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Do you suspect someone close to you might be a covert narcissist and aren't sure how to navigate the situation? While overt narcissists often flaunt their superiority, covert narcissists are more subtle and harder to detect. In this guide, we’ll help you recognize covert narcissistic traits and share strategies for managing these relationships. Keep reading for practical steps on how to handle a covert narcissist.
This piece features insights from licensed professional clinical counselor Jay Reid. Read the full interview here.
Action Plan
Recognizing a Covert Narcissist
They often disregard others' emotions. Narcissists typically lack empathy, making it difficult for them to value others' experiences or feelings. You might talk with a covert narcissist for an hour without them once inquiring about you. Other telltale behaviors include:
- Failing to show up for plans or appointments
- Expecting special treatment without considering your needs
- Only helping if there’s something in it for them
They mask arrogance with false modesty. Covert narcissists may hide behind self-deprecating humor, using jokes to deflect attention from traits they dislike. Deep down, though, they still carry the narcissistic belief that others are inferior in intelligence, worth, or competence. Watch for these subtle signs:
- Snide or sarcastic remarks about others' skills
- Grandiose, unfounded claims like “I’m the top performer here”
- A refusal to consider others' viewpoints
They carefully choose company that feeds their ego. Much like overt narcissists, covert narcissists depend on constant praise from those around them. Their inner circle is often filled with people who never challenge or question them.
- If no one in their group ever disagrees with them, that’s a red flag.
- Since narcissists feel emotionally fragile, they often seek validation from people who won’t threaten their self-image.
They lash out when given feedback. Even well-meaning criticism can feel unbearable to a narcissist. The idea that someone sees them as flawed can provoke extreme emotional reactions. They might become angry, defensive, or dramatically upset.
- Covert narcissists frequently adopt the victim role, saying things like, “Why is everyone always attacking me?” even in response to gentle suggestions.
They use gaslighting to confuse and control. Rather than confronting directly, covert narcissists often manipulate through passive-aggressive tactics designed to make you question your perception. This emotional abuse, known as gaslighting, aims to distort your reality.
- In a romantic setting, they might say, “I don’t know where you got the idea that I liked you.”
- At work, they could claim, “You should’ve communicated better if you needed help with this task.”
- If you feel confused or invalidated, reach out to someone you trust to help clarify the situation and validate your experience.
How to Deal with a Covert Narcissist
Remind yourself that their actions aren’t your fault. Don’t internalize the hurtful behavior of a covert narcissist—it stems from their own emotional wounds. If they’re making you feel unworthy, that reflects more on them than on you.
- When they mistreat you, consider why others don’t act the same. It can reinforce the truth that their view of you isn’t accurate.
- If their behavior is affecting your self-esteem or peace of mind, grounding techniques like meditation or mindfulness can help you rebuild emotional strength.
Stand firm when they try to silence you. Narcissists often use dominance tactics to quiet others. Assert your voice and hold your space. When they see you won’t back down, they may begin to acknowledge your presence more.
- “I appreciate your opinion. Now, I’d like to share mine.”
- “I’ve listened to you. Please give me the same courtesy.”
- “I hear your view. Now, allow me a moment to respond.”
Establish clear boundaries to reclaim your power. Use empathic confrontation to set limits. Acknowledge their perspective, but define what’s acceptable to you. This method helps you regain control over the relationship.
- “I get that you’re stressed at work, but belittling our colleagues isn’t okay. If it keeps happening, I’ll need to report it.”
- “I know you care, but putting me down in public is hurtful. If it happens again, I’ll remove myself from the situation.”
- “I understand you're trying to support me, but when you interrupt me constantly, I feel ignored. If this continues during our calls, I’ll have to hang up.”
Create emotional space to protect your well-being. Covert narcissists may guilt-trip you for taking distance, but stepping back is often necessary. Recognizing their limitations can help you approach the relationship with clarity and strength.
- Emotional space can take many forms. For instance, you might decide to reduce calls to a family member, saying, “I think it’s best if I check in monthly for now.”
- Or you might choose to end a friendship with a covert narcissist entirely.
Invest your time in healthier connections. Being close to a narcissist can cloud your sense of what a healthy relationship looks like. Spend time with those who treat you with respect and kindness—these relationships can re-center your emotional balance.
- Supportive friends and family can also help you see your situation clearly. Talking to them can give you perspective and reassurance.
Consider therapy to recover from the impact of a narcissistic relationship. While covert narcissists are unlikely to seek professional help themselves, therapy can be a powerful tool for you. It offers a space to unpack the emotional toll of the relationship and rebuild your self-worth, while also helping you develop strategies for navigating future interactions.
