Buzz
Plus, discover additional ways to naturally infuse humor into your phone chats.
If you're searching for clever and amusing ways to add humor to your phone calls, we've put together an ultimate list of over 90 inventive responses to help turn those dull 'hellos' into moments of laughter. These phone-answering phrases will catch your callers off guard and make their day—just remember to be mindful of your audience and save the wittier ones for your closest friends! Get ready to master the art of the funny phone pickup!
Steps
Quick & Comedic Ways to Answer the Phone
Keep it short and snappy with a clever one-liner. When delivering a quick, funny greeting, the timing and delivery are key. Keep the energy upbeat, but avoid rushing through your greeting to hit that comedic mark just right. Be sure to read your audience and have a few go-to responses ready depending on who’s calling. Here are some brief and humorous options to try out on your next call:
- “Incontinence Hotline…please hold.”
- “Sorry, wrong number.”
- “Ahoy-hoy!”
- “Hellooo…Satan speaking.”
- “Hello, you’re live on air!”
- “Did you just fart?”
- “The money’s in the trash can. You know the drill.”
- “Meow?”
- “Sorry, I don’t speak English. Only fluent sarcasm here.”
Using Hilarious Movie & TV Quotes to Answer the Phone
Throw in a memorable funny line to crack up your caller. People love bonding over shared humor, so pick a quote that your caller will definitely recognize to land the joke. You can either use one of these iconic funny lines, or feel free to throw in your own!
- “If someone says something bad about you, you'd want me to tell you, right?” – Mean Girls
- “Gooooooooooood morning, Vietnam!” – Good Morning, Vietnam
- “That’s what she said.” – The Office
- “Hello! This is Regina Phalange.” – Friends
- “Seven days…” – The Ring
- “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” – The Princess Bride
- “Ghostbusters! What do you want?” – Ghostbusters
- “You are the weakest link. Goodbye.” – The Weakest Link
- “Heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!” – The Shining
Cheeky Ways to Answer the Phone
Give your caller a laugh—and maybe a little blush—with a cheeky remark. Only use these with friends who share your sense of humor (these aren't for work calls!). If you're out in public, keep the volume down to avoid unwanted attention. Pro tip: Always have a quick save or an apology in case you slip up and use one of these with the wrong person.
- “Bud’s Bait, Tackle, & Lingerie! Guess what I’m wearing.”
- “Hi, darling. No, I'm not pregnant yet, but what are you wearing?”
- “Jim’s sperm bank, you smack it, we pack it! How can I help you today?”
- “Papa’s Pizzeria and Abortion Clinic. Your loss is our sauce. How can I help you?”
- “Howie’s House of Pain…how can we hurt you today?”
- “Hey there! I was feeling a little off today, but you turned me on again.”
- “Sorry, I can't talk right now. My booty call just arrived.”
- “This is Santa. You’ve been very naughty.”
- “Alien abduction hotline, have you been probed?”
Answering the Phone with a Good Joke
Start the conversation with a quick joke to get the laughs rolling. Share a fast, punchy joke that doesn’t require a long setup—something like a quick pun. A joke with a long lead-in will be less effective than one with a fast punchline. Try one of these lighthearted jokes to break the ice during your next phone call.
- “Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.”
- “Why did the parents dislike their son’s biology teacher? He had skeletons in his closet.”
- “I told a bad chemistry joke once. I got no reaction.”
- “Thank goodness you called! I accidentally swallowed some food coloring yesterday. I think I dyed a little inside.”
- “Did you know a Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother?”
- “Your IQ test results came back. They were negative.”
- “Have you heard the one about the crustacean who got sued? He was accused of promoting his own shellfish interests.”
- “Did you hear about the exorcist who offers a payment plan? Apparently, if people fall behind on their payments, they’ll get repossessed!”
- “What’s a dog’s favorite homework assignment? A lab report.”
Answering the Phone with a Humorous Fake Business
Invent a funny fake business to give your caller a good laugh. Go all-in on the bit by choosing a ridiculous but convincing business name and greeting. Develop a character and maintain the right professional tone to make the joke land. Sound like you're working for a business with a script to follow while delivering their services or tagline for maximum humor. Just be ready to break character smoothly if the call turns out to be serious.
- “Hello, you’ve reached the office of Dr. Scrachensniff, your one-stop shop for burns, warts, and rashes.”
- “Bob’s Bail Bonds. You ring, we spring!”
- “Alejandro’s Mortuary and Taco Stand, where yesterday’s grief is today’s beef. What can I do for you today?”
- “Myrtle’s girdles, Myrtle speaking. What can I do for you today?”
- “Steve's Crematorium, you ghost 'em, we'll roast 'em.”
- “Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it. What can I get started for you today?”
- “Bill’s Pool Hall, 8 Ball speaking.”
- “Psychic Pizza. $14.83. About 30 minutes.”
- “Frank's Taxidermy, you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em!”
Answering the Phone Like a Real Business or Organization
Pretend to work at a real business to perplex your caller. When spoofing established organizations, choose ones most people will recognize. Twist their usual greetings with exaggerated corporate jargon or add strange new services to their offerings. This kind of humor draws from the familiar, making it relatable for everyone as a way to get a laugh.
- “This is Burger King, Home of the Whopper. What’s your beef?”
- “Alcoholics Anonymous, Jack Daniels speaking.”
- “City Morgue. You stab 'em, we slab 'em.”
- “FBI Cybercrimes Division. This call is being recorded. How may I assist you?”
- “Hello, 911? I'd like to report a burglary in progress!”
- “IRS, you owe us $5,000. Please provide your credit card details.”
- “Pizza Hut, would you like to hear today’s specials or place an order?”
- “Hello! Thank you for calling AT&T. Our normal business hours are from 9 AM to 5 PM, Monday through Friday. However, we are currently closed. Please call back during our normal business hours.”
- “Jimmy John’s, freaky fast delivery. How can I freak you out today?”
Hilarious Ways to Deal with Spam Calls
Make spam callers hang up on you for a change. Answer spam calls with humor to waste their time while keeping yourself entertained. Have a few ready-to-go responses so you can mess with scammers when you spot a spam number. Just remember to stay cautious—never share personal info, even when having fun with scammers. Here are some humorous openers to get them to hang up on you:
- “Sheriff’s Department, Fraud Division. Name and social security number, please.”
- “I’m sorry. He can’t come to the phone right now. He’s dead.”
- “You've reached the rejection hotline. Please hang up.”
- “He’s dead. What do you want me to do with the body?”
- “I’m busy now, but I’m free around midnight. Can I have your home phone number so I can call you back?”
- “All of our agents are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered as soon as possible.”
- “Do you have a moment to discuss our lord and savior, Cthulhu?”
- “Oh, hi! I’m glad you called. My billing rate is $500 per hour. If you give me your credit card number now, I’ll book a time slot just for you.”
- “I'm sorry, you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please check the number and try your call again.”
Funny Ways to Answer the Phone at Work
Inject humor into your work phone calls while staying professional. Keep it subtle and workplace-appropriate to avoid crossing any lines. Use puns or clever wordplay instead of bold, inappropriate jokes. Test your funny greetings with trusted colleagues to ensure they strike the right balance between professionalism and fun. Always have a standard professional greeting ready just in case a serious call comes through.
- “You've reached the department of redundancy department. How can I assist you, assist you today?”
- “You've reached the procrastination station. Please hold while I put off answering your call.”
- “You’ve reached the office jungle, where the coffee is strong, and the Mondays are brutal.”
- “Company X's breakroom. For gossip, press 1. For snack inventory, press 2.”
- “You've reached the water cooler gossip hotline – spill the tea!”
- “Welcome to the last cubicle on the left. Please proceed with caution!”
- “You've dialed into the office zen zone. Let's inhale positivity and exhale the stress. How may I assist you today?”
- “Welcome to the chaos central, where we turn coffee into productivity. What's brewing?”
- “Hello, this is [Your Name], your friendly neighborhood spreadsheet wrangler!”
Funny Ways to Answer Calls from Strangers
Start with a playful greeting when a strange number calls. Save the potentially controversial jokes for when you know the caller well and they’re likely to appreciate it. Stick with quirky greetings that can be explained away as mistakes if the call turns out to be important. Here are a few lines to consider, or feel free to invent your own.
- “Who’s this? Is this a secure line?”
- “Hello, can I be of assistance?”
- “Thanks for calling [your name]. Your call will be addressed in the order received.”
- “Please listen carefully as our menu options have been updated.”
- “I’m sorry, all our lines are busy. Please hang up and try again later.”
- “Hi, is Chuck around?”
- “Hello! This is your neighborhood mathematician. I’d love to chat, but I’ll have to cal-cu-later!”
- “Hello from the other side!”
- “Room service!”
- “Hello? Is it me you’re looking for?”
Humorous Ways to End a Call
Come up with a witty exit to wrap up a phone conversation. When you’re nearing the end of a call and want to finish on a funny note, use a silly excuse to hang up. Surprise is key for a great punchline. For the perfect sign-off, keep it brief, odd, and unexpected. Here are a few comical ways to exit the conversation with flair.
- “I’d apologize for hanging up, but honestly, I’m not sorry.”
- “Oh my god! It’s coming right at me!”
- “I don’t actually have to go, but I’m pretending to have a pressing appointment.”
- “Hey, I’ll catch you later. I’m running late for a very important nap.”
- “I have to go. My people need me.”
- “I don’t want to be rude, but I do want to hang up now. Bye!”
- “I have to go now. My dog is in the middle of an existential crisis.”
- “Well, I’ve gotta go see a guy about a baboon.”
- “Sorry, my grandpa’s barking. I need to check if he’s out of Milkbones.”
How to Be Funny on the Phone
Know your audience and their sense of humor. Pay attention to what others find amusing. Since you're answering your phone, you likely have an idea of who’s calling. If it’s a friend, consider the type of humor they usually enjoy.
- Some people enjoy over-the-top exaggerations, while others prefer clever wordplay. A few can’t resist a fart joke.
- Consider if your funny comment fits the context of the call. For example, a work call might not be the best time to crack every joke.
- Racist, sexist, and crude humor can be deeply offensive to some. Similarly, jokes about religion, political views, and other personal beliefs can be tricky.
Learn a few funny phone greetings to have ready to go. Using humor in your phone conversations is a fantastic way to build rapport and lighten the mood. If you want to inject some laughter into your calls, memorize a few lines that you can pull out at the right moment.
- Take note of movie quotes, clever sayings, and hilarious internet memes that match your sense of humor, and modify them to suit a phone conversation when possible.
Be yourself and have fun to be funnier. The key to making people laugh on the phone—and in life—is to relax and embrace laughter. Plus, it makes everything feel better. Try to see the humor in the small moments and share that with others, whether you’re chatting on the phone or face-to-face.
- Don’t hesitate to laugh at yourself and find the humor in life’s little slip-ups.
- Prioritize laughter, and soon you’ll hear more of it on the other end of the line!
