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Throughout your life, you'll likely find yourself communicating on different levels. Whether you're interviewing for a job, beginning a new relationship, or working as part of a team, strong interpersonal skills are key. You've probably realized by now that much of your success is tied to your ability to communicate effectively, and that certain ways of interacting are more successful than others. To enhance your interpersonal skills, focus on improving your nonverbal communication, your interpersonal approach, and how you present yourself.
Instructions
Enhancing Your Interactions
Define your objectives. Are you getting the desired outcomes when engaging with others? Take a moment to reflect on a recent conversation. Did you achieve your goal (for instance, were you persuasive)? Did you feel that the other person truly understood your point of view? If not, reassess the strategies you use to achieve your desired results. Here are several powerful tactics to try:
- Be persuasive: appeal to the logical side of the other person. For instance, if you want your roommate to take out the trash, explain that you both need to share the household responsibilities and remind them that you took out the trash last time, so it's their turn.
- Use positive body language: if you're met with a cold response, try building a warm connection by leaning forward while speaking and showing active listening.
- Listen actively: don’t dominate the conversation. Pay attention to how you're responding and truly listen to your conversation partner. Allow pauses in the conversation and show you're engaged with cues like “go ahead,” “uh-huh,” and “really?”
- Be assertive in a calculated way: use “I-statements,” such as “I’m feeling overwhelmed.” Be careful not to overuse them or sound aggressive with “you-statements,” like “You’re making me really mad.”
Practice clear communication. Be direct and simple in your requests, avoiding complex or indirect messages. When possible, plan ahead and rehearse what you want to say so you can communicate efficiently and effortlessly. Clear communication not only helps others understand you better, but it also allows you to convey more information in less time.
- For instance, if you want to ask your boss for more responsibility at work, instead of saying, “Hello, if you think it's a good idea, I’ve been thinking about how I would like the opportunity to maybe take on more responsibilities and tasks within our workplace,” say, “I am hoping to take on more responsibilities as you see fit.”
Allow others to speak. People generally expect to be able to contribute equally in a conversation. Giving others a chance to speak means you should feel comfortable with brief pauses, but not for too long. Altercentrism, which is focusing on the other person during a conversation, makes a communicator appear more competent.
- For example, be mindful of how much you're talking. Has your story gone on for a while? Wrap it up and create a pause to signal it's the other person’s turn to speak.
Understand the qualities of effective communication. There are generally five key principles for successful communication: informativeness, relevance, honesty, politeness, and humility. People assume that when you speak, your communication will:
- provide information others did not know
- be pertinent and of interest to everyone involved
- be truthful (unless you’re using sarcasm or irony)
- meet social expectations, such as using “please” and “thank you”
- avoid boasting or self-centeredness
Shaping Others’ Perception of You
Establish common ground. This can help you and your conversation partner reach your objectives. Identify shared qualities and build on mutual understandings. For example, if you can’t agree on which restaurant to go to but both agree you’re hungry, use that shared need to find a solution.
- If your conversation partner struggles to recognize or accept the common ground, take a break and revisit the conversation later. You could say, “We’re both really hungry right now, so why don’t I pick the restaurant this time and you can choose next time.”
Avoid making assumptions. It's always better to be direct and clear when communicating with others. Making assumptions or presuming things can lead to misunderstandings and strain in relationships. For instance, if you're talking to someone who appears elderly and they ask you to repeat something you just said, don’t assume that they can't hear simply because of their age, and don’t just raise your voice to be understood.
- If the situation is unclear, try to clarify your partner's request before continuing. You could say, “Sorry, was I speaking too softly?”
Don’t force a conversation. No one enjoys feeling pressured or cornered. If you notice yourself trying to push the conversation or get the other person to comply with your wishes forcefully, step back and reassess your approach. Aim for persuasion and open communication, which will foster better long-term relationships and ensure more successful interactions.
- For example, if you plan a road trip with a friend and they have a pet emergency on the trip day and can’t go, rather than making them feel guilty, express your disappointment but offer help. Acknowledge the difficult situation they are in.
Enhancing Nonverbal Communication
Understand the elements of nonverbal communication. Nonverbal communication includes things like facial expressions, body language, and vocal tone (how your voice sounds, not just the words). Visual signals are often more crucial to interpret than auditory ones. People generally have an easier time interpreting facial expressions compared to body language.
- For instance, to convey happiness, it’s more effective to use facial expressions like smiling than to speak faster or show happy body language. Sometimes, it might be helpful to hide certain emotions (like fear) that you don't wish to express openly.
Recognize the significance of nonverbal communication. Studies suggest that up to 60% of meaning in interpersonal communication comes from nonverbal cues. To communicate successfully through nonverbal means, it’s essential to express emotions in ways that others will understand accurately.
- Start being mindful of both the nonverbal signals you send and those you receive from others during communication.
Master comfortable body language. In Western culture, to build a warm rapport, try these behaviors: lean forward, face the other person directly, use gestures, and vary your vocal pitch, speed, and volume. Actively listen by nodding, smiling, and avoiding interruptions. Stay relaxed, but not overly so.
- In other words, don’t slouch, but don’t be too stiff either. If you find yourself focusing too much on your body language, shift your focus to what the other person is saying instead.
Be aware of cultural differences. While welcoming body language may be appreciated in some cultures, it might not be in others. Strong nonverbal communication skills stem from understanding the cultural rules around emotional expressions. For instance, in Finnish culture, making eye contact is seen as a sign of friendliness, while in Japan, it can be interpreted as a sign of anger.
- If you're native to a particular culture, many of the nonverbal norms will come naturally. When communicating in a culture that’s unfamiliar to you, observe others closely to understand typical nonverbal behaviors.
Recognize the impact of gender on nonverbal communication. It’s helpful to understand gender differences when interpreting and sending nonverbal messages. Men and women express themselves nonverbally in distinct ways. Typically, women are more likely to use eye contact and smile, and are also more prone to both give and receive physical touch.
- Women tend to interrupt less, listen more, and are generally better at interpreting facial expressions than men.
Regulate your emotional expressions. This is a crucial aspect of successful communication. When overwhelmed with emotion, it can be useful to pause, take a deep breath, and regain a sense of calm. Be conscious of any tense signals you might be sending and work to relax your muscles: unclench your fists, avoid grinding your teeth, and ease any other tension in your body.
- In a study of Fortune 500 executives, those who could regulate their emotions and express them appropriately (like resisting the urge to cry when receiving criticism) were more likely to build trust with others.
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Not all “I-statements” are received well. Studies indicate that “I-messages” can come across as hostile when paired with expressions of anger, such as “I am getting angry.”
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Instead of anger, you might express frustration or upset with I-statements like “I am getting frustrated” or “I am feeling upset,” as these are more likely to encourage cooperation from others.
