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Gaslighting is a subtle and dangerous form of manipulation that makes you question your perception of reality. You might find yourself doubting your thoughts and feelings even when you’re certain of them. Here’s a breakdown of common gaslighting phrases, and more importantly, how to recognize and shut them down effectively.
This article draws from the expertise of clinical psychologist, Lena Dicken. Discover the full interview here.
This article draws from the expertise of clinical psychologist, Lena Dicken. Discover the full interview here.
Key Insights
- Gaslighting tactics are designed to manipulate your sense of reality, making it harder for you to trust your own perceptions, which ultimately helps the gaslighter maintain control.
- A gaslighter may diminish your feelings or experiences by saying things like “You’re being overly sensitive” or “It’s not a big deal.”
- Learn how to stand up to gaslighting by staying calm, asserting your rights, and reminding yourself of your strengths.
Actionable Steps
"That's not how things went down."
A gaslighter will attempt to make you question your version of reality. Gaslighting is a manipulative and harmful tactic aimed at gaining control over someone. To achieve this, the gaslighter will try to make you doubt what you know to be true, forcing you to rely solely on their narrative. Their goal is for you to abandon your own perspective and accept theirs as fact.
- How to handle it: Stay grounded in what you know is true. Resist their attempts to make you doubt yourself. When they push back, assert yourself with statements like, "I was there" or "I know what happened." It can also be helpful to talk to a friend or a trusted individual to gain an outsider's viewpoint.
"You're just overreacting."
Gaslighters will try to convince you that your emotions are invalid. It's all about control. They want to manipulate your emotions, making you feel like your reactions are unreasonable. By doing this, they undermine your feelings and try to push their own agenda.
- How to respond: Set clear boundaries for how disagreements should be handled. For example, use "I statements" to express your needs directly, and also ask for their input: "I need to express myself, so I’d appreciate it if you respected that. What do you need from me?"
"You're out of your mind."
Gaslighting tactics may make you second-guess your own judgment. The goal of a gaslighter is to make you feel confused and insecure about yourself, giving them an upper hand in the relationship. They often use words like “crazy,” “insane,” and “delusional” to undermine your sense of reality.
- How to handle it: Stand your ground and remain logical by asserting, “I know what I saw, and I’m not losing my mind. In the future, it would be helpful if we could avoid insults.” This not only affirms your feelings, but it also sends a message that they can’t manipulate you.
“You’re just too sensitive.”
A gaslighter may use your emotions against you. There's nothing wrong with being emotional or showing empathy, but a gaslighter might try to twist your sensitivity into something negative. If you shed tears during an argument or express your feelings by saying, “I’m hurt by this,” they might accuse you of being “too weak” or overly emotional.
- How to respond: Acknowledge that it's perfectly acceptable to feel deeply. Reaffirm this to them or remind yourself: “Yes, I have intense emotions, and that's just part of being human.”
Mytour Quiz: Are You Experiencing Gaslighting?
Do you think someone in your life—whether it’s a partner, friend, family member, or co-worker—might be gaslighting you? Gaslighting is a tactic aimed at causing someone to doubt their perception of reality and is a form of emotional manipulation. It can leave you feeling utterly confused and vulnerable, making it difficult to even recognize when it's happening. To assist you in clarifying your situation, we’ve designed a quiz to help you reflect on your experiences and decide what actions to take next in your relationship.
This is one of twelve.
How frequently do they label you as ‘crazy,’ ‘overly emotional,’ or use another hurtful term?
“Stop making a big deal out of it.”
A manipulator may try to convince you that you’re overreacting. If someone is trying to manipulate you, they’ll use phrases designed to make you second-guess yourself. Terms like “overreacting,” “making too much of it,” or “thinking too much” are commonly used to cause self-doubt.
- How to react: Stay composed and take a step back by saying, “I need some time to reflect on what happened and ensure I’m not overreacting. Can we talk again after we both have had some time to cool off?” This will allow you to regain control of the situation and prepare what you want to say next.
- Remember, manipulation tactics often succeed more easily when emotions are running high, rather than when you’re calm and collected.
“It was just a joke!”
For many gaslighters, hurtful comments are disguised as "jokes." When a gaslighter says something damaging to you, they often follow it up with this phrase if they notice you becoming upset. They attempt to shift the blame onto you, making you think you can’t handle a “harmless” joke.
- How to respond: Let them know you don’t find their “jokes” funny and that they make you uncomfortable: "You may see it differently, but I find it disrespectful. And I know you don’t want me to feel that way, so I’d appreciate it if you could be more considerate in the future." If they continue to dismiss your feelings after you've expressed them, it might be time to walk away.
“Are you accusing me?”
Gaslighters often deflect responsibility by changing the topic. Even the smallest hint of an accusation can make them defensive. They’ll rarely admit wrongdoing because they don’t want to feel guilty. Instead of owning up to their actions, they'd prefer to make you feel guilty for questioning them.
- How to respond: Take a deep breath, stay calm, and clearly state your position using "I statements:" “No, I think we both need to address the issue,” or “Yes, I believe there are things you could’ve handled better.”
“You’re the one to blame for this.”
Gaslighters will often shift the blame onto you. A gaslighter will rarely admit when they’re wrong (even if it’s obvious), especially if it doesn’t benefit their agenda. They may try to place the blame on you to make you feel worse about yourself.
- How to respond: Stay composed and try to steer the conversation back by saying something like, “I hope we can work through this together without pointing fingers.”
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Which response method do you find most effective when dealing with a gaslighter?
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Start the QuizDiscover More Quizzes“Let’s forgive and forget.”
If a situation doesn't align with a gaslighter's agenda, they lose interest. A gaslighter might abruptly change the direction of an argument to distract you. They could raise their hands and say this phrase, hoping to move past the topic, especially if they start to feel cornered.
- How to respond: Remember, you don't have to accept their demand to stop the conversation. If you still need clarity, say something like, “Before we end this, I need to clarify something…”
“You’re not perfect, either.”
A gaslighter may attempt to bring you down to their level. In the midst of an argument, they'll flip your words back on you, making it seem like you're expecting them to be flawless, even accusing you of being imperfect too.
- How to respond: Reply calmly but assertively with something like, “I don’t claim to be flawless. I'm just asking for your attention and understanding.” This can help show that they can't manipulate you.
"It's no big deal."
Gaslighters may downplay a situation to make you feel like you're overreacting. They will trivialize something that’s important to you in an effort to diminish your feelings and manipulate your perception. This tactic allows them to assert control and power, as you begin to doubt your own judgment.
- Response approach: Recognize your right to discuss matters that affect you. Calmly express why you consider it significant by openly sharing your feelings and thoughts.
SHARE YOUR OPINION WITH US
How do you usually feel after experiencing gaslighting?
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Start the QuizExplore More Quizzes“I was just trying to assist you.”
Gaslighters often pretend to be heroes to gain your sympathy. Ultimately, they are seeking attention. By making you believe that their actions are purely for your benefit, they can divert your focus, sympathy, and affection. This allows them to avoid accountability for their behavior, as they can argue it was out of love or friendship.
- How to react: Keep your acknowledgment brief and refocus the conversation by starting with, “That may be true, but…” For example, you might respond, “That may be true, but I’d like to make that decision on my own.”
"Why can't you be more like __?"
Gaslighters know that when you feel insecure, you're easier to control. This is a tactic designed to distract you from their manipulation. They may also provoke you into getting upset, so they can accuse you of overreacting.
- How to respond: First, stop comparing yourself to others—you're amazing, and if they want to make you doubt that, it’s their issue. Then, firmly explain why their comment is inappropriate: "I’m not perfect, but I’m doing my best here, and it feels like you’re trying to make me feel bad about myself."
"You’re always right, aren’t you?"
A gaslighter wants you to believe that you're the problem. Even the slightest critique or comment can set off a gaslighter. They likely want you to feel like it’s your way or nothing, when in reality, you know it’s their way or nothing.
- How to respond: Stick to the subject when speaking with a gaslighter. Keep the conversation focused and avoid getting caught in their attempts to dismiss you. You might say something like, "No, that’s not the case. But in this instance, I know what I saw."
"This is why you don’t have friends."
When a gaslighter is desperate, they'll exploit your vulnerabilities. A gaslighter will consistently tear you down in an attempt to make themselves feel superior, leaving you feeling inferior. This tactic is how they invade your mind. If no one else values you, they make it seem like they do, right?
- How to respond: Remind yourself of your incredible strengths and qualities—you are exceptional. You're so remarkable that you deserve to be surrounded by people who lift you up, not ones who break you down. Let the gaslighter know this behavior is not acceptable: "I won't stand for you deliberately trying to make me feel bad. I won’t allow this in the future."
“Who do you think they'll believe?”
A gaslighter may attempt to trap you when threatened. If you confront a gaslighter, they will go to great lengths to silence you. For example, if you plan to reveal their actions, they will use their position of power and social influence to make you feel powerless.
- How to respond: Stand firm in your truth by saying, “I know what I witnessed. I know what I heard. I know what occurred.” And remember that if a close connection is trying to isolate or manipulate you, it is entirely unacceptable. Reach out to a trusted friend or family member for support.
“You made me do it.”
If they can, a gaslighter will place the blame for bad actions on you. No matter what a gaslighter does, they will insist that you are the one at fault. This is their method of making you question yourself and reevaluate your choices while excusing their own negative behavior.
- How to respond: Recognize that you are not in the wrong, and calmly explain the situation from your perspective. You haven’t coerced them into anything, and it might be time to walk away. “We are both adults, and I haven’t forced you to do anything.”
Not everyone who uses these expressions is necessarily a gaslighter. Before jumping to conclusions about your parent, partner, or friend being a gaslighter, it's important to look for other signs of gaslighting and think about the context of your interactions.
If you feel you're in a gaslighting situation, writing down your experiences can help you reflect on them when you're feeling emotionally stable. Additionally, it's beneficial to seek support from others and get their viewpoints on your situation.
