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Understand their tactics for manipulating others
Do you notice something unusual about a friend, partner, or family member? Are you left questioning your own thoughts when you're around them? The word 'narcissist' is familiar, but could someone so introverted and reserved really fit the description? In reality, covert narcissists share the same traits as overt narcissists, but in a more subtle form. Check out our list of strange things covert narcissists do to get what they want (along with strategies for handling them). However, remember, not every person with narcissistic tendencies has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), and only a trained therapist can provide a diagnosis.
This article is based on an interview with our licensed counselor, Casey Lee, founder of Rooted Hearts Counseling LLC. Read the full interview here.
Important Insights
- Narcissism is a broad concept, and covert narcissists tend to act in more subtle ways, are often introverted, and possess a sense of superiority.
- A covert narcissist may try to project an image of grandeur, power, and confidence in order to hide their deep insecurities.
- Appearances are often a covert narcissist’s top priority, even if their behavior behind closed doors is passive-aggressive and emotionally damaging.
Actionable Steps
They may exhibit passive-aggressive behavior.
Using the silent treatment and shifting blame helps them feel more superior. Individuals with covert narcissistic tendencies may use passive-aggressive tactics to manipulate others. This could include giving the silent treatment, offering backhanded compliments, or subtly shifting blame to make themselves appear better.
- For example, they may make vague comments about your weight, appearance, or eating habits.
- Learn how to handle passive-aggressive behavior by staying calm and objective. Reacting emotionally could give the covert narcissist more control over you.
They may feign forgetfulness when it suits them.
If it conflicts with their goals, they might pretend to forget. Covert narcissists may selectively 'forget' things you’ve said or tasks you’ve assigned them when it doesn't serve their interests.
- Stand firm when addressing their forgetfulness. Your needs and requests are important, too.
They may refuse to take accountability.
They may shift the blame to others for their errors. No matter what they do, someone with covert narcissistic traits often avoids taking responsibility for their actions. When faced with criticism, they might subtly manipulate or gaslight you to make themselves feel better.
- If you find yourself constantly taking the blame for them, step back and try to see things from a different angle. First, reflect on whether you made any mistakes. Then, consider the reasons behind their behavior.
They may fabricate stories or offer hollow apologies.
People with narcissistic tendencies might tell small lies to manipulate outcomes. These lies are usually simple but effective, such as claiming they’ve done something when they haven’t. When caught, they may twist the facts to suit their agenda and offer a fake apology.
- Challenge their lies by saying, “I know what I saw” or “You always need to be right.”
- When dealing with a narcissist, especially if you live with one, it’s vital to build a support network. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a counselor to gain perspective and discuss your feelings.
They might be fixated on their public image.
They often worry about how others perceive them. A covert narcissist is deeply concerned with maintaining a flawless reputation. This could manifest as making charitable donations just for the recognition they’ll receive.
- Don’t feed into their need for validation. If you know their good deeds are done for the wrong reasons, try to act indifferent, even uninterested, so they can’t draw attention from your reactions.
They often put their own needs first.
Individuals with covert narcissistic traits may prioritize their desires above all else. Narcissism can make it difficult to empathize with others, so people with these tendencies tend to focus on themselves rather than their friends, partner, or family.
- This behavior can manifest both physically and mentally. For instance, they may always walk ahead of you or bring up an issue right before an important event.
- Sometimes, the best way to manage this behavior is by creating some distance. While this may not always be possible, even a little space can give you time to clear your mind and set the stage for a meaningful conversation.
They may possess an inflated sense of self-importance.
They often seek attention and control. This need for validation may lead them to develop a large ego and believe they are superior to others. They might downplay your opinions or try to dominate situations because they feel they’re the best.
- It’s challenging, but remember to prioritize your own well-being. If their behavior makes you feel diminished, it could be time to distance yourself or even move on from the relationship.
They might make self-deprecating remarks.
They might use their vulnerabilities to fish for compliments. Narcissism often masks deep insecurity, leading people with covert narcissistic tendencies to constantly seek validation and praise. They may downplay their abilities or accomplishments just to get reassurance and admiration.
- Be on the lookout for phrases like, “I’m such a bad person” or “Nothing in my life matters.”
- Resist getting caught up in this “poor me” routine. If you don’t feed into it, they’ll eventually stop trying to reel you in.
- Responding with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” can reset the conversation.
They struggle with criticism.
Their profound insecurity makes it difficult for them to accept feedback. Even the most gentle criticism may be met with resistance. If you point out something about their appearance, behavior, or actions, they might react harshly or become distant.
- Since criticism threatens their carefully crafted self-image, they might quickly dismiss any negative comments.
- People with covert narcissistic traits may avoid taking responsibility for their lack of success and instead blame others.
- Ask yourself if continuing to criticize and confront them is worth your time. If they’re open to change, great! If not, it might be best to stop trying to help.
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Take the QuizExplore More QuizzesThey may wear different personas.
They might adapt their personality to fit the crowd. You might notice that their behavior shifts based on who they’re with. This is their way of hiding their true self, but it can leave you wondering who they really are.
- Establish boundaries with someone exhibiting covert narcissistic traits to stop their manipulative tactics and ensure accountability. This could be something as simple as not engaging with them after a certain hour or steering clear of specific conversation topics.
They may overwhelm you with affection.
They may constantly shower you with compliments. They might leave little notes around or send sweet messages throughout the day. While it may seem innocent, this could be their way of luring you in. When a concerning behavior arises later, it’s easier to brush it off, thinking, ‘How could someone so loving be harmful?’
- Be aware that those with covert narcissistic traits might give you gifts or favors now, with the intention of using them as leverage in the future.
- If you notice this love-bombing behavior, express your concerns calmly and explain why it’s unsettling to you.
They may have a heightened sense of competition.
They may feel the need to always prove their superiority. They might constantly strive to present themselves as the best, even if it means acting arrogantly or boastfully. This is especially true in public settings where others can witness their “success.”
- Such individuals may also be sore losers, making any friendly competition with them challenging.
- Reassure them that they don’t need to win or perform to earn your respect. We all have our insecurities, but they shouldn’t dictate how we behave or how we see others.
They might display hypocritical and arrogant traits.
They often speak one way and act another. Individuals with covert narcissistic tendencies may struggle to empathize with others, and their insecurities can lead to a lack of consistency in their beliefs. They might endorse one idea one day and then contradict it the next, claiming they 'know better.'
- They often seek validation, which may cause them to disregard the opinions or knowledge of others.
- This behavior can be incredibly frustrating, but try to avoid engaging with it. The more you react, the more likely they are to continue manipulating.
They might portray themselves as the victim.
They may adopt a victim mentality to avoid owning up to their mistakes. People with narcissistic traits are often reluctant to admit when they're wrong. They might even manipulate the situation to make you feel responsible, even if you know you're not.
- This is often a defense mechanism to protect themselves from their own insecurities and faults. By putting others down, they temporarily feel better about themselves.
- Make sure you don’t let them silence you—your perspective matters, and your experiences are real.
They might micromanage everything.
They want things done their way, or not at all. They may insist on doing everything a specific way, and even if they delegate tasks to you, they’ll hover to ensure you follow their exact method.
- To ease the situation, try saying something like, "What if we approach this a little differently this time?" or "Things can still work out great even if we do it another way. Let me show you."
- If they do something inconsiderate or rude, gently point it out. They may not realize their actions are hurting you, but there's always potential for change if they're willing to reflect and grow.
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It's important to remember that not everyone displaying narcissistic traits is necessarily a clinical narcissist, and not every person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) engages in abusive behavior.
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Many people may not even be aware of their narcissistic tendencies. With dedication, therapy, and/or medication, covert narcissistic behaviors can be addressed, so don’t hesitate to speak up if you feel something isn’t right.
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Consider keeping a journal to track the actions of your friend or partner. This can help you stay grounded and reaffirm your observations over time.
