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Understanding the science behind attraction and its impact on your relationships
An age-old saying claims that “opposites attract,” while another argues that “birds of a feather flock together.” Which of these holds true when it comes to romance? Research suggests that sharing core values is key to a lasting relationship, but that doesn’t mean opposite traits can’t be captivating! Keep reading as we explore the psychology of attraction to understand why we feel drawn to certain people, and also examine the potential advantages and disadvantages of dating someone who differs from you.
Key Insights
- Attraction to opposites can occur, particularly at the beginning of a relationship, where contrasting traits might seem more thrilling or intriguing, or even “forbidden.”
- Yet, shared traits often contribute to a more lasting relationship, particularly when it comes to values, goals, and ethical beliefs.
- Couples who align on core values and aspirations, while possessing distinct but complementary personalities, are more likely to build a successful long-term relationship.
Guidelines
Do opposites truly attract?
Occasionally, but common values and goals contribute more to a lasting relationship. Opposites might seem more appealing at first or on a surface level: someone with contrasting traits might appear more intriguing or captivating, or they may be attractive because they feel ‘forbidden.’ Yet, numerous studies suggest that while initial differences may spark excitement, it's the alignment of values, goals, and ethical beliefs that truly strengthen a relationship over time.
- In long-term partnerships, different yet complementary personalities can actually prove beneficial, as demonstrated by sociologist Robert Francis Winch in a 1950s study.
- By 'complementary personalities,' we mean a person's qualities positively challenging their partner, compensating for a trait the partner lacks, or enhancing an opposing trait in the partner.
- People may also find themselves subconsciously attracted to partners who share similar physical characteristics.
Licensed Clinical Psychologist Chloe Carmichael, PhD is engaging in this topic with others in the Mytour Forums.
The Advantages of Dating Someone Different
It teaches you to compromise. Every relationship requires some level of sacrifice, even if you’re with someone who shares all your traits (and how dull would that be?). The greater the differences between you and your partner, the more you'll need to learn the art of compromise. While this might seem like a challenge, it presents a wonderful opportunity for personal growth and character development. Finding common ground and dropping your defenses is always a strength, not a weakness.
You become more patient and empathetic. Similar to the point above, when you’re with someone who views the world in a completely different way, you’re almost forced to cultivate patience, tolerance, and understanding. These are important qualities that will serve you well, even if the relationship eventually fades (which statistically, may happen).
It’s a great opportunity to broaden your perspective. Being with someone who sees the world differently can be challenging, but it’s an opportunity to learn how and why others think and act as they do. For example, you may have once struggled to understand certain political views, but regular discussions with someone who holds opposing views might help you expand your mind, even if you don't change your own stance.
It’s thrilling. Let’s be honest: there’s something exhilarating about novelty. While you may not want to ride a roller coaster all day, the brief moments of excitement are unforgettable. Similarly, dating someone completely different might not last, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be exciting while it does.
- And who knows? Even if, statistically, similar people pair up, your relationship might be one of those rare exceptions, like “Beauty and the Beast.”
Challenges of Dating Your Opposite
It’s often not sustainable. If you're seeking a long-term commitment, the unfortunate reality is that dating someone who is your total opposite is likely to end in heartbreak. That doesn’t mean it’s without meaning, and relationships are valuable even if they don’t last. However, it’s something to consider as you enter into it.
Increased likelihood of disagreements. The greater the differences between you and your partner, the higher the chances of conflict, no matter how much you care for each other. This can be a huge drain on your time, energy, and mood. The more frequent the arguments, the greater the emotional distance, potentially leading to contempt and criticism—two of psychologist John Gottman’s Four Horsemen, which are predictors of a breakup.
You might have significantly different lifestyles and aspirations. Ultimately, if you and your partner are so different that you lack a shared vision for the future, it’s likely that your relationship will come to an end. This doesn’t mean dating someone with differing goals isn’t worthwhile—it can still be a valuable experience. However, if you’re looking for someone for the long term, experts recommend finding a partner with similar goals and lifestyle.
What factors influence attraction?
Shared values, ethics, and beliefs When it comes to values, including political views, people often gravitate toward those with similar attitudes. Studies have shown that we tend to find people with aligned views more intelligent, moral, and informed than those who have opposing views.
- Specifically, people tend to form relationships with others who share their opinions on matters like abortion, gay marriage, religion, and the role of government in citizens’ lives.
Complementary personalities Research suggests that some people are attracted to partners with complementary traits. When considering the “big 5” personality traits—openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism—couples may thrive with lower levels of similarity. For example, a dominant person might struggle with another dominant personality, while an introvert could benefit from being with a more outgoing partner.
- That said, some studies suggest people often seek partners with similar personalities, and many people are naturally attracted to individuals with the same personality traits.
- Others are simply more drawn to certain personalities, whether they’re the same, different, or complementary.
The thrill of newness and excitement There's a reason the start of any relationship is often the most electrifying part—whether opposites attract or not. Everything feels fresh and captivating, and even if you later realize you have a lot in common (or find that you don’t share enough), those initial moments are full of discovery and wonder. When you meet someone you’re drawn to, your brain releases PEA (phenylethylamine), triggering a boost in dopamine and norepinephrine, the neurochemicals responsible for the high of lust and love.
- As your relationship deepens and you get to know each other more, the sense of novelty might transition into a more stable, enduring love. Still, couples can keep the excitement alive by spicing things up in the bedroom or trying new activities together.
Attachment styles Attachment theory suggests that our early relationships, often with caregivers, can shape the way we connect with romantic partners in adulthood. Babies who were nurtured by dependable and comforting caregivers typically go on to form more stable relationships as adults. On the other hand, those with inconsistent or neglectful caregivers may struggle with forming healthy adult relationships. There are four main attachment styles:
- Secure attachment: People with secure attachment styles, having been raised by reliable caregivers, are more likely to seek out partners with similar secure attachment styles.
- Anxious attachment: Individuals with anxious attachment styles, often raised by caregivers who were inconsistent, may grow up to be more dependent and distrustful in relationships. They may subconsciously gravitate toward partners with avoidant attachment styles.
- Avoidant attachment: These highly independent individuals, often raised by dismissive caregivers, learn not to rely on others. They tend to be attracted to anxiously attached partners.
- Disorganized attachment: This style typically arises from a chaotic or traumatic childhood with erratic caregiver relationships. People with disorganized attachment styles may crave close relationships but also push people away when things get too intimate.
Similar backgrounds When it comes to key identity traits, such as age, intelligence, education, and religion, people tend to gravitate toward those who share similar characteristics. In fact, couples from different cultural or racial backgrounds may find deeper connections through these common traits.
- eHarmony, a dating site, supports this idea: while couples may initially be attracted to their differences, it's their shared similarities that help maintain long-lasting connections.
Pheromones Research suggests that some people are biologically drawn to each other based on pheromones—chemicals released in sweat. While it's debated whether this phenomenon exists in humans (since pheromones have only been conclusively identified in animals), growing evidence points to it being real: you might just find your perfect match through scent.
- Although many use fragrances to enhance their attractiveness, science indicates that it’s your natural scent mixed with the fragrance that creates the allure. The same perfume smells different depending on whose skin it's on.
Kindness While physical appearance can certainly catch someone's eye at a bar, your attitude makes all the difference. Whether you're smiling and approachable or coming across as cold and negative, your demeanor impacts your attractiveness. Being kind, honest, and positive has been shown to enhance attractiveness significantly.
Concluding Thoughts
Opposites can still build meaningful, lasting connections. While shared values are often key to long-term happiness in a relationship, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to failure if you’re dating someone who seems like your total opposite. Don’t shy away from taking a chance on someone who might initially appear mismatched. A person with a contrasting personality or different perspective can challenge you, spark excitement, and push you beyond your comfort zone. It’s even possible that you’ll eventually discover you have more in common than you first thought!
Join the Conversation...
I’ve often found myself drawn to people who are very different from me, but when I think about dating someone with such different traits, I imagine it could get frustrating quickly! So I’m curious—has anyone here dated someone who was their ‘opposite’? What was that experience like, and would you recommend it? Also, if you’ve dated someone who was just like you…did it get boring? Haha
