Buzz
The purpose of the no contact rule is to allow yourself the opportunity to process and overcome the emotional chaos linked to your former partner. Essentially, you sever all ties—remove them from your social media, block their number, and avoid reaching out. This solitude provides the necessary environment for healing and progressing. But how soon will you notice improvement? When will you feel ready to communicate with your ex again? Here’s a comprehensive guide to help you understand the timeline for emotional recovery.
Steps to Follow
For a peaceful breakup: approximately 30 days.
If the breakup was mutual, allocate roughly a month to transition forward. The objective is to resolve your emotions, reflect, and embrace the next chapter. Around four weeks of solitude should suffice to readjust to the single lifestyle. Initially, it may feel awkward or unsettling, but after 30 days, you’ll likely notice a significant improvement in your emotional state.
- While 30 days serves as a general guideline, individual experiences vary. Some recover quickly, while others need more time. If a month passes and you’re still not ready, extending the no contact period is perfectly acceptable.
Inform your ex about your intentions to ease the situation. If the breakup was amicable and you foresee a potential future friendship, it’s fine to let them know your plans. A simple text explaining your temporary absence should suffice—it’s not a major issue.
- For example, you might say, “Hey, just letting you know, I’ll be blocking you on social media and won’t be answering calls for a while. It’s nothing personal—I just need some time to focus on myself.”
For a long-term relationship: a minimum of 60 days.
If your relationship lasted six months or more, take a two-month break. The duration of your relationship plays a key role in determining the no contact period. For relationships spanning 6-12 months or longer, allow yourself at least 60 days before considering reconnecting. Ending a long-term relationship can be emotionally taxing, and it’s perfectly normal to need extra time to process everything.
In the meantime, focus on activities you love and keep yourself occupied. Spend time with friends, dive into your interests, and immerse yourself in hobbies. Allow yourself a couple of days to grieve, then aim to resume your regular routine. Exercise, maintain a healthy diet, and ensure you get enough rest. Your feelings during this period are completely valid, and things will gradually become easier.
- You’ll know the no contact rule is effective if you notice gradual improvements over a few weeks. Remember, this isn’t just a short break—it’s a meaningful period of self-reflection and growth.
If the breakup was particularly messy: approximately 90 days.
Some relationships conclude with turmoil, so take your time. Allow yourself approximately three months to heal before making contact. If the breakup involved heated arguments or harsh words, it may take longer to let go of the anger and frustration—and that’s completely normal! Once the emotions settle, you’ll have the clarity to address your feelings.
- If the breakup was abrupt and dramatic, you might feel tempted to reach out sooner. While it’s an option, it’s often wiser to wait a few months to cool down.
- If they initiate contact to reconcile before the 90-day mark and you’re open to it, communicate your need for space. For example, say, “I’m interested in reconnecting, but I need more time to process my emotions. Let’s revisit this in a few weeks.”
For a particularly toxic breakup: no set timeline.
If the relationship involved abuse or constant negativity, sever ties permanently. The no contact rule is crucial in toxic situations, offering you the chance to gain perspective and rediscover life’s joys without your ex. You deserve better, so avoid reconnecting until you’re certain it’s the right choice.
- If your ex was abusive or manipulated you into believing issues were your fault, it can leave lasting emotional scars. Prioritize self-care and take all the time you need to heal.
Significant change must occur before considering reconnection. With a toxic ex, moving forward is often the best path. However, if you ever consider reaching out in the distant future, ensure they’ve made substantial improvements. For instance, if they struggled with addiction, they should be in recovery. If they were verbally abusive, they should have undergone anger management. Avoid rekindling a relationship unless they’ve demonstrated genuine change.
- Keep in mind, this process could take years. Don’t rush to reconnect with a toxic ex, even if the desire is strong.
To attempt reconciliation with your ex: approximately 1-2 weeks.
If your goal is to reunite with your ex, consider reaching out after one to two weeks. Many individuals use the no contact strategy to reignite a connection after a breakup. This approach can be effective, particularly if your ex seemed uncertain about ending the relationship. Allow them a week or two to experience life without you, then send a message or call to check in.
- If they contact you first, express that you need time to reflect on your feelings. This subtly communicates that you’re evaluating your options, which may increase their desire to reconnect.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 2300 Mytour readers about the most encouraging sign for potential reconciliation, and 50% cited initiating contact after a period of no communication. [Take Poll]
Maintain composure when reconnecting after the no contact period. Approach the situation calmly and confidently. Highlight how you’ve been enjoying time with friends and engaging in activities. Avoid appearing desperate, as your ex should feel that reconnecting is a mutual decision. If they regret the breakup, they’ll be more likely to reconsider. However, expressing excessive neediness may diminish their interest.
If your emotions remain unresolved: take as long as necessary.
While 30-90 days is a common guideline, the timeline depends on your personal healing process. Breakups are deeply personal, and there’s no universal rule for recovery. If you reach the end of your planned no contact period and still feel unready, it’s perfectly fine to extend it. Healing takes time, and it’s okay not to have all the answers.
- To gauge whether you’re ready to end the no contact rule, ask yourself, “Would I feel upset if my ex started dating someone new?” If the answer is no, you’re likely ready to move forward.
How can I tell if the no contact rule is effective?
You’ll know it’s working if your interest in your ex diminishes week by week. Initially, the no contact rule can be challenging. The urge to reach out and fill the emotional gap left by your ex may feel overwhelming. However, resisting that urge will make each day easier. If you notice a gradual decrease in your desire to contact them, the no contact rule is succeeding! Over time, thoughts of your ex will become less frequent, and you’ll emerge stronger and more resilient.
- If, over the weeks or months, you find yourself increasingly preoccupied with thoughts of your ex, consider seeking therapy. A therapist can provide valuable support in navigating your emotions.
What motivates people to go no contact?
The primary aim is to prioritize your well-being and facilitate healing. Returning to a sense of normalcy is difficult when you’re continually engaging with the person who caused your emotional distress. By distancing yourself from your ex, you create a space where you can heal, process your feelings, and reflect independently. This is a healthy and essential step toward moving forward.
Join the Conversation...
It’s been two months since my girlfriend and I broke up, but it still feels so fresh, like it just happened. I’m struggling to come to terms with her absence and don’t know how to move forward. For those who’ve experienced a similar breakup, how long did it take you to heal? What steps did you take to move on? Any advice would mean a lot. Thank you.
Amy Chan
Relationship Coach
Relationship Coach
Studies indicate that the emotional pain of a breakup typically subsides within six months to two years. This is because the brain of someone recently separated exhibits activity similar to that of someone experiencing withdrawal from addiction. Those with an anxious attachment style often find breakups more challenging than those with secure or avoidant styles.
Moving on involves processing emotions healthily, which is distinct from suppressing, distracting, or avoiding them. Processing means acknowledging your feelings, allowing time for healing, and reflecting on lessons learned to grow from the experience. It’s important to differentiate between processing and wallowing. Processing involves self-care, self-compassion, and seeking support to regain balance, while wallowing perpetuates a victim mindset and prolongs suffering.
You’ll know you’ve moved on when the breakup no longer triggers strong emotions and you’ve fully accepted reality.
Moving on involves processing emotions healthily, which is distinct from suppressing, distracting, or avoiding them. Processing means acknowledging your feelings, allowing time for healing, and reflecting on lessons learned to grow from the experience. It’s important to differentiate between processing and wallowing. Processing involves self-care, self-compassion, and seeking support to regain balance, while wallowing perpetuates a victim mindset and prolongs suffering.
You’ll know you’ve moved on when the breakup no longer triggers strong emotions and you’ve fully accepted reality.
It’s easy to rush into a new relationship before you’re truly ready. That’s what I did after my breakup, thinking it would help me move on faster. Instead, I was just burying my emotions under the surface. Now, that new relationship has ended, and I’m dealing with the fallout from both breakups. It’s been nearly a year, and I’m still struggling. However, staying away from dating apps has been a positive step for me.
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