Buzz
Whether you're hoping your girlfriend responds to your text messages more quickly or want your friend to stop chewing with her mouth open, changing another person's behavior is often more challenging than you'd expect. While it's not impossible, there are only certain aspects of someone's actions that you can influence. Ultimately, the most effective changes you can make are those within yourself, which may in turn have a positive effect on those around you.
Process
Talking Through the Issue with the Individual
Define the behavior. Clearly identify the specific behavior you want to change in the other person. Vague requests like 'be less irritating' or 'text me more' are unlikely to be effective. Specify the exact behavior you want to modify and outline how you want it to change.
- For instance, instead of telling your friend to 'stop being annoying,' you might want to say that you want them to 'stop interrupting conversations they aren't part of.'
- Alternatively, if you'd like your partner to 'text more often,' specify that you want them to 'send you a good morning and good night message each day.'
Assess if the person is open to modifying their behavior. Ultimately, you can't compel someone to change. The only thing you have control over is changing yourself. This principle applies to both you and the individual you're hoping to influence. Observe whether the person desires to change and believes they are capable of it. Instead of directly asking, try to determine if there's a genuine willingness to change.
- In some cases, it may be helpful to ask the person's close friends or family members about their awareness of the behavior and what steps, if any, the person has taken toward change. For example, if the individual has attempted to quit smoking multiple times, they may be open to trying again with a new method. If they've tried before, they likely believed change was possible at that point.
- Pay attention to their language and general attitude toward life. If they make statements like “I’ll never lose weight,” or “I’m just not good with numbers,” they might not believe change is within their reach.
- If the person does want to change or seems open to the idea, you may have an opportunity to help them shift their behavior.
- However, if the person is not interested in changing, you may not be able to influence them at this time.
Express to the person that their behavior bothers you. The person may not realize how much their actions are affecting you. Choose a calm time to talk when you have the opportunity for an uninterrupted conversation and have already thought about what you want to say. Avoid raising your voice or becoming aggressive.
- Make it clear how their behavior makes you feel. For instance, say: “When you’re late, I feel unimportant, and it really hurts me.”
- Provide specific examples to highlight the impact. For example: “When you were late last week, we missed the start of the Bon Jovi concert, and I was upset because I love their music and those tickets weren’t cheap.”
- Ask for what you would prefer instead. For instance: “Next time you’re running late, could you please call me ahead of time?”
- Once you've communicated your feelings, refrain from pushing the point further. Repeating your message or nagging is unlikely to produce a positive result if they already understand your perspective.
Recognizing the Possibility of No Change
Understand what you can control. There are aspects of yourself that you can change, such as your words, tone, and actions. When trying to influence someone else, you're essentially modifying your own behavior in the hopes that it will encourage a change in them.
Accept that some things cannot be changed. Despite your best efforts, some people may not change. It's crucial to remember that you cannot force anyone to change if they don't want to. You can suggest ideas and express your concerns, but ultimately, you're a catalyst for change, not the change itself. No matter how many times you remind your friend to tie his shoelaces, it's up to him whether he listens or not.
Consider whether you can accept the person if their behavior doesn't change. Get comfortable with the possibility that the person may not alter their behavior, as it's possible that they won’t. How would it feel to simply live with it? Could you adjust your own attitude or actions to accommodate the person, or find ways to cope? Ask yourself if you can accept them as they are. If not, you may have to reconsider the relationship.
- If you can tolerate this behavior, try to minimize situations where it might occur. For example, if you dislike when your friend sings in the car, you might avoid long drives together or choose songs that are unfamiliar to them.
- Think about whether there are practical ways to work around the behavior. Could you, for instance, tell the person to meet you 30 minutes earlier than needed? Or if your complaint is about them not cleaning the litter box, perhaps buying a self-cleaning one might help. While these solutions don't address deeper issues (like the person not keeping promises), they might make it easier for you to accept them as they are.
- If you find you cannot live with the behavior, it may be time to cut ties. For instance, if your boyfriend’s drug use is out of control and you feel that living with him is damaging to your health, it’s important to consider ending the relationship for your own well-being.
Assisting in Changing the Behavior
Provide the person with information that might motivate them to change. Even if they know you dislike their behavior, simply your disapproval may not be enough to encourage change. Try offering information that highlights the negative effects of the habit, which may make it seem more undesirable.
- For instance, you might say: “Joanie, I’m not sure if you know this, but smoking can be really harmful and cause lung cancer. My uncle smoked for years and went through chemotherapy for lung cancer last year, and it was incredibly hard on our family.”
- If you’ve been holding in your frustrations or dropping subtle hints, these steps might help resolve the issue. Information alone may not change a habit, but when combined with your perspective as a trusted friend or family member, it might inspire someone to reconsider their behavior.
- Once you've expressed your concerns, step back and avoid over-emphasizing the issue. Continually bringing it up after they've heard you is unlikely to lead to a positive outcome.
Increase the person’s awareness of their negative behavior. They may not even realize they’re engaging in the behavior, making them more receptive to change. For example, if it annoys you when your friend chews with his mouth open, but he’s been doing it his whole life, he may not even notice. Gently remind them of their behavior and suggest how it can be improved. Be polite and considerate.
- You could say, “Ed, would you mind chewing with your mouth closed? The sound really bothers me.”
- Be kind, especially if the person isn’t aware of the issue. Avoid saying something like, “Ed, you chew like a cow. Stop it!”
- This method works best if the behavior is something the person does unconsciously. If you want your mom to quit smoking and point it out each time, this strategy probably won’t have much effect.
Offer positive reinforcement. Positive feedback is especially useful early on in the process of change, as it can make the person feel more motivated and help strengthen your relationship.
- For example, if you're encouraging your friend to join you at the gym, you could say, “I think you'd be great at this spin class, especially since you did so well in kickboxing last week. I’d have more fun if you joined me. How about we go on Tuesday?”
Reinforce positive behavior. When the person you're helping changes their behavior in the way you want, reward them! If your partner goes a week without smoking, treat him to something he enjoys, like a round of golf or a night of bowling. Be a source of encouragement, rather than criticism, when they make positive changes.
- Express your appreciation enthusiastically and generously in whatever way the person values. This could include kind words, physical affection (if appropriate), gifts, or doing something special for them. Make it clear that the positive behavior has a direct connection to your happiness and how much it improves their life as well.
Make good behaviors easier to achieve than bad ones. Changing habits isn’t about battling temptation. If your friend is trying to lose weight, don’t tempt her with ice cream on a Friday night. If you want your wife to be more punctual, give her plenty of time to get ready for a date night.
- For example, if your best friend is recovering from alcoholism, avoid throwing her birthday party at a bar or club where there’s a lot of temptation to drink. Instead, consider hosting it at a place where there’s less temptation, like a pottery painting studio or bowling alley.
Provide a support network. The success of this approach depends on the behavior you're trying to change. For goals like quitting smoking, losing weight, or overcoming addiction, a support group can help keep the person motivated and socially engaged in their efforts.
- Even for smaller changes, like helping your brother spend less money, you can get support from his close friends and family members. If they know about his goal, they can contribute in subtle ways to help him succeed.
- If the person struggles with a substance issue, like alcohol or drugs, they may find value in joining a support group, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, where they can connect with others facing similar challenges.
-
It’s easier to help someone change when you have a positive relationship. Avoid being overly negative! Remember the old saying, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”
Warnings
- If someone's actions are putting your safety at risk, it’s crucial to leave the relationship immediately and stay away for good.
- Be cautious of nagging. Constantly pestering someone rarely leads to positive change and often makes them feel criticized or attacked.
- Some behaviors are simply unchangeable. People can be resistant to change, and they may not be willing to alter certain aspects of themselves.
