to a second date
Going out on a date with someone you don’t know can feel like walking a tightrope—you want to enjoy yourself, but you also don’t want to fall into the trap of getting involved with someone who might seem charming at first but has hidden manipulative tendencies (i.e., a narcissist). While narcissistic traits can look different in everyone, there are common warning signs you can look out for. We’ve put together 11 clear ways to spot a potential narcissist on your date so you can make a well-informed decision about your future together.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed professional clinical counselor, Jay Reid, LPCC. Read the full interview here.
Guidelines
They control every aspect of the date.
Someone with narcissistic traits is always trying to take charge. Before the date even starts, they’ve already planned the time, location, and every small detail. While some people just like to plan ahead, it becomes concerning when the need for control goes to an extreme.
- A thorough planner may arrange things beforehand but is flexible and willing to adjust based on your preferences. A narcissistic individual, on the other hand, struggles to let go of control.
- This person might even choose your meal and drink for you, and give specific instructions to the staff about how to prepare your food.
They’re excessively overdressed.
Your potential partner may take their outfit choices to an extreme. While it’s perfectly fine to dress nicely for a first date, someone with narcissistic traits will often elevate their attire to a whole new level. For instance, while you might wear a chic but casual outfit, your date may show up in a full suit, gown, or something equally formal. These individuals take the concept of ‘dress to impress’ to a whole new extreme.
- In the end, someone with narcissistic traits wants to make a lasting first impression with their outfit.
- They also enjoy feeling superior to others, which explains their need to overdress.
- It’s important to note that this behavior may stem from the deep insecurities that fuel their narcissistic nature.
- Although it might appear they’re showing off, it’s actually a cover for their feelings of inferiority and insecurity.
They insist on having the best of everything.
Your date might never be satisfied with anything less than perfect. Known for their strong sense of entitlement, people with narcissistic tendencies often expect only the best—whether it’s the prime table, the best seat, or top-tier service. Pay attention to their behavior when you arrive at a venue; they might:
- Demand a new table at the restaurant
- Be overly particular about where they sit in the movie theater
- Complain if they don’t get the ideal parking spot
They treat the service staff poorly.
A hallmark of narcissism is the belief that others are ‘beneath’ them. This attitude typically stems from a deep sense of inferiority that the narcissistic individual feels. That doesn’t justify the behavior, though, and you might find yourself in an uncomfortable situation when they display arrogance, like belittling a waiter or leaving a meager tip at the end of the date. You may notice they:
- Complain about how their food is prepared
- Question the wait staff about delays in food service
- Respond curtly and rudely whenever making a request to the staff
MyTour Quiz: Am I In a Relationship with a Narcissist?
While only a licensed mental health professional can diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder, there are several warning signs you can watch out for. Take this quiz to see how your relationship stacks up.
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How did they behave when you first began dating?
Their chemistry and charm are simply irresistible.
If they appear flawless, they might just be too good to be true. Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often excel at manipulating the people around them, making it easy for them to make you feel special and admired. Your date may even play the perfect gentleman or lady, opening doors and taking your jacket as you arrive. You might also see them:
- Shower you with compliments
- Make playful, flirty remarks
- Tell you how unique you are
- Just to clarify—there’s nothing wrong with being friendly and flirtatious on a date. However, someone with narcissistic traits will often take charm and flirtation to an exaggerated level.
They overwhelm you with affection during the date.
People with NPD often inundate their dates with excessive love and romantic gestures. These individuals tend to accelerate the relationship, rushing to make it feel intense and meaningful right away. They might say things like:
- “We could be soulmates.”
- “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
- “I see a future with you, forever.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 237 Mytour readers about their best defense against love bombing, and 54% said recognizing it and establishing healthy boundaries. [Take Poll] So, take your time and create clear boundaries.
They dominate the conversation.
Individuals with narcissistic tendencies love to focus the conversation on themselves. You might get a chance to share a few things about your life before your date dives into a series of stories all about them. By the end of the evening, you'll likely know a great deal about your date, but they'll hardly know anything about you.
- As a general guideline, both people should talk for about 20-30 seconds before giving the other person an opportunity to speak.
- While some exceptions exist, it’s a clear warning sign if your date continuously monopolizes the conversation without allowing you to contribute.
They constantly seek validation from others.
Your date may always crave affirmation and admiration. Deep down, those with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) struggle with profound insecurity and low self-worth. These feelings often manifest as an insatiable need for compliments and acknowledgment. Rather than directly asking for compliments, they may subtly hint at it, saying things like:
- “I can’t believe I threw this outfit together in just 10 minutes.”
- “I’m not sure I’m pulling off this look.”
- By making these remarks, they’re hoping you'll respond with something like, “No, you look amazing!” or “No, you totally rock that outfit!”
They regularly boast about their accomplishments.
Someone with narcissistic traits requires constant admiration. Bragging is their way of getting the attention and praise they desperately seek, even when on a date. They feed off of your reactions and will do whatever it takes to keep that positive feedback coming, including exaggerating or fabricating their achievements. They may boast about:
- Their home
- The school they attended or currently attend
- Their income
- Famous people they know personally
They tend to complain constantly.
For this person, complaints are a tool to keep themselves the center of attention. Your date might gripe about small inconveniences like how cold their food is or how loud the music in the restaurant happens to be. Complaining becomes a subtle, passive-aggressive way to turn the conversation back to their discomfort and needs. They could say things like:
- “I can’t believe we’ve already waited for 10 minutes!”
- “This movie ticket line is ridiculously long.”
- “It’s been 5 minutes and the waiter still hasn’t come by.”
- Someone with narcissistic traits may have difficulty with empathy and may not be able to understand others' viewpoints.
They don’t have a solid history with relationships.
People who display toxic behavior often struggle to commit to long-term partnerships. Pay attention to how your date discusses their past relationships or what they hope to find in a new one. Typically, their relationships go through multiple phases: idealization where everything seems perfect, devaluation where they may treat their partner poorly, and finally, discarding when they end things abruptly. If you're dating someone showing narcissistic traits, they likely don’t have a successful history of maintaining long-term relationships.
- Many relationships involving narcissistic individuals follow this cycle. In some cases, they might return to the “idealization” phase to reel their partner back in.
- Remember, just ending a short relationship doesn’t mean someone has narcissistic tendencies, and labeling someone a narcissist should only be done after professional diagnosis.
- There are many reasons relationships fail, but the key is recognizing patterns of harmful behavior.
Warning Signs
- Over time, many individuals with narcissistic traits may exhibit harmful behaviors in a relationship. It can be challenging to spot all the red flags right away.
- Keep in mind that only a licensed mental health professional is qualified to diagnose narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Just because someone shows signs of NPD doesn’t automatically mean they are a narcissist.
- Having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or demonstrating certain narcissistic traits doesn’t necessarily mean someone will be a poor partner. Many people with NPD take steps to manage their condition and build long-lasting, healthy relationships.
