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Understand how your partner's avoidant attachment style shapes their behavior within your relationship.
Relationships are complex on their own, but when your partner has an avoidant attachment style, figuring out where you stand can be a challenge. Do they love you? How can you recognize it when they don't express it in typical ways? We've put together a guide for navigating a relationship with an avoidant partner— from how they show affection to how you can build a strong bond together. Read on for more details below.
This article is based on an interview with developmental psychologist Leslie Bosch, founder of Bosch Integrative Wellness. Access the full interview here.
Key Points to Understand
- If your avoidant partner opens up to you, engages in public displays of affection, or makes efforts to connect, they might be in love with you.
- An avoidant partner who is in love will take steps to commit to the relationship. They will recognize you as their partner and introduce you to close friends and family.
- A successful relationship with an avoidant partner can be nurtured by respecting their need for space and being patient as they grow in emotional vulnerability.
Actionable Steps
Signs That Your Avoidant Partner is in Love with You
They begin to share their emotions with you. For avoidants, emotional closeness can be a challenge. Their attachment style often leads them to keep their thoughts and feelings private. If your avoidant partner starts opening up to you, whether it's about their emotions or private experiences, it’s a clear sign of trust and growing attachment.
- Remember that their version of ‘opening up’ may seem subtle compared to someone with an anxious or secure attachment style, and what may seem like a small revelation to them might feel significant to you.
They show affection through nonverbal gestures. Because verbal expressions of love can feel overwhelming for avoidants, they often communicate their feelings through actions. They might be more inclined to kiss you than say ‘I love you.’ If you initiate some form of physical affection and they respond positively, it suggests they’re becoming more comfortable with intimacy.
- If your partner doesn’t reciprocate your public displays of affection, it can hurt, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care. They may just need more time to adjust.
- Avoidants tend to be more at ease with private displays of affection, so don’t be discouraged if they shy away in public. If you hold their hand in private, they may be more likely to reciprocate.
- Due to their discomfort with intimacy, avoidants might feel awkward at first. Celebrate their efforts to grow, and they will improve over time!
They truly listen to you. Avoidants typically struggle with emotional closeness, often avoiding it altogether. If your partner listens intently when you speak and shows genuine curiosity about your thoughts and feelings, it’s a strong indicator they are emotionally invested.
- If they put down their phone and give you their full attention, it’s a sign they care about what you’re saying.
- Signs they are actively listening include maintaining eye contact (which can be challenging for an avoidant!), nodding, and offering thoughtful responses that keep the conversation going.
They make an effort to spend time with you. For many avoidants, the thought of falling in love can be daunting because they fear losing the person they care about. As a result, they often try to keep a distance until they feel secure enough. If your avoidant partner prioritizes you and goes out of their way to spend time together, they are likely deeply in love.
- An avoidant in love will still need their personal space, but they will want significantly less of it when they are with you compared to others.
They make an effort to understand you better. You may notice your avoidant partner taking small steps to connect with you, such as asking about your preferences or inviting you to engage in shared activities. These actions allow both of you to grow closer and learn more about each other. People try to bond with those they care about, and your avoidant partner is no exception.
They've introduced you to their loved ones. For avoidants, their inner circle is typically reserved for those they care about deeply. So, if they've invited you to a family gathering or to an important event, such as a best friend's wedding, it's a significant gesture: it indicates they want you to be part of their life long-term.
They're ready to take the relationship to the next stage. A truly committed avoidant won't shy away from deepening their relationship. If your avoidant partner expresses interest in moving in together, getting married, or simply acknowledging you as their partner, it's a strong indication that they are serious about building a future with you.
How to Build a Relationship with an Avoidant
Be patient and allow them to commit at their own pace. Avoidants crave love just like anyone else, but they often struggle with commitment, even if they desire it. If you show patience and avoid pressuring your avoidant partner to move faster than they're comfortable with, they may gradually feel more secure in the relationship. The key to a healthy relationship with an avoidant is to give them space and not rush them.
- This doesn’t mean you should neglect your own needs, and it’s completely valid to seek commitment. However, if you want to make things work with an avoidant, it’s essential to take things slow.
Show your love through actions, not just words. Just as avoidants tend to express their affection through actions, they respond better to tangible gestures rather than grand declarations of love. While it’s important to tell them you love them, especially if your love language is words of affirmation, be sure to support your words with meaningful actions as well.
Give them the space they need. As Rainer Maria Rilke wisely said, an ideal romantic relationship allows both people to “stand guard over the solitude of the other.” This is especially true for many avoidants, who may crave a relationship but fear losing their independence. To ease their concerns, encourage them to take regular alone time, and make sure to take space for yourself as well. They’ll appreciate the freedom to breathe.
- Some avoidants may initiate time alone, while others may hesitate, fearing it will upset their partner. They may silently endure instead of speaking up.
- If your avoidant partner hasn’t had time to themselves lately, ask if they’d like some. They’ll not only appreciate your offer but also feel understood in their need for space.
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Maintain calm and clear communication during disagreements. In intense discussions, strong emotions can cause an avoidant to withdraw. It’s challenging, but speaking with clarity, avoiding raised voices, and refraining from excessive emotional reactions during difficult talks can make a huge difference. This approach will make it easier for your avoidant partner to understand your perspective rather than shutting you out or simply telling you what they think you want to hear.
- Using “I” statements can make your avoidant partner feel less defensive and more willing to listen to you. During tense conversations, avoidants can feel easily threatened by “you” statements like “You never show me affection,” or “It’s your fault we’re not closer.”
- Use “I” statements to express your needs and feelings: “I’d like more affection from you,” or “I feel we need to be more intimate.”
- If the conversation heats up, avoid raising your voice. If things get too emotional, calmly let your partner know that you’re too upset to continue and that you love them, suggesting to return to the conversation after both of you have had time to reflect.
Be consistent and dependable. Since avoidants take their time to trust, unpredictable actions or failing to follow through on commitments can lead them to pull away. By keeping your promises and demonstrating your commitment to the relationship, you improve the chances of building a strong, lasting connection with your avoidant partner.
Don't sacrifice your own needs for your partner’s. Dating someone with an avoidant attachment style can be challenging, but that doesn’t mean you should put your own needs on hold. A healthy relationship requires both partners to feel valued and heard. While you might need to practice patience with certain aspects of your avoidant partner’s behavior, it’s also crucial that you express your own needs. Both of you must work together to make each other feel loved, safe, and appreciated.
- Avoidants might struggle with intimacy, which can make their partners feel overlooked, rejected, or unwanted. It’s not your sole responsibility to make the relationship work.
- It’s important to communicate your needs in a way that’s patient and calm, ensuring your avoidant partner doesn’t shut down emotionally. You can still be honest and clear about how you’re feeling and what you need from them.
Is it possible to heal avoidant behavior?
An avoidant partner can become more secure with time. While it’s not your job to change your avoidant partner’s attachment style, being in a committed relationship can help them develop more security. By openly expressing how their avoidant tendencies affect you, they may start learning to become more secure.
- If you’re in a long-term relationship with an avoidant, they may still seem distant, but over time, you’ll notice signs of their growing attachment as they learn to trust you and feel more comfortable showing their emotions.
- Therapy can assist individuals with insecure attachments in addressing their emotional patterns. Whether you both attend couples counseling or they receive individual therapy, discussing attachment issues can lead to greater emotional openness and a more secure connection.
Get involved in the conversation...
My partner and I have been getting more serious about our relationship recently, and things have been going well. Recently, their therapist mentioned they have an avoidant attachment style, and they asked if I noticed any of the traits. This was the first time I’d ever heard of it, so I’m not sure what it means. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? What should I be aware of in our relationship?
Leslie Bosch, PhD
Developmental Psychologist
Developmental Psychologist
People with an avoidant attachment style often downplay their own emotions and those of others. As a result, they don’t typically have a strong understanding of emotions. A lot of this stems from how they were raised, not necessarily something they consciously chose. They were likely influenced by how their parents handled emotions, and assumed that was the correct way to deal with them.
For those with a fearful avoidant style, their internal thoughts may include “I’m not capable,” “others can’t be trusted,” and “the world is a dangerous place.” This mindset can make it difficult for them to know where to turn for support when they need it.
For those with a fearful avoidant style, their internal thoughts may include “I’m not capable,” “others can’t be trusted,” and “the world is a dangerous place.” This mindset can make it difficult for them to know where to turn for support when they need it.
Anonymous WikiOwl
Being with an avoidant partner is challenging. My 9-year-old girlfriend recently ended what I thought was a great relationship. Without any explanation, she just walked out, saying that we were merely a hookup, and left. She was emotionally distant, almost robotic. I would advise staying away from people like this.
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