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Identifying the traits of toxic friends and how to address their behavior
Continuing friendships with those who don’t truly appreciate or respect your individuality can significantly affect your confidence and emotional well-being. Friends who constantly criticize, fail to make time for you, or talk only about themselves are examples of people who don’t value your relationship. It’s natural to question if they’re worth keeping as friends. In this article, we’ll point out specific behaviors to watch for in these toxic friends and offer advice on confronting them and handling the situation.
This article draws from an interview with our clinical psychologist, Tala Johartchi, PsyD. Check out the full interview here.
Actions to Take
They frequently cancel plans.
They often back out of plans last minute with no apology. A friend who cancels without warning doesn’t truly value your friendship or time. It can feel like they always find a better option to spend time with, and they rarely give any advance notice before canceling.
- For example, a friend who doesn’t value you might cancel plans to hang out with someone else.
- Or they might offer vague excuses like, “I can’t today,” even though you’ve had those plans for a while.
- If this happens frequently, have an honest conversation with them. You might say something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been really busy lately, is something going on?” as a way to better understand their perspective.
They don’t keep their word.
They’re not dependable. A friend who doesn’t value you likely doesn’t feel much remorse when breaking promises, and this behavior could even become a pattern. Eventually, it might feel like you can’t rely on them, especially during crucial moments. For instance, they might have a history of failing to show up when they said they would, like helping you move or support you in a new endeavor.
- They might also violate boundaries you’ve set. For example, even if they initially promised not to discuss a sensitive topic, they may have brought it up at some point.
- To handle this situation, first ask them about the reasons behind their actions to understand their side.
- If this continues, set clear boundaries or consequences to demonstrate the impact of their actions on you. For instance, you could take a break from them after they break a promise.
They don’t make an effort to spend time with you.
You’re probably the one who always reaches out. If it feels like you’re the only one putting energy into the relationship, it’s a clear sign that your friend may not truly value your connection. They might rarely reach out to you, and your interactions might be infrequent despite calling them your “friend.”
- If you notice this dynamic, take a moment to evaluate your friendship and ask yourself if your needs are being fulfilled.
- For instance, you may wish for a friend with whom you can talk often. If your current relationship doesn’t provide that, it may indicate that the bond is unhealthy or not working well for you.
They put you down.
They make hurtful comments and belittle you in front of others. A friend who doesn’t value you may speak condescendingly, making remarks like “You’re so dumb” or “You’re terrible at that.” They might also rely heavily on sarcasm when interacting with you. This behavior can leave you feeling less confident and unable to be your true self around them.
- To address this behavior, confront your friend and have a discussion about it.
- You could say something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been really critical of me lately” or “Some of the things you’ve said have really hurt me.”
They dominate the conversation.
They might interrupt or talk over you. A friend who doesn’t value you may not allow you to speak during a conversation. Instead, they might focus solely on themselves and their own life, rarely showing interest in what you have to say. It could feel as though they don’t care about your opinions or life events.
- To deal with a friend who dominates conversations, listen for a moment, then gently interrupt to signal that you have something to contribute.
- For example, you might say, “Are you finished? I’d like to share something.”
- If they try to interrupt, assert yourself by saying, “I’ve listened to you, now please let me speak.”
They feel envious of your successes.
They try to overshadow your achievements. A true friend would celebrate your successes with you, but a friend who doesn’t truly appreciate you may react with jealousy when you share good news. Instead of congratulating you, they might shift the focus to their own accomplishments to make themselves the center of attention.
- Even though it may feel like they’re trying to turn everything into a competition, try not to engage in the rivalry.
- Instead, focus on your own victories and encourage yourself by saying, “I did well” and “I’m proud of my progress.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 814 Mytour readers about the strongest signs that someone isn’t interested in being your friend, and only 9% agreed that they aren’t happy when you succeed. [Take Poll] While it can sting when your friends don’t seem to care about your achievements, they may not even realize the impact of their actions. It’s best to discuss the issue with them before jumping to conclusions.
They seem unwilling to compliment you.
They don’t make an effort to boost your confidence. A true friend is someone who lifts you up and provides constant encouragement. On the other hand, a friend who doesn’t value you may be reluctant to praise you or show support for your accomplishments. Their compliments might be tepid, like “That outfit isn’t too bad” or “You did okay, I guess.”
- Use positive affirmations to help build your own confidence when your friend isn’t offering support. Tell yourself things like, “I like how I look” or “I’m doing well.”
- Be honest with your friend and explain how their comments make you feel. You could say something like, “I feel like you’re not really happy for me, and your compliments feel insincere.”
They expect you to always be available for them.
They want you to prioritize them, but they don’t do the same for you. If a friend expects you to be at their service around the clock, it shows they don’t respect you as an individual with your own commitments and responsibilities. They may want you to drop everything whenever they need you, but won’t make time for you when you want to hang out. If this becomes a constant expectation, the friendship might start to feel more draining than rewarding.
- If their demands are leaving you feeling exhausted, set boundaries about how you wish to allocate your time.
- For example, tell them you need personal time to recharge. If they can’t understand that, you may need to step back from the friendship for a while.
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Start the QuizDiscover More QuizzesThey only reach out when they want something from you.
They exploit your kindness without offering anything in return. A friend who doesn’t value you may reach out rarely, but when they do, it’s often because they need a favor. They might say, “I know it’s been some time, but I could really use your help.” They may expect you to drop everything to assist them, but will likely not reciprocate or show any real appreciation for your effort.
- Establish firm boundaries and say no when their requests inconvenience you. You can say, “I’m unable to help this time” or negotiate by saying, “I’ll help, but you’ll owe me one.”
They always put their own needs first.
You constantly find yourself going along with their plans. When it's time to choose an activity, they might insist on doing what they want, without considering your preferences. A friend who doesn’t value you will likely dominate your plans without seeking your input.
- The solution is to assert yourself. Voice your opinion even if they don’t ask, ensuring they factor your wishes into the decision-making process.
They don’t back your ambitions.
They may criticize your goals or belittle your dreams. A true friend will encourage you to follow your passions, but one who doesn’t value you might downplay your ambitions. Instead of offering support, they might make critical remarks that make you doubt yourself.
- For example, they could say, “I don’t think you’ll be successful at that. Why not try something more suited to you?”
- Remember, just because they don’t believe in your dreams doesn’t lessen their importance or value.
- If their negativity is impacting your confidence, it might be time to take a break from them or consider ending the friendship. Surround yourself with those who uplift you.
They leave you out of plans.
They don’t invite you to gatherings or prioritize others over you. This is a major warning sign of a friend who doesn’t respect or appreciate you. They may deliberately exclude you from their social circle to avoid having you interact with their other friends. A real friend will actively make an effort to include you and make you feel like an essential part of their life.
- If your friend is ignoring you, address the situation by confronting them. Ask, “I’ve noticed you’ve been distant lately. Did something happen?”
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Take the QuizExplore More QuizzesThey behave differently when they're around others.
They may seem insincere when they're with other people. When you're with your friend in a larger social setting, it might feel as though they adopt a completely different persona when interacting with other friends. This could indicate that they don’t feel fully comfortable being themselves around you in public or in groups. They may value their social image over being authentic with you, suggesting that they may not genuinely appreciate your friendship.
- Discuss any behavioral changes you've noticed. Ask them something like, "I've noticed you act a little differently when we're with our friends. Is there something I'm doing that makes you uncomfortable?"
- Try to understand their perspective. These changes in their behavior could be completely unconscious on their part.
They reveal your private matters to others.
You get the sense that they can’t be trusted with your personal secrets. If your friend betrays your trust by talking behind your back or revealing secrets you’ve shared with them, it’s a clear sign that they don’t respect your privacy. This type of behavior can feel like a deep betrayal. A true friend is one who respects your boundaries and keeps your confidences safe.
- A friend who disrespects you may also gossip about you or even spread false rumors about you.
- To address a betrayal, confront them directly and express your feelings. You might say, "I felt hurt and betrayed when I found out you shared my secret with them."
- Decide if you can forgive them or if it’s time to walk away from the friendship due to the extent of the hurt.
They refuse to take responsibility for their actions.
They make excuses or try to shift the blame. A friend who doesn’t value you often avoids taking responsibility for their actions. Instead, they will make excuses or try to blame others or external factors. For instance, if they break a promise, they might say something like, "I was under a lot of stress at work, so I couldn’t keep my word."
- They might even lie or deny their actions, saying things like, "I didn’t do that," or "It’s not my fault, it was someone else."
- A person who takes responsibility for their actions would say, "I messed up and I’m sorry for the hurt I caused."
- Use “I” statements to express how their behavior made you feel without accusing them directly. For example, instead of saying, "You broke your promise," you might say, "I felt disappointed when you didn’t show up."
They don’t offer an apology.
Their apologies are hollow or non-existent. When they make a mistake and fail to apologize, it shows they don’t value or respect you. Instead of offering a genuine apology, they may offer trivial gestures like promising to buy you something or making vague promises not to repeat the mistake. This can be incredibly frustrating, especially when you know they were wrong.
- While it’s tough, sometimes it’s healthiest to forgive them to move on in the relationship. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting; it means letting go of the anger and not letting it hold you back.
- If they repeatedly fail to apologize, it might be time to distance yourself from them, allowing them space to reflect on their actions.
They get you into trouble.
They pressure you to break the rules even when you're uncomfortable. If your friend is trying to convince you to do something that makes you uneasy or participate in risky behavior, it’s a warning sign. It shows they might not truly respect your boundaries. For example, they might push you to drink or do drugs even after you’ve refused.
- Stand your ground and assert your boundaries if they continue to pressure you. Be clear and let them know the consequences if they don’t stop.
- For instance, you might tell them that you will not hang out with them for a while if their behavior doesn’t change.
They don't make an effort to get to know you.
They don't ask for your thoughts or opinions. A true friend takes time to understand your life and your viewpoints. However, someone who doesn’t value your friendship might only talk about themselves or gossip about others, rather than show an interest in your life.
- If it seems like they’re deliberately avoiding learning about you, it could mean they no longer want to be your friend.
- In this case, you might want to try opening up to them. But if they’re not receptive, it might be better to find a friend who genuinely cares about you.
They forget important details about your life.
They might forget your birthday or your job. If your friend doesn't remember the essential details about your life, like your birthday or career, it suggests they may not truly appreciate your friendship. While everyone forgets occasionally, consistently forgetting important things about you can be a sign that your friend isn't prioritizing you as they should.
They try to change who you are.
They don’t value what makes you special. A true friend embraces you as you are. However, a friend who pressures you to alter your personality or appearance doesn’t truly appreciate your individuality. They may constantly compare you to others and offer unsolicited advice on how to change to fit someone else's standard of beauty or likability.
- Be true to yourself and embrace your uniqueness. You don't need to change for anyone else’s approval.
- If your friend can't accept you for who you are, it might be time to move on and find people who love and encourage you as you are.
They don’t open up about their personal life.
They keep conversations shallow on purpose. True friendships thrive on sharing personal stories and feelings. If your friend keeps avoiding meaningful discussions despite your efforts to connect, it may indicate they don't truly care to bond. They might deflect questions or stick to unimportant topics.
- Try opening up yourself to inspire them to share more. Discuss your aspirations, fears, or viewpoints to deepen the conversation.
- Practice active listening when they speak to show you are interested. Put away distractions, avoid interrupting, and ask follow-up questions to encourage them to open up.
They’re not supportive when you’re going through tough times.
They claim to be busy when you need them most. Even though you’ve always been there for them during their hard moments, they might not offer the same support when it’s your turn. If it feels like they are constantly unavailable when you need them, it could be a sign that they don't truly value your friendship and are taking your support for granted.
- For example, they might send a brief “Sorry to hear that” text, but don’t take the time to listen or provide meaningful support.
- Be clear about your needs with them. Tell them something like, “I would really appreciate it if I could talk to you when I’m feeling down.”
- In the meantime, focus on finding ways to take care of yourself. Engage in activities that relax and comfort you, and reach out to other friends and family who can provide the support you need.
They don’t show understanding when you’re struggling.
They may tell you to simply “move on” when you're going through a tough situation. Instead of offering a supportive ear, a friend who doesn’t value you might brush off your struggles or give you advice that feels dismissive. For instance, they could say things like, “It’s not a big deal. Why are you so upset?”
- They might also sound unsympathetic, minimizing your feelings instead of providing comfort.
- What’s most important is that you get the support you need, so consider distancing yourself from this friend for a while. Use this time to lean on other friends or family who can offer the care and understanding you deserve.
They feel threatened by your other friendships.
They try to make you feel guilty about spending time with others. If your friend becomes envious of the other people you spend time with or accuses you of “abandoning them,” it could signal that they don’t truly value your friendship for what it is. No matter how much effort you put into seeing them, it may never seem enough.
- A genuine friend will not make you feel obligated to spend all your time with them and will respect your other relationships.
- Talk to them openly about how they feel and try to understand where they’re coming from. You could ask, “Did I do something that made you feel this way?”
They manipulate you to get their way.
They use guilt or emotional blackmail to control you. Friends who don’t respect your boundaries might resort to manipulation in order to get what they want. They may try to make you feel guilty or even gaslight you to force you into doing things their way.
- Gaslighting involves making you question your own memory and perception to manipulate you psychologically.
- An example of gaslighting could be a friend saying, “You’re misremembering that. I would never tell anyone your secret, so why are you accusing me?”
- They might also try to make you feel bad about not spending enough time with them by saying, “Am I not your friend? You never make time for me.”
- Gaslighting is a serious red flag in any friendship. If you experience this, it may be time to create distance or sever the relationship entirely.
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