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Anti-LGBTQ+ remarks can be painful and isolating, especially for anyone in the LGBTQ+ community. Whether you identify as LGBTQ+ or just stand for kindness, it can be difficult to know how to respond to such hurtful statements. Homophobic comments are widespread, especially online. Here are some possible responses.
Actions to Take
Understand that showing disapproval, not reasoning, is your most effective response. If you try to engage them with a logical explanation, they may attempt to undermine your argument and drag you into an endless debate. However, expressing disapproval makes it difficult for them to argue without appearing rude or disrespectful.
Speak out only when it is safe to do so. For instance, if your homophobic family members could harm you for voicing your disagreement, it’s safer to remain silent.
- You can express your discomfort non-verbally by frowning, cringing, or quietly exiting the space (if possible). Talking back might escalate the situation, so it’s often better to stay silent if your safety is at risk.
Ask them to stop or let them know it’s unacceptable. Anti-LGBTQ+ remarks are intolerable, and you have every right to address them directly. Calmly and assertively let them know they’ve crossed a boundary. Here are a few possible responses:
- "We don’t talk like that here."
- "You need to cut that out."
- "That’s enough."
- "Not cool."
- "Really?"
- "Did someone give you permission to say things like that?"
Optionally, share your personal connection to the LGBTQ+ community. If the person realizes there are real people involved, they may reconsider their words.
- "My sister is a lesbian, and she’s one of the most loving and virtuous people I know."
- "You know I’m bisexual, right?"
- "My son is gay, and I don’t appreciate how you’re speaking about him and his friends."
- "My best friend is trans, and he’s one of the kindest people I know."
Give them an opportunity to retract and apologize. After you’ve pointed out their inappropriate comment, they might become flustered and offer an apology. Allow them to stumble over their words, accept their discomfort, and let the conversation continue. Assume that they’ve learned from the experience.
Respond to someone who defensively claims they were "just joking." This is a common excuse used by people testing whether their homophobic behavior will be tolerated. Send a clear message that it won’t be. You can approach this gently or firmly, depending on the situation and your comfort level.
- "What was your point with that joke?"
- "Would you still call it a joke if I agreed with you?"
- "But you weren’t joking, were you?"
- "Am I supposed to laugh at that?"
- "That’s not an excuse."
- "Jokes are supposed to be funny, not offensive."
- "Bullying, even in the form of a joke, is still bullying."
- "If that’s your best joke, you might want to rethink your material."
- "Homophobic jokes say a lot about the kind of person you are. Is that the message you want to send?"
Respond with cold disapproval to someone who repeats their offensive behavior. If they double down or refuse to learn from their mistake, let them know how uncomfortable they’ve made the situation. Give them a cold look and say something that makes it clear they’ve crossed a line.
- "No."
- "Wow, okay then."
- "Seriously?"
- "Really?"
Walk away from someone who's being hateful. If the person begins ranting and shows no concern for how inappropriate their behavior is, don’t engage. (In some cases, they might just be seeking attention, so avoid giving it to them.) Walk away. You might want to end the encounter with one of these remarks:
- "Your behavior is making me question our friendship."
- "I’m not interested in this conversation."
- "If you're going to keep acting like this, I’m leaving."
- "Clearly, we can’t have a meaningful conversation. Goodbye."
- "Dad, if this is what happens when I visit you, I’ll start reconsidering how often I come by, especially since I don’t want my daughter hearing this."
- "Goodbye."
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Remember that even well-meaning people can make mistakes and might unknowingly adopt harmful attitudes from society. If this is out of character for the person, they may not be a bad person. Allow them a chance to feel regret, learn, and change their behavior.
Things to Be Aware Of
- Some homophobes intentionally go to public spaces, hold up signs, and try to provoke others. They’re looking for a fight, so don’t give them that. Instead, ignore them completely and pretend they don’t exist.
- Don’t engage in a debate with a homophobe. Some people are just determined to stir up trouble, and arguing with them will only upset you. The best approach is to show disapproval and walk away.
