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Identify gaslighting and learn how to defend yourself
Gaslighting can be summed up as someone making you question your emotional responses. Sometimes it’s deliberate—done with full awareness. Other times, it stems from unconscious motives, like self-protection or unmet needs. Explore the various types of gaslighting and learn how to respond with confidence.
This piece draws from insights shared by licensed marriage and family therapist Fernando Campos, founder of Avant-Garde Therapy. Click here to read the full interview.
Key Points to Remember
- Gaslighting involves lies meant to make you question your thoughts and emotions—it's a serious form of emotional abuse and manipulation.
- It can distort your sense of reality, leading you to wrongly accept blame for the gaslighter’s harmful actions.
- Healing starts by distancing yourself from the gaslighter and reconnecting with people who truly support you.
Actionable Steps
Deceptive Lying
They deny the truth even when it's right in front of them. Gaslighting isn't just telling a lie—it’s about relentlessly defending it. A gaslighter won’t back down, even if you show undeniable evidence. They’ll ignore facts and might even turn the situation against you.
- They might say: "That’s not real proof," "Someone else made that up," "If you really loved me, you'd take my word for it."
- How to respond: Express that the deception itself is more painful than the subject of the lie. Try to guide them toward the truth by offering understanding, like saying, "If you're scared of being honest, I won't judge you for it."
Dismissing Emotions
They make your emotions seem insignificant or irrational. To the gaslighter, your feelings don't matter—they’ll try to convince you they’re exaggerated or wrong. Their goal is to make you distrust your emotional experiences.
- They might say: "You're being ridiculous," "You're way too emotional," "You always make a big deal out of nothing."
- How to respond: Step back to gather yourself if needed. Remind yourself your feelings are valid. Reach out to someone you trust for support—they can help you feel seen and understood.
Twisting the Truth
They twist the story to make your emotions seem unjustified. A gaslighter rewrites events to cast themselves as the victim and you as the irrational one. They reject your version of reality and create a false one that suits their narrative. This tactic often goes hand-in-hand with lying, as they craft a distorted version of the truth.
- They might say: "You're remembering it wrong," "You always exaggerate things," "You're imagining things."
- How to respond: Recognize that they may genuinely believe their version, even if it’s inaccurate. You can respond with, "I see why you might think that." Stay composed, and don’t waste energy arguing—they likely won’t change their mind, and your peace is more important.
Shifting Blame
They refuse accountability and point fingers at others. A gaslighter rarely owns up to their actions. Instead, they redirect blame—often toward you or the people close to you—as a way to manipulate your perspective and isolate you.
- They might say: "You made me do this," "She’s the reason things went wrong," "It’s your friends’ fault we argue."
- How to respond: Understand that blame-shifting is a defense mechanism. Let them know you're open to moving forward, but only if they’re willing to accept their part in the situation.
Emotional Manipulation
They chip away at your confidence to gain control. With a gaslighter, you start to feel like you're always wrong. Over time, your self-worth takes a hit, and you begin doubting your instincts. In seeking their approval, you may end up doing things you'd never choose on your own. This sometimes overlaps with blame-shifting—they may claim you can fix their harmful behavior by giving in to their demands.
- They might say: "Maybe if you looked better, I wouldn’t be tempted," "If you cared about me, you'd say yes," "This is happening because you’re not doing enough."
- How to respond: If you’re being pressured into things that don’t align with your values, it’s time to walk away. Prioritize your safety and talk to someone you trust about making a plan to leave.
Healing After Gaslighting
Lean on your support network of trusted friends and family. Your loved ones can affirm your experiences and remind you of your worth. Their outside insight helps you see the truth and rebuild your confidence so you're better equipped to resist manipulation.
- This is crucial if the gaslighter has tried to cut you off from those close to you, as isolation makes their tactics more effective.
- Having even one person affirm that you're not overreacting can be deeply empowering and grounding.
Prioritize caring for yourself. This is the moment to focus on your well-being, especially if you've been neglecting yourself for the sake of the gaslighter. Even if self-love feels undeserved right now, show up for yourself anyway—it’ll get easier with time.
- Begin by improving your sleep. Stress often disrupts rest, but being well-rested will improve your mood and energy, helping you regain stability.
Put your thoughts into a letter to the gaslighter. Writing allows you to express yourself calmly, without interruptions or pressure. It gives you control over your voice and helps you say exactly what needs to be said.
- A written message creates a tangible account, making it harder for them to twist the narrative later.
- Since they can't respond immediately, they have time to digest your message and possibly reply more thoughtfully.
Cut off communication with the gaslighter wherever possible. Continued contact gives them a chance to manipulate you again. Protect your mental health by disconnecting—block their numbers, emails, and social accounts so they can't reach out and reestablish control.
- Inform any mutual connections that you no longer wish to hear from or about them. You don’t need to explain—just set the boundary.
- If you must stay in touch because of shared responsibilities like work or kids, keep communication strictly limited to essentials. Don’t engage in anything personal—they’ll try to reel you back in.
Consider working with a mental health professional. If you're constantly second-guessing your emotions or perceptions, a trained therapist can support you in rebuilding your confidence. There’s no shame in seeking help—it’s a powerful step toward reclaiming your life. Look for therapists in your area who specialize in helping those affected by gaslighting.
- Therapy is a journey that requires openness and effort. Arrive with a willingness to grow, and your therapist will guide you in regaining your mental and emotional clarity.
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If you feel you’re being gaslit, take a break from the situation. Step away briefly to collect your thoughts and settle your emotions. Once you return with a level head, you'll be less susceptible to manipulation.
Cautionary Notes
- Avoid making snap judgments based on instinct alone. If you suspect gaslighting, jot down the events as they happen. Later, when you're calm, review your notes to better assess the situation with clarity and objectivity.
