Buzz
Determine whether the man you’re dating genuinely cares for you or has ulterior motives
Are you concerned that his feelings for you might not be sincere? Perhaps he avoids discussing your relationship’s future or seems hesitant to define your status. Recognizing the signs of a player can help you decide whether to continue the relationship or move on. Below, we share expert-backed indicators that he might be toying with your emotions.
This article draws insights from an interview with professional dating coach Cher Gopman, founder of NYC Wingwoman LLC. Read the full interview here.
Key Points to Consider
- If he avoids introducing you to his friends or meeting yours, he might view this as a casual fling.
- If he’s always “too busy” for you but makes time for others, he could be playing you.
- Bring up the relationship to gauge his intentions. If he dodges the topic, he’s likely not serious.
- Confront him about his intentions if you suspect he’s playing games. If he’s not interested in commitment, it might be time to end things.
Steps to Take
Analyzing His Behavior
Observe if he restricts your outings to specific areas. Does he consistently choose the same locations for your dates? He might be trying to avoid unexpected encounters with other people he’s seeing. To test this, casually suggest exploring a new restaurant, theater, or park in a different part of town and watch how he responds.
- If he’s playing games, he’ll likely seem uncomfortable or irritated by your suggestion.
- Consider whether he always dictates where you go. While he might simply enjoy taking the lead, it could also indicate he’s trying to avoid places where he might bump into others he’s dating.
- Similarly, if he only wants to meet late at night, it’s a strong sign he’s only interested in a casual fling rather than a meaningful relationship.
Notice if he avoids introducing you to his social circle. If he’s hesitant to meet your friends or introduce you to his, it could mean he’s not serious about the relationship. He might fear his friends could accidentally reveal he’s seeing other people. If you’ve been together for a while and he still shows no interest in integrating you into his life, it’s a major red flag.
- If he’s unwilling to become more involved in your life, it’s likely because he doesn’t want the relationship to progress. He might also be concerned you’ll discover he’s interested in someone else.
- However, if you push him to meet your friends or family too soon, he might feel overwhelmed. He could have valid reasons for taking things slow, such as wanting to ensure the relationship is stable or giving his friends time to adjust.
Pay attention to how he acts when you meet in public. If he’s warm and affectionate in private but distant when you cross paths in public, it’s a clear warning sign. He might be hiding your relationship because he’s seeing someone else or doesn’t want others to know about you. Either way, this behavior is concerning.
- If he genuinely cares for you, he’ll be happy to see you and may even show some affection. While he doesn’t need to be as demonstrative in public as in private, he should still act like he values your presence.
- Observe his body language for clues. Does he maintain eye contact and move closer to you? These are positive signs. If he keeps his distance, crosses his arms, and avoids looking at you, he’s likely trying to create space between you.
Check if he avoids public displays of affection. If you’re out together and he acts more like a sibling than a romantic partner, question his motives. A player might avoid showing affection in public to keep his options open or hide other relationships. While not all men are comfortable with PDA, someone who truly cares will want to express some level of affection.
- Don’t pressure him to be overly affectionate early on, but if he still keeps his distance after several dates, it’s worth reconsidering his intentions.
Look for inconsistent behavior. If he’s affectionate and attentive one moment but distant and aloof the next, it’s a sign he might be playing games. He may only reach out when it’s convenient for him, prioritizing other plans or people over you. This hot-and-cold behavior is a clear indicator that he’s not serious about the relationship.
- Ask yourself if his actions leave you feeling uncertain about his feelings or your relationship status. If so, he’s likely toying with your emotions.
Notice if he prioritizes his friends over you. A guy who’s playing you will rarely make you a priority. He’ll always choose nights out with his friends over spending time with you, only reaching out when his schedule is free. If he truly cared, he’d make an effort to balance his social life and your relationship.
- While it’s healthy for him to maintain friendships, a complete lack of compromise or effort to spend time with you suggests he’s not serious about you.
Pay attention to his phone habits. Secrecy around his phone is a major red flag. If he’s constantly texting away from you, taking calls in private, or avoiding social media connections with you, he might be hiding something. A guy who’s playing you will often guard his phone closely, fearing you might discover his other interests.
- Does he never leave his phone unattended, even briefly? While snooping isn’t advisable, his discomfort at the thought of you seeing his phone is telling.
- If he turns off his phone when he’s with you, it could be a sign he’s avoiding calls or messages from others.
- Trust is essential in any relationship. If his behavior makes you doubt him, it’s worth reconsidering the future of your connection.
Decoding His Words
Be wary of constant excuses about being too busy. If he repeatedly claims he’s too busy to spend time with you but is often out with friends, it’s a clear sign he’s not prioritizing you. A guy who genuinely wants to be with you will make time, no matter how busy his schedule is.
- If he takes hours or days to respond to your messages or cancels plans last minute, it’s likely he’s not as invested in the relationship as you are.
Pay attention to whether his compliments focus solely on your appearance. If a guy is only interested in a physical relationship, his compliments will likely center on your looks rather than your personality. While he may praise your beauty or attractiveness, this lack of deeper acknowledgment suggests he’s not serious about you.
- Test his sincerity by asking what he admires about you. If he can only mention physical traits and nothing about your character, it’s a clear warning sign.
Notice if he avoids making plans beyond the near future. If he dodges conversations about future events, even something as simple as holiday plans a month away, it could mean he’s not serious about the relationship. A committed partner will want to include you in their future and won’t shy away from discussing it.
- While it’s understandable for him to feel overwhelmed if you bring up long-term commitments too soon, avoiding even casual future plans is a red flag.
- If he never mentions the future or includes you in his plans, it’s likely he’s not invested in the relationship.
Ask if he’s mentioned you to his friends. If his friends seem surprised to meet you or unaware of your relationship, it’s a sign he hasn’t taken your connection seriously enough to share it with them. A guy who values you will be eager to introduce you to his social circle.
- If he’s affectionate in private but distant or casual around his friends, he may be keeping things superficial.
- While some men might act reserved in front of friends, never mentioning you at all suggests he’s not serious about the relationship.
Check if he avoids labeling the relationship. If you consider him your boyfriend but he never refers to you as his partner or girlfriend, it’s a sign he may not see the relationship as seriously as you do. Introducing you as a friend or hesitating when you use relationship labels indicates he’s not fully committed.
- Actions matter, but words do too. If he refuses to acknowledge the relationship with clear labels, it’s worth questioning his intentions.
Observe how he interacts with others. If he’s overly flirtatious with other people, especially when you’re not nearby, it’s a sign he might be playing games. While it’s normal for him to be friendly, excessive flirting suggests he’s keeping his options open.
- A guy who truly cares for you won’t feel the need to flirt with others. While he doesn’t have to ignore everyone, his interactions should remain respectful and platonic.
- If you’re curious about his behavior at social events, ask a trusted friend for their observations. This can provide insight without making you seem overly suspicious.
Be cautious of constant excuses. He might be so skilled at lying that his stories sound entirely believable. Whether it’s his grandmother’s illness, his dog’s vet appointment, or oversleeping and missing your date, his excuses might seem flawless. However, if he always has a ready-made reason for letting you down, it’s likely he’s not being honest.
- If he frequently claims his phone died as an excuse, it’s probably not the truth.
- If he’s overly sweet or apologetic when giving these excuses, it could be a tactic to distract you from his dishonesty.
Observe his behavior when you ask about his evening. To determine if he’s playing games, casually ask him about his night if he claimed he was staying in or with friends. You don’t need to grill him, but simple questions about what he did, like which movie he watched or where he went, can reveal a lot. Nervousness, stuttering, or fidgeting might indicate he’s hiding something.
- While you shouldn’t interrogate him, subtle questions can help you spot inconsistencies in his story.
- Ask casually, perhaps while doing something else like scrolling through your phone, to avoid making him suspicious.
Gathering Solid Proof
Directly ask him about his intentions. The simplest way to find out if he’s playing you is to have an honest conversation. While it might be uncomfortable, asking him where you stand can provide clarity. If his feelings don’t match yours, it’s better to know sooner rather than later. Find a quiet moment to discuss your relationship and his thoughts on your future together.
- Though it’s not easy, this approach gives you a clear answer. If he’s lying, his behavior will likely give him away.
- If you’re feeling bold, you can directly ask if he’s cheating, pointing out specific behaviors that concern you.
- If your goals for the relationship don’t align, it’s time to move on.
Seek your friends’ opinions. While talking to him directly is best, your friends can offer valuable insights. They’ve observed your relationship from the outside and may have noticed things you missed. They might even have seen him interact with others when you weren’t around, giving them a different perspective.
- Encourage your friends to be honest, even if their feedback is hard to hear.
- If it’s not too obvious, you can ask a friend to casually observe him in social settings to see how he behaves around others. Just be aware that if he suspects anything, he’ll likely act differently.
Surprise him with an unexpected visit. Arrive at his place an hour earlier than planned to see if he’s hiding anything, like another woman or signs of a rushed cleanup. Alternatively, drop by casually when he’s supposed to be busy, like studying or working, and bring him coffee or a snack. Observe his reaction—whether he’s genuinely happy to see you or seems nervous and evasive.
- If showing up unannounced feels unnatural, make it seem like a spontaneous gesture. However, if it’s out of character for you, he might suspect something.
Consider snooping through his belongings—if you’re willing to risk breaking his trust. While invading his privacy isn’t ideal, if you’re desperate for answers, you might check his phone, emails, or room for suspicious items like clothing that isn’t yours. Only resort to this if you’re certain you need clarity and other methods have failed.
- Be aware that if you find evidence, you’ll have to admit to snooping, which could shift the focus to your actions rather than his behavior. This method is best used if you’re prepared to end the relationship.
- If you’re caught going through his phone, have a plausible excuse ready, like needing to check directions or your email. While it may not fully convince him, it’s better than admitting to snooping.
Test his honesty by catching him in a lie. If he claims to have spent time with friends or family, casually ask them about it later. If they seem confused or unaware of the plans, it’s a sign he might be lying. Similarly, if he tells a story about helping a sibling, ask about it days later to see if he remembers his own tale.
- Simple questions, like asking which movie he watched with friends, can reveal inconsistencies. If he struggles to answer, it’s a red flag.
Trust your instincts, even without concrete proof. Even if he’s not seeing someone else, he might still be playing games if he’s not as invested as you are. If your gut tells you something’s off and you have valid reasons to doubt him, it’s time to let him go.
- When you’re with someone who truly cares, you’ll feel secure. You won’t waste time worrying about his whereabouts or resorting to extreme measures like snooping. You’ll know he’s fully committed, and that’s a reassuring feeling.
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Dating a player is fine if you’re not seeking a serious relationship. However, if you’re looking for something long-term, it’s better to move on and find someone who shares your goals.
