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Professional guidance on assisting someone in escaping an abusive partnership
Learning that someone you care about is in an abusive relationship can be deeply unsettling: you want to support them, but figuring out the best way to do so can be challenging. This is a complex situation to handle, and while you cannot compel them to leave, there are strategies to provide support and potentially empower them to make the decision to leave on their own. Continue reading for tips on how to encourage someone to leave an abusive relationship.
Key Points to Keep in Mind
- Understand that it’s not your responsibility to rescue your loved one: they must decide to leave the abusive relationship on their own.
- Engage in nonjudgmental conversations about their situation, offering a listening ear without criticism or blame. Refrain from giving direct orders or interfering in their relationship.
- Be prepared to assist them in creating a safety plan when they’re ready to leave. This could include helping them secure a new phone or identifying a safe location for them to stay.
Steps to Take
Listen without passing judgment.
Avoid blaming, judging, or dictating their emotions. While you may have strong opinions about the situation and what your loved one should do, it’s crucial to steer clear of being judgmental, critical, or harsh. They are enduring pain that you may not fully comprehend, and it can be demeaning to instruct them on what to do or how to feel. By listening without judgment, you help them feel respected and valued, demonstrating that you’re a trustworthy confidant.
- Phrases like "You need to leave them" or "You should get help" may come from a good place but are often counterproductive.
- Their abuser may have already eroded their confidence and sense of independence, and giving directives can reinforce the notion that they lack control over their own life. This might lead them to shift from obeying their abuser to obeying you.
Ask about their feelings regarding the relationship.
Encourage them to reflect on their relationship gently. Inquire about how your loved one feels when the abuser exhibits controlling behavior. The aim is not to impose your views but to prompt them to consider how they are being treated.
- "Are you comfortable with him monitoring your messages?"
- "Does it upset you when she behaves that way?"
- "How does it make you feel when he speaks to you like that?"
Acknowledge and validate their emotions.
Offering reassurance and validation can provide comfort and strength to your loved one. Abuse often triggers a mix of emotions, some of which may seem confusing or contradictory. It’s alright if you don’t fully grasp their feelings—many times, people simply want to feel heard and cared for. Actively listen to your loved one and show empathy for their experiences. Here are some validating phrases to consider:
- "That must be incredibly hard/frustrating/painful."
- "I’m really sorry you’re going through this."
- "It’s completely understandable that you feel this way, considering everything you’re dealing with."
- "Your feelings are valid and important."
EXPERT TIP
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Marriage & Family Therapist
Help abused friends by listening without judgment. If a friend is in an abusive relationship, prioritize their well-being and needs. Begin by asking how they’re doing and demonstrating genuine concern. Offer support through active listening rather than giving directives. Strive to understand their perspective and create a safe environment where they can express themselves without fear of judgment.
Encourage them to practice self-compassion.
Help them understand that they are not to blame for their situation. They might believe that the abuse is their fault or that they somehow deserve it. They may also feel as though their reactions are exaggerated or unwarranted, thinking it’s “not that bad.” Reassure them that their emotions are valid and that the abuse is not their fault.
- “I understand you might feel responsible, but I want you to know that you’ve done nothing to deserve this. You deserve love, respect, and kindness.”
- "You might think it’s not a big deal, but everything you’ve told me would make anyone feel scared and upset."
Avoid speaking negatively about their abuser in their presence.
Criticizing their partner might make your loved one defensive. Even if they logically recognize the abuse, victims often feel compelled to defend their abuser when others criticize them. While your anger toward the abuser is justified, expressing it might push your loved one away, making it harder to support them.
- If they perceive you as overly biased, they may hesitate to confide in you. Strive to remain calm and respectful, regardless of how terrible the abuser’s actions are.
Understand that you cannot force them to leave.
The decision to leave must come from the victim themselves. Watching someone you care about endure mistreatment is incredibly painful. While you may want to rescue them and ensure their safety, remember that you cannot force them to leave. Your loved one may feel trapped, and true change can only happen when they find the strength to empower themselves.
- It might take longer than you’d like for your loved one to be ready to leave. Allow them to move at their own pace without pressure. Focus on supporting them while also taking care of your own well-being.
- It’s natural to feel frustrated and helpless as you watch them struggle. You might feel responsible for their safety or guilty for "not doing enough," but simply being there for them is incredibly valuable.
Express how their relationship affects you.
Sharing your perspective can help them view the situation more clearly. Directly criticizing the abuser might push the victim away, but framing your concerns in terms of your feelings can make it easier for them to process. This approach allows them to see the situation through your eyes.
- "I’m really concerned about your safety."
- "It makes me anxious to leave you alone at home. I keep thinking about the bruises she caused, and I’m afraid it might happen again."
- "I’ve never seen you this distressed, and it really worries me."
Stay out of their relationship dynamics.
Avoid intervening, no matter how strong the urge. Once you’re aware of the abuse, you might feel compelled to step in. However, inserting yourself into an abusive situation can put you at risk, alienate the victim, and may not help in the long term. Only confront the abuser if the victim explicitly asks you to and if you feel it’s safe to do so.
- Confronting the abuser might provoke them, and they could retaliate against the victim in private. While it’s tempting, it could escalate the danger.
- If the abuser sees you as a threat, they may try to limit or cut off your loved one’s contact with you.
Provide specific assistance.
While you can’t force them to leave, you can ease their burden. Your loved one might be too overwhelmed to identify where they need help. Offer concrete ways you can assist—whether it’s preparing meals, looking after their children, researching their partner’s behavior, or other tasks.
- Offering help is a subtle way to show them they’re cared for, not alone, and don’t have to handle everything on their own. It also reassures them that they’ll have support if they ever decide to leave.
- "I know things have been tough lately, so I’m dropping off dinner for you and the family tonight to lighten the load."
- "You mentioned wanting to see a therapist, which sounds like a great idea! If you need help with anything, like a ride or childcare, just say the word."
Encourage them to stay socially active.
Urge them to spend time with friends or family. Victims of abuse often become isolated, so inviting them out can make a big difference. Plan outings together or include them in group activities. Staying connected with others boosts their mental health, and they deserve to enjoy themselves.
- An abuser might try to create distance between you and your loved one. Even if you have a disagreement, reassure them that you’re still there for them.
- "You deserve a break! I’m heading to the movies this weekend and would love for you to join. We could grab dinner afterward!"
- "Are you thinking of playing softball again this year? You were amazing at it and seemed to really enjoy it. I can watch the kids if you need someone—go have fun!"
Help rebuild their self-esteem.
Offer them extra care and attention. Help your loved one feel appreciated and remind them of their worth. Abuse often damages self-esteem, so you can assist by boosting their confidence. Over time, this may help them feel empowered enough to reevaluate their relationship and consider leaving their abuser.
- Highlight the qualities you admire most about them (strength, wisdom, kindness, etc.).
- Engage in activities they excel at (e.g., bowling, painting) to help them feel accomplished and capable.
- Seek their advice on something to show you value their opinion.
Encourage them to seek professional support.
Recommend they consult a therapist or domestic violence specialist. If your loved one seeks advice, it’s a positive sign. While you can offer some help, the situation may feel overwhelming. Suggest they speak with a qualified professional who can provide expert guidance.
- For example, "Jess, I really want to support you, but this is a complex situation, and I’m not sure how best to help. It might be beneficial to talk to a counselor who specializes in these issues. I can help you find someone, and I’ll still be here for you every step of the way."
- If they agree, look for a domestic violence expert or therapist (avoid couples counseling).
Discuss safety plans with them.
Creating a safety plan can help protect them from harm. If your loved one acknowledges the problem, work with them to develop a plan for when they feel unsafe. Write it down, or if they fear the abuser might find it, keep it verbal.
- The plan could include helping them get a new phone, altering their daily routine, ensuring the safety of their children (if applicable), and other steps to prevent the abuser from monitoring or controlling them.
- Provide options if they express fear or a desire to leave, but let them decide what’s best for their situation.
- "You seem really worried about going home tonight. Would you like to stay at my place?"
- "Would you like to contact an abuse hotline? If you’re comfortable, I can make the call for you or stay with you while you do."
- "I know where the nearest shelter is. Would you like me to take you there?"
Provide support after the relationship ends.
The impact of abuse can linger long after the relationship is over. Even if your loved one escapes their abusive partner, they’ll need time to heal. Stay by their side and help them navigate the emotional aftermath.
- Assist them in adjusting to life without their partner: spend quality time together, call frequently, prepare meals, help with household tasks, or offer to care for their children if they have any.
- Keep listening to them discuss their experiences without passing judgment.
- While things will likely improve over time, they’ll need plenty of friendship and love to help them through this challenging period.
