How to Act When Facing an Ex

You might think that breaking up means a complete end, but this is rarely the case. Even if you wish to avoid your ex entirely, there will come a time when you have to face them. Interacting with someone you were once close to can be challenging, but there are ways to make this process less painful.

Be patient. You were used to emotional and physical closeness, so don't expect to establish a new dynamic for the relationship right away.

• Avoid reaching out to your ex, especially in the initial period. Many experts recommend that you refrain from contacting your ex in any form for at least eight weeks. Meeting right after a breakup will only make it harder to move on.

Treat your ex like a colleague. You should express friendliness and respect without becoming overly familiar.

• Maintain a light approach to your interactions. Especially if it’s been a while since you last saw each other, resist the urge to bring up lingering issues from the relationship.
  • You: Hi Dung, did you watch the match last night?
  • Him: Yes, they really need a new management team.
  • You: That midfielder played well. He should’ve taken that shot.
  • Him: Yeah, I don’t understand his decision either.
  • You: It was nice chatting with you. Hopefully, that team makes it to the group stage.
• If your ex brings up a controversial issue, switch to a neutral topic both of you can agree on.
  • Him: Hey Mai, have you tried the spicy noodles yet?
  • You: I did! They remind me of the noodles your mom used to make.
  • Him: How did you know? It’s been so long since you visited her.
  • You: I think we both really love her cooking.
  • Him: Yeah, that’s true.

Stay away from alcohol. Emotions can run high. If you drink, it may be hard to control yourself and say something you’ll regret.

Cut off online contact with your ex. Unfriend them on Facebook and avoid them on other social media platforms. Of course, it can be tempting to keep tabs on your ex online—you might want to know if they’re struggling without you or dating someone new. However, research shows that it’s best to resist the temptation.

• You can easily become obsessed with these behaviors, which psychologists call “online surveillance” or what we often refer to as Facebook stalking.
• This is not healthy for your emotional well-being. Just like meeting your ex in person, interacting with them online can prolong the heartbreak.
• If you must follow them on social media, remember that you are only seeing a curated version of their life. Don’t assume they’re doing better than you just because they’re not posting about their struggles.

Be cautious about maintaining a friendship. Many people want to stay friends after breaking up, which makes sense—you once enjoyed being around your ex, and they were an important part of your social life. Why not continue behaving as you did before, like going to a baseball game, calling them to vent about your boss, or borrowing their jacket when you're cold? There are plenty of reasons.

• Keep physical and emotional boundaries to avoid any ambiguity. Flirting or physical contact can lead to misunderstandings.
• Limit interactions. You shouldn’t check in with them constantly, or even once a day. While you can be friends, they shouldn’t be the first person you turn to for sharing good or bad news.
• Avoid using friendship as a way to rekindle the relationship. If you want to reignite feelings and they don’t, you need to cut all contact.

Don’t let your relationship affect special events. Given the overlap in social circles, you will likely run into your ex at special events like birthdays, graduations, or weddings, even years later. You should be prepared for this unavoidable encounter.

• Don’t ignore each other at the event, but don’t sit together either. If you both dislike each other, it can draw attention and cause uncomfortable questions from others about whether you’ve gotten back together.
• Split up at smaller events. You can both attend a friend’s play, but avoid sitting down together for dinner afterward. You don’t want to miss out on a fun event, but try to avoid major confrontations.

Maintain professionalism at all times. You should try to separate relationship issues from your career or academic pursuits. Ideally, this should be your constant approach, as otherwise, you will need to discuss it. You wouldn’t want the aftermath of a breakup to ruin your professional or academic success.

• If seeing your ex makes you emotional, consider altering your routine to avoid them. You could take breaks at different times or use a different path to access the printer.
• Imagine your boss is watching you whenever you interact with your ex. This mental image can help motivate you to stay professional.

Discuss matters discreetly. If your ex breaks the commitment to “maintain professionalism at all times” and starts discussing relationship issues, ask them to talk about it later or only answer work-related questions. If this isn’t possible, you should discuss it in a private place or via personal phone or email (not company accounts).

• You: Have you finished the report for the boss?
• Her: Yes, but before we talk about that, I need to know if you’ve returned my things.
• You: Can we discuss this later?
• Her: I really need them.
• You: Alright. You can call or email me after work hours to go over the details.

Find a ‘buffer’ person. If you're worried about being alone with your ex while reheating lunch, consider bringing a friend along. Any awkwardness between the two of you will be less noticeable in a group setting.

Hãy để cuộc gặp gỡ diễn ra một cách tự nhiên. Khi bạn nghe được thông tin rằng người yêu cũ của bạn đang hẹn hò với người mới, bạn nên cố gắng không tìm kiếm cô ấy trên mạng. Đồng thời, bạn cũng phải chấp nhận rằng vào một thời điểm nào đó, bạn sẽ chạm trán họ. Cho dù cuộc gặp gỡ này đã được sắp xếp từ trước hay diễn ra một cách tình cờ, bạn nên tiếp cận nó bằng sự tự tin.

• Trực tiếp đối mặt với tình huống. Mặc dù bạn sẽ không muốn thực hiện điều này, nhưng tốt nhất là bạn nên đối mặt với họ hơn là giả vờ rằng bạn không trông thấy họ và trốn vào một cửa hàng nào đó khi đang đi dạo. Bạn SẼ vượt qua tình huống đó, và một khi bạn thực hiện được điều này, bạn sẽ cảm thấy tự tin hơn vào khả năng tiến bước của mình.
• Bạn nên biết rằng đôi khi, sự tự tin sẽ được thể hiện từ ngoài vào trong. Nếu bạn nhận thức rõ là bạn sẽ vô tình gặp lại người tình cũ và người yêu mới của họ, bạn nên mặc bất kỳ một trang phục nào đem lại sự thoải mái và tự tin cho bạn. Biện pháp này sẽ giúp bạn thư giãn và cảm thấy dễ chịu hơn trong tâm hồn.

Trở nên thân thiện một cách chân thành. Bạn có thể tỏ thái độ lịch sự mà không giả vờ như thể cả hai sẽ thường xuyên gặp lại nhau, vì hành động này sẽ khiến bạn trông khá giả tạo.

• Bạn: Chào Cúc. Rất vui được gặp cô.
• Cô ấy: Chào, Mai. Tôi đã nghe nói rất nhiều về cô.
• Bạn: Cô sống ở Hà Nội bao lâu rồi?
• Cô ấy: Tôi chuyển đến đây để học đại học.
• Bạn: Cô học trường nào?
• Cô ấy: Trường Đại học Ngoại ngữ.
• Bạn: Tôi cũng vậy. Không biết liệu chúng ta có học chung lớp nào với nhau không.

Thể hiện lòng trắc ẩn. Bạn cần biết rằng cuộc gặp gỡ này sẽ vô cùng khó xử cho mọi người tham gia. Người ấy có thể đang cố gắng không gây tổn thương cho bạn với việc tiến bước. Đồng thời, người yêu mới của anh ta có thể có cảm giác như cô ấy bị đem ra so sánh về mặt ngoại hình, sự nghiệp, tính cách, v.v, với bạn. Mọi người đều muốn vượt qua quá trình tương tác này một cách càng bình tĩnh – và nhanh chóng – càng tốt, và theo cách mà tất cả cùng đồng tình với nhau.

Học hỏi từ phản ứng của bản thân. Sẽ khá khó khăn, nhưng nhìn người tình cũ bên người bạn đời mới sẽ giúp bạn tìm ra cách chữa vết thương lòng của chính mình. Điều này đặc biệt đúng trong việc đánh giá xem liệu bạn có sẵn sàng để hẹn hò lần nữa hay không.

You need to be open, honest, and easy to talk to with your ex. Remember that you will likely have to interact with each other many times. The breakup can become more complicated when children are involved. Many people's emotions are at risk, so avoiding each other may not be an option. Researchers suggest that co-parenting is the best way to support your child's well-being.

• Co-parenting involves sharing time and decisions, which requires you to maintain open and regular communication with your ex.
• If you find it hard to have open and honest conversations, consider using a note-taking journal to share important information about the times your child will spend with you.

Maintain respect. As you proceed with this arrangement, aim to keep a cordial attitude towards your ex. Yelling, name-calling, or any other forms of conflict could negatively affect your child and harm their relationship with the other parent.

• You: "Hey, I know this is tough, but I need you to clarify the time you’ll pick up the kids."
• Him: "Quit nagging. I’ll pick them up after work."
• You: "I realize my tone may sound like nagging, but I have some things to do tonight."
• Him: "Alright, I’ll pick them up at 6."

Do not engage with an ex who exhibits violent or abusive behavior. Always prioritize your safety and your child's, no matter what.