Buzz
As you're browsing through a dating app, you come across a man who seems like your ideal match. There's just one thing—he's divorced. But don’t let that deter you. As you get older, encountering divorced men becomes more common in the dating world. In the US, for example, nearly 45% of people who have ever married have been divorced, with the average marriage lasting around 9 years. Dating a divorced man has its similarities to dating anyone else, though there are a few things to keep in mind. That’s why we at Mytour have compiled some helpful tips to improve your experience when dating men over 40 who are divorced.
Steps to Follow
Inquire about the length of time since his divorce.
If his divorce was recent, he may still be processing the emotions. Even if the separation was amicable, divorce can still be an emotionally draining process that takes time to recover from. If he jumps back into the dating world immediately, there’s a chance he may not be fully emotionally available for a new relationship.
- Asking when his divorce happened is a simple question, but let him decide how much detail to share. While you may be curious, it’s important to respect his boundaries. He’ll open up when he’s ready.
- The amount of time needed to emotionally process a divorce often depends on its complexity and how long the marriage lasted. Generally, if the divorce occurred less than a year ago, emotional baggage is more likely to resurface.
- He should be upfront about his divorce details when he feels comfortable.
Be patient if he's not used to dating.
It may take him a while to adjust to the dating world again. The dating landscape has evolved significantly over the last 10 to 15 years—and it could have been that long since he was last in the dating scene. On top of that, his previous dating experience might have been during his college years, when meeting people and planning dates was simpler.
- If you’ve been dating for a while, be prepared to offer a few tips—he’ll appreciate them. He may also be a bit out of touch with current dating trends and might not have many creative ideas for dates right away.
- It's also possible that, aside from his ex-partner, he hasn't been romantically involved with anyone else for as long as they were together. This new dating experience might feel unfamiliar or even strange to him, and that's perfectly normal! Just offer reassurance that he’ll adjust in time.
Let your true self shine through.
In his 40s, he’s far more focused on your character. Men in their 40s typically seek out a life partner, someone they can share their future with. Let him see who you are, what you love to do, and what matters to you. Show him the kind of person you are, someone he would want to spend his time with and share life’s adventures.
- For instance, if you're involved in volunteer work, such as helping out at a community center or animal shelter, that would likely leave a positive impression on him.
- Having a strong reputation in both your community and at work will also resonate with him. It shows him you’re someone he can rely on and trust.
Be clear and honest about who you are and what you're seeking.
Divorced men in their 40s are usually no longer interested in playing games. From the start, be open about what you’re looking for in a relationship—there’s no need to mislead him or waste each other’s time. If you're not looking for something serious, let him know right away.
- He might not be ready for a serious relationship either, and that’s perfectly okay. However, if he's looking for commitment and you’re not, he may not want to pursue things further.
- Don’t assume that because he’s been divorced, he’s no longer interested in commitment. Many divorced men would love to find the right person and try marriage again. Even if he’s not seeking marriage right now, the fact that he was married for a significant time shows he values commitment.
Encourage him to maintain a positive relationship with his ex.
A healthy relationship with his ex demonstrates emotional maturity. He and his ex were integral parts of each other's lives for many years. If they've managed to remain amicable after the divorce, it shows they both take responsibility for the marriage's end and are committed to avoiding further conflict.
- If they have children, fostering a positive relationship is even more crucial. As your relationship progresses, you may find yourself interacting with them. While becoming best friends isn’t necessary, keeping things polite and respectful is important.
- Feelings of jealousy or insecurity may arise, especially in the beginning when you're uncertain about his feelings for you. However, remember that his ex is a chapter in his past, while you are a part of his future.
Understand that he has many obligations.
A man in his 40s is likely to have a stable career and possibly children. He has a lot to manage in his life, which often means limited availability to spend with you. He might not always be able to partake in spontaneous activities, which can be so fun early in a relationship.
- Be understanding in these situations. For instance, he might need to cancel a date because of a work project that’s running late. While this won’t happen all the time, when it does, he will appreciate your patience and flexibility.
Recognize that you may not be his primary priority.
Make it clear that you understand his career and children come first. As a new person in his life, there will be times when you have to take a step back to allow room for his priorities—and that's perfectly okay. Men in their 40s are typically well-established in their careers, where decisions carry weight, and if he's a devoted father, his children will naturally come before you.
- Support his decisions and demonstrate that you understand what's most important to him and share those values. For instance, if a date is canceled because his child is unwell, you could say, "I completely get it. Your kids need you. We can reschedule."
- Similarly, if he’s caught up at work, you might respond with, "I understand how crucial your work is. Feel free to come by later when you're finished—I'll make you dinner."
Be patient and take things slow.
Divorced men typically prefer not to rush into a new relationship. Unless he has recently ended a marriage and is looking for something casual, he’ll likely want to pace things. This generally means he’s eager to get to know you better and to spend time with you before becoming too emotionally invested.
- Patience is essential, especially if his pace doesn’t match yours. He may appear emotionally distant, but in reality, he’s just holding back until he feels more confident and trusts you more.
Accept that he's likely very settled in his life.
By his 40s, a man usually has a strong sense of who he is. This can actually work to your advantage. Younger men, even in their 20s and 30s, often don’t yet know who they are or what they want. By the time a man reaches his 40s, he’s generally hit his stride. He understands his preferences, dislikes, and how he wants to spend his time.
- If you're in a relationship with him, this is positive because it means he values your company and enjoys spending time with you. However, if there are certain things about him that irritate you, accept that these habits are unlikely to change. He's probably very set in his ways.
- Many men in their 40s like stability and predictability. If you're significantly younger, this might seem dull, but while you can gently encourage him to try new things, don’t push too hard if he’s resistant.
Ensure you're aligned on the topic of having children.
While men can still father children later in life, they might not want to. If he already has children from a previous marriage, he may feel no need for more. Additionally, male fertility begins to decline after 40, which can make conception more difficult for him and his partner.
- If you’re also in your 30s or 40s, you're probably in a similar position. But if you're in your 20s and dream of having children, this could be a dealbreaker. It's important to discuss your views on having kids early in the relationship, before emotions run too deep.
Get to know him deeply before meeting his family.
He will likely wait 6-12 months before introducing you to his family. Keep in mind—he’s been through a divorce. If children are involved, meeting his family becomes even more significant. This is a major relationship step, so be patient. Once your bond becomes strong and stable, he will feel assured that you’re in it for the long haul.
- When the time comes for you to meet his family, allow them to warm to you at their own pace. Understand that some of their bitterness or anger might stem from the divorce and isn't related to you personally.
Be vigilant for early warning signs in the relationship.
You don't want to form an emotional bond with someone toxic. The fact that he’s been divorced suggests that there’s a possibility he played a part in the end of the marriage. Stay alert for red flags that suggest he may not be as great as he seems. Here are a few things to watch for that could indicate a toxic personality:
- Controlling behavior: He attempts to dictate who you interact with, how you should dress, or how you should behave.
- Reckless or impulsive actions: He frequently makes poor decisions, struggles to keep a steady job, or has trouble managing his finances.
- Abusive tendencies: He belittles you, raises his voice at you, refuses to listen, or becomes physically aggressive. If he has a quick temper or reacts explosively to small things, this could be a warning sign of future abusive behavior.
- Make sure the person you're seeing is honest and open. You shouldn’t feel like you have to justify his actions or make excuses for him.
