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Validating emotions means acknowledging someone's feelings and showing that they are important. In any healthy relationship, it's crucial to validate emotions when someone is upset. Begin by actively listening and responding with clear, simple words. Then, do your best to empathize. Remember, you don't need to agree with someone's emotions or decisions in order to validate their feelings as real and significant.
Steps
Active Listening and Responding
Use verbal cues to show you're paying attention. Validation begins with genuine listening, while arguments and hurt feelings often stem from a lack of active listening. It's essential to offer short verbal affirmations to show the person you're engaged. Responses like "Okay," "Uh-huh," and "I understand" let them know they're being heard.
- Avoid interrupting or letting your thoughts wander, as it can break your focus and derail the conversation.
Use your body language to show you're actively listening. Maintain eye contact, face them, and orient your body towards theirs as they speak. Consider pausing any other activity to fully engage. This communicates that you are present and focused.
- If you're multitasking, such as folding laundry or cooking, still make a point to glance at them and use other non-verbal cues to demonstrate you're attentive. Eye contact is especially powerful in this regard.
- If your body language is impacted by a disability, you can still communicate attentiveness. You may adjust your behavior, like fidgeting with one hand while keeping eye contact, or explain that your physical response may differ, but you're still listening.
Be fully present in the moment. The simplest way to validate someone is to be there for them, even when their emotions are challenging. Set aside your discomfort and focus solely on supporting them. Here are some ways you can demonstrate you're present:
- Hold their hand
- Make direct eye contact
- Sit beside them or comfort them with a gentle touch
- Simply say, "I'm here for you."
Match their energy and mood. If the person is excited, match their enthusiasm. If they’re feeling down, offer your sympathy. Responding to their mood and energy level helps them feel understood.
- For example, if your friend is thrilled about a new date, share in their excitement. But if they’re hesitant or nervous, getting overly excited could make them feel overwhelmed. It’s key to gauge their energy and mirror it accordingly.
Ask questions to gain clarity. Once they’ve shared their feelings, ask thoughtful questions to deepen your understanding. This allows them to express themselves fully and feel heard.
- For instance, you could ask, "How did that make you feel?" or "What are your thoughts on that?"
Reflect their words back to them. After they’ve expressed their feelings, repeat back what you've heard. It may seem awkward, but this simple act affirms that you’ve understood their emotions. You could say things like:
- "So, you're frustrated because the professor gave you so little notice."
- "It sounds like you’re really excited!"
- "That must have been difficult."
- "Let me make sure I got this right: You felt hurt when my brother mocked your disability accent, and I didn’t step in?"
Focus more on listening than talking. You might have many thoughts or advice to offer, but when someone is opening up, your primary role is to listen. Avoid cutting them off or jumping in with your own input until they’ve finished.
- At this stage, resist giving advice—it can come across as dismissive or superficial, making them feel like you aren't truly hearing them. Instead, just listen and be present. Your presence alone might help them come to their own insights.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 796 Mytour readers, and 59% agreed that the best way to support someone struggling is to show empathy and listen actively. [Take Poll]
Showing Empathy Towards the Person
Encourage them to expand on their feelings. After someone shares their emotions, try helping them dive deeper into what they’re experiencing and why. For example, you could ask, "It seems like you’re feeling hurt, right?" This lets them know you care and are trying to understand.
- If you’re spot-on, they’ll likely respond with, "Yes, and..." and continue explaining. If not, they’ll correct you and clarify, but either way, you’re helping them process their feelings.
Share a similar experience of your own. If appropriate, offer a relatable experience to show you understand. Then, connect it to how you felt, showing them their emotions are valid. This can make them feel heard and supported.
- For example, if your friend is upset about not being invited to his sister’s vacation, you could say, "I get it—being excluded hurts. My brother and cousin have an annual camping trip, and I’m never invited. I totally understand why you feel left out and disappointed."
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Make their reaction feel more common. If you don’t have a personal experience to relate, you can still show understanding by saying something like, "I imagine most people would feel the same in that situation." This lets them know their feelings are normal and justified. Here are some examples:
- "It’s perfectly fine to feel uneasy about your flu shot. Everyone dislikes those."
- "It makes sense you’re nervous about asking for a promotion. That’s intimidating for nearly everyone."
- "No surprise you’re not in the mood to go out today."
Recognize their personal history. You can offer support by acknowledging how past experiences shape someone's feelings. This is especially helpful when someone fears their emotions are overblown or unreasonable. Even if their reaction seems exaggerated, remind them their feelings are still valid. Consider saying things like:
- "Considering how Amy treated you, I completely understand why you'd want to step back from dating. That's a lot to heal from."
- "After that wild roller coaster ride, I can see why you'd hesitate about this one. How about we try the merry-go-round instead?"
- "Given that you were bitten by a dog last year, it's no wonder the neighbor's dog makes you uneasy."
Steering Clear of Non-Validating Responses
Don’t try to correct their thoughts. It's important not to challenge or change someone's thoughts or emotions, especially when they're upset. If they seem irrational, you may want to talk them out of it, but this can invalidate their feelings.
- For instance, avoid saying things like, "That’s not worth getting upset about." It's okay to disagree, but validating doesn’t require agreement. It simply means recognizing their feelings. Instead, try saying, "I understand why that would make you upset" or "You seem really angry."
Refrain from offering unsolicited advice. When someone shares a problem, they often just want someone to listen. Before jumping in with phrases like "Just ignore them" or "Look at the bright side," pause. Pay attention to what they’re saying, and focus on offering empathy first. They need time to process their feelings.
- If you want to help, start by listening. Let them express themselves and process their emotions first. Then, ask if there’s anything you can do to assist.
- If you're unsure, consider asking, "Are you looking for advice, or do you just need to vent?"
Be mindful of how you validate their feelings. Understand that validation doesn't always look the same in every situation. Select the approach that best fits the circumstances. If you can't directly relate, avoid comparisons. Instead, offer more general forms of validation.
- Don't downplay their unique experience. For instance, if your friend confides about suspecting ADHD, don’t say, "Everyone gets disorganized at times." Or if someone talks about an unsupportive boyfriend, don't say, "All guys can be insensitive." Respect their belief that their experience is unique.
- Don’t pretend to know what they’re going through if you don’t. For example, if a friend is stressed because of a divorce, don’t try to empathize by comparing it to a past breakup. Instead, validate their emotions in broader terms: "It's totally understandable that you're feeling this way. Divorce is really tough for many people."
Refrain from assigning blame. Never hold someone accountable for their emotions, especially when they're feeling distressed. Blame implies that their feelings are invalid. Avoid responses like:
- "Complaining won’t solve anything. Just toughen up and move on."
- "You're blowing this out of proportion."
- "So now you're angry with your best friend? How’s that working out for you?"
- "Maybe he wouldn’t have treated you like that if you hadn't worn such a revealing skirt."
Don’t try to "hoover" their emotions. Hoovering refers to minimizing negative feelings and pretending they don’t exist. Common examples include:
- "Oh, it’s really not that bad."
- "It’s no big deal."
- "Let’s just think positive."
- "Don’t worry, everything will work out!"
- "Just get over it."
- "Look on the bright side!"
Don’t try to fix their feelings. Sometimes, people try to make their loved ones stop feeling hurt just to ease their discomfort. While it comes from a caring place, it often doesn’t help in the long run, and the person may feel guilty for still being upset after your attempts.
- If you want to help, listen to their entire story and acknowledge their feelings throughout. After that, ask how you can support them or offer to help find a solution.
- If they’re open to brainstorming, avoid telling them exactly what to do. Instead of saying, "You should move on from him," you might say, "I personally try to move on from people who aren’t invested in my life and focus on the relationships that matter." This gives them the freedom to decide whether they want to follow your advice.
Tips for Constructive Conversations
How to Respond to Validate Someone Else's Feelings
Understanding Others' Emotions-
Remember, helping someone work through their emotions is incredibly supportive. Even if you can’t change their circumstances, just being there to listen and acknowledge their feelings can make a huge difference.
