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When you feel undervalued or completely ignored by your partner, it can negatively impact both your relationship and your personal wellbeing. While you can't make your partner appreciate you more, maintaining calm, open, and consistent dialogues on this topic could bring positive changes. It’s equally important to show gratitude towards yourself and the life you lead, which is something within your control!
Steps
Expressing Your Emotions
Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings clearly but kindly. Never assume your partner can read your mind about feeling unappreciated—let them know! When you share your feelings, avoid using accusatory “you” statements. Instead, use “I” statements to explain how you’re feeling.
- For example, instead of saying, “You don’t appreciate any of the work I do around the house,” say, “I feel unappreciated when the work I do around the house is overlooked.”
- Try to stay calm and collected when expressing your feelings. It's best to wait for a moment when both of you can engage in an open conversation with the right mindset.
Point out the potential outcomes without pleading or making demands. After you’ve expressed your feelings of being underappreciated with one or more “I” statements, follow up by gently addressing possible consequences. Keep in mind that “consequences” doesn’t mean giving an ultimatum, though that could be the case in some situations—you simply need to make clear where things might lead.
- For instance: “I feel resentful because of the lack of appreciation, and I’m concerned that this could damage our relationship permanently.”
- Or: “I fear that this relationship might not be worth continuing if nothing changes.”
Listen attentively and allow your partner to respond. While you can’t predict how your partner will react, it’s crucial to give them the space to do so. Their reaction might range from surprise to remorse, anger, or even defensiveness. As long as the response isn’t threatening or harmful, allow them to express their feelings.
- Don’t interrupt, even if you strongly disagree with their viewpoint—for example, if they argue that they “show you much more appreciation” than you ever show them.
- Unless they go completely off track, try to be understanding of their initial response. It’s tough to hear that your partner feels unappreciated.
- By showing that you’re listening and value their perspective, you’ll increase the chances of moving forward positively.
Support your partner if they want to improve. This is the ideal situation, so be prepared to help them make it happen! If your partner apologizes and promises to do better, acknowledge their goal and offer tangible support.
- For instance: “I appreciate your apology, and I’m glad you’re committed to making changes. Can we discuss strategies to improve how we express appreciation and gratitude?”
- If they want to seek professional help, like seeing a counselor, you could show support by assisting in finding a therapist or adjusting your schedule to help them attend their appointments.
Keep communication open as an ongoing process. Don’t expect to resolve everything in one conversation! If your partner is willing, make an effort to engage in honest, frequent discussions about this issue and others that will inevitably arise in your relationship.
- For example: “I’m really glad we had this conversation, and I think it might help. Can we set aside some time each week to talk about our feelings?”
Follow through with the consequences if nothing changes. Unfortunately, your partner may not be willing to make the necessary changes. If that’s the case, it’s vital to uphold the consequences you outlined when you raised the issue of feeling unappreciated. This might be very hard, especially if it leads to the end of the relationship, but you must prioritize your emotional health.
- It can be tough, but it’s possible to maintain a somewhat healthy relationship even if you feel undervalued. Be honest with yourself about the costs and benefits of staying in the relationship versus ending it.
- If you are experiencing physical or emotional abuse alongside the lack of appreciation, it’s crucial to leave the relationship for your own safety and well-being.
Fostering Appreciation
Demonstrate the appreciation you want to receive. You might feel that you already show your partner plenty of appreciation, but it’s worth taking a step back and honestly evaluating the situation. Is your frustration about not being appreciated leading you to withhold your own appreciation? Could you do more to model the appreciative behavior you hope to see from your partner?
- Withholding appreciation as a form of punishment is unlikely to help and could worsen the situation. Instead of contributing to a negative cycle, aim to raise the standard for showing appreciation.
- Expressing gratitude is simple! (Which makes it even more frustrating when your partner doesn’t do it!) A sincere “thank you” can make a world of difference, and try incorporating “I appreciate” when possible: “I really appreciate your help with the laundry today.”
Show appreciation by occasionally putting your partner’s needs first. A fulfilling relationship is built on compromise, sacrifice, and mutual give-and-take. Part of modeling the appreciation you want involves prioritizing your partner’s needs. However, it’s important to recognize that you should not do this all the time—you have the right to prioritize your own needs too!
- Putting your partner first could be something small, like letting them choose where to eat. Or it could involve a significant decision, such as relocating for their job. If you're feeling unappreciated, don’t feel compelled to make life-changing sacrifices until your partner proves willing to make positive changes!
Reinforce genuine appreciation with positive, specific feedback. Positive reinforcement works better than negative feedback, whether it’s for a child, a pet, or an unappreciative partner! Instead of pointing out when they fail to show appreciation, highlight and praise every instance when they do. This will encourage them to seek more of this positive feedback!
- Be specific about what they did that earned your praise: “I really appreciate that you drove my mom to her doctor’s appointment today, Devon.”
Show appreciation in ways that suit you both. Expressing gratitude isn’t just about saying the words, and according to the concept of “love languages,” either you or your partner may respond better to different methods. Talk with your partner about the types of appreciation that resonate with each of you. The five “love languages” include:
- Words of affirmation. Verbal expressions of gratitude are most effective.
- Quality time. Spend time together doing something your partner enjoys as a way of showing appreciation.
- Acts of service. Perform actions that demonstrate appreciation.
- Physical touch. Depending on your partner, this could range from gentle cuddling to more intimate physical contact!
- Receiving gifts. A thoughtful gift can express appreciation, but the act of giving is just as significant.
Try a list-making exercise to explore appreciation with your partner. This is a variation of a couples counseling exercise, substituting “appreciated” for “loved.” Each person creates and shares a list of statements starting with: “I feel appreciated when you...,” and a list beginning with: “I would feel more appreciated if you...” After exchanging lists, take turns standing and sharing the actions you’ll take to show more appreciation.
- For example: “I feel appreciated when you volunteer to wash the dishes after dinner.”
- And: “I would feel more appreciated if you said ‘thank you’ more often, and sincerely.”
- Then: “I’ll show more appreciation by giving you space to unwind after work.”
Self-Appreciation
Set aside time daily to reflect on the things you're grateful for. Think of this as the first half of a two-part “appreciation exercise.” Dedicate a moment each day to think of (or jot down) 5-10 things you appreciate about your life.
- For example, you might express gratitude for your health, your family, your pet, your job, and the community you live in.
- By taking a few minutes to focus on what you appreciate, you'll be in a better mental space to understand why you too deserve recognition and appreciation.
Affirm daily that you are deserving of appreciation. This is the second part of your appreciation exercise. After identifying what you appreciate, speak, write, or think to yourself about why you are deserving of appreciation. Consider both the inherent worthiness you have and specific actions that deserve recognition.
- For instance, you might tell yourself: “I appreciate all the good in my life and in those around me, and I am worthy of appreciation too.”
- You could also add: “I deserve recognition because I work hard to ensure our home runs smoothly.”
Prioritize a consistent self-care routine to recharge and restore your energy. Taking time for yourself when needed is not selfish. Consider setting aside regular time for self-care, but also remain flexible to take care of yourself whenever necessary. Activities like meditation, yoga, nature walks, spa days, hobbies, gardening, DIY projects, long baths, or reading a good book may work—find what recharges you the most!
- If your partner objects, express your needs gently: “I need this time alone to relax and refresh, so I can be more present and positive when we’re together.”
Reflect on areas you can improve without self-blame. Be careful not to tell yourself that your lack of appreciation is solely your fault! Instead, focus on what is within your control and what might be preventing you from feeling appreciated. Strive for positive growth, and remember to appreciate your efforts.
- For example, do you sometimes misinterpret your partner’s attempts at showing appreciation? If so, can you open yourself up to accepting appreciation in different forms while still communicating that you need to feel recognized?
Enhance your self-appreciation with professional support. Ultimately, you cannot control whether your partner offers you the appreciation you deserve, but you can control how you treat yourself. Seeking guidance from a therapist can be a great way to nurture self-appreciation.
- Consult your doctor for therapist referrals, especially someone experienced with issues similar to yours.
- Your therapist may introduce techniques like visualization, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and other strategies to help you develop stronger self-esteem and self-appreciation.
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Understand that your relationship is one-of-a-kind, which means it may not follow the same patterns or require the same solutions as others. However, mutual appreciation is crucial for fostering a healthy, stable, and joyful relationship.
