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When your emotional needs are fulfilled as a child, you develop trust in those around you. However, if your needs are disregarded, it can lead to the formation of an anxious, avoidant, or fearful attachment style. The fearful avoidant attachment style, in particular, may create a longing for intimacy and connection, while also pushing it away. Gaining insight into your attachment style and its origins can guide you in relearning healthy attachment behaviors, ultimately leading to more fulfilling relationships. In this article, we will cover all the key aspects of the fearful avoidant attachment style and how to navigate it successfully.
Approach
Confront negative beliefs.
Your automatic thought patterns shape your perception of the world. With a fearful avoidant attachment style, it’s common to have negative thoughts about yourself and others. Try to recognize these thoughts and replace them with positive affirmations, gradually shifting toward a more secure attachment style and a brighter outlook on life.
- If you think, “I’ll never be loved,” counter it with, “I am deserving of love, and one day I will find it.”
- If you think, “People always try to exploit me,” challenge it with, “My loved ones care for me because of who I am, not what I can offer them.”
- Positivity and negativity are not absolute—they are influenced by perspective. Positivity surrounds you; it's just a matter of recognizing and embracing it.
Share your emotions openly.
Recognizing your feelings gives you greater control over them. If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might tend to suppress or ignore your emotions. Instead, try to identify and articulate your feelings—it will significantly improve your communication.
- “I feel upset right now because you raised your voice at me earlier.”
- “I’m a bit frustrated because you didn’t follow through on your promise.”
- “I’m feeling anxious right now because I’m juggling too much.”
- By doing this, you can begin to share your emotions more honestly and openly with your partner.
- This practice will help you move away from the avoidant style and toward a more secure mindset, where it's okay to express how you feel and to lean on someone for support, comfort, or assistance with what you’re going through.
Improve your body language.
You may be unintentionally closing yourself off from others nonverbally. With a fearful avoidant attachment style, you might unintentionally send signals that you’re not open to connecting with others. To change this, try to make eye contact, stand tall, and avoid crossing your arms. These small adjustments can make you appear more approachable and help enhance your relationships.
- Observe these nonverbal signals in others as well. When someone feels down, do they cross their arms and turn away? When someone is happy, do they maintain eye contact and sit up straight?
Boost your self-esteem.
Individuals with a fearful avoidant attachment style often struggle with low self-esteem. Your self-esteem plays a crucial role in shaping your relationships and can lead you to feel undeserving of love. By improving your self-esteem, you can regain control over your life and feel empowered to make your own decisions. Some effective ways to enhance your self-esteem include:
- Recognizing and celebrating your achievements, both large and small
- Engaging in hobbies and activities that bring you joy
- Setting and accomplishing small, attainable goals
- Practicing daily self-care and kindness
- Maintaining a balanced diet and staying active
- Creating a list of qualities you appreciate about yourself
Quiz: Do You Struggle with Abandonment Issues?
Do you often feel uneasy or anxious about your relationships, worrying that you might be abandoned by someone important to you? You’re not alone. Abandonment issues can stem from various experiences, including unhealthy relationships, and the intensity of these issues can vary. Like many fears and anxieties, abandonment issues are something that can be overcome with time—and recognizing the issue is the first step. That's why we've created a detailed quiz to help you identify if you may be dealing with abandonment issues.
Question 1 of 12
Do you ever feel like someone in your life (a partner, family member, or friend) makes you question your own worth?
Practice mindfulness.
Stay in the present to prevent getting overwhelmed by fear. With an avoidant attachment style, it’s easy to get caught up in worries about the future or replay negative past events. When you catch yourself slipping into these thoughts, focus on grounding yourself and paying attention to your surroundings. Keep your focus on the here and now, instead of what's coming or what’s already happened.
- A simple way to remain present is to engage all five of your senses. When your mind wanders, try naming something you can taste, touch, smell, hear, and see.
- Maintain a humble, grounded outlook on life. Whether things are going well or not, this perspective can help you stay connected to who you are and remind you that life is still good.
Spend quality time with the people you care about.
The people you love can demonstrate that you can count on others. If you’ve struggled with trusting those around you, try building strong connections with people who will stand by you no matter what. Spend time with them and engage in activities that bring you joy, which will improve your outlook on relationships. Since a fearful avoidant attachment style often leads to seeing others negatively, it's important to seek out relationships where you feel positive support.
- If you don't have many close friends right now, that’s okay. It's common for people with fearful avoidant attachment styles to shy away from forming deep bonds. Consider joining a group or club that aligns with your interests to meet like-minded people.
Embrace others for who they truly are.
Everyone has their imperfections, and that’s perfectly fine. With a fearful avoidant attachment style, you may spend a lot of time looking for the ideal partner. However, every person has their own struggles and flaws, and you’ll never find someone who is entirely free of them. Embrace the reality that your loved ones and partners will have their own imperfections, just like you.
- It can help to weigh someone’s flaws against their positive qualities. When you catch yourself criticizing someone, try shifting your perspective. For example, think, “They might be late often, but at least they always check in with me.”
- You can also explore the deeper emotions behind your judgments. For instance, if your friend is late, do you feel neglected? If so, work through those feelings and remind yourself that their lateness isn't a reflection of your worth.
Establish your personal boundaries.
Know your limits and express them clearly. What are you comfortable with in a relationship? What are your non-negotiables? Many people with a fearful avoidant attachment style have boundaries but struggle to communicate them. When you express your boundaries, others can respect them, which fosters healthier connections. Take some time to reflect on your emotions, values, and what you need in relationships, so that you can articulate your boundaries effectively.
- For example, how much personal space do you require? Are there certain topics you won’t discuss?
- What are your core values? What really matters to you?
Communicate with your partner.
If you're in a relationship, share your journey of understanding your attachment style with your partner. They may offer valuable advice or encouragement. Let them know what you've learned about your attachment style, what steps you’re taking to improve it, and how they can support you in this process.
- “You might have noticed that I’ve been a bit distracted lately. I’m working on understanding and improving my attachment style and self-esteem. It would mean a lot to me if I could share my progress with you and explain how you can help.”
Form a connection with someone who has a secure attachment style.
You can learn by observing someone else’s attachment style. The good news is that 50% to 60% of people have a secure attachment style, so you likely know someone who exemplifies this. Pay attention to how they manage their emotions and relationships, and try to apply similar strategies in your own life.
- When they’re upset, do they retreat and shut down? Or do they openly express their feelings and communicate clearly?
- When they face rejection, do they take it personally, or do they move past it and try again?
Seek guidance from a mental health professional.
Therapy is one of the most effective ways to address your attachment style. Given that a fearful avoidant attachment style is often linked to deep-rooted trauma, it’s important to talk with someone you trust. A mental health professional can help you uncover the origins of your attachment style and guide you in making progress toward a more secure one.
How can you overcome the difficulties of an avoidant attachment style?
Engage in the Conversation...
My partner and I recently decided to take our relationship more seriously, and things have been going well. But recently, my partner’s therapist mentioned that they have an avoidant attachment style, and they asked me if I had noticed any of the signs. I’d never heard of it before, so I’m unsure. Is it good or bad? What should I be aware of in our relationship?
Leslie Bosch, PhD
Developmental Psychologist
Developmental Psychologist
People with an avoidant attachment style often try to downplay their own emotions as well as those of others. They tend to be disconnected from fully understanding their feelings. This behavior usually stems from how they were raised, not something they intentionally chose. It's often a reflection of what they observed from their parents, and they came to believe that this is the way they should handle emotions.
For someone with a fearful avoidant style, their thoughts might be “I’m not capable,” “Others can’t be trusted,” and “The world is a dangerous place.” As a result, they may struggle to know where to turn when they need support.
For someone with a fearful avoidant style, their thoughts might be “I’m not capable,” “Others can’t be trusted,” and “The world is a dangerous place.” As a result, they may struggle to know where to turn when they need support.
Anonymous WikiOwl
Being with someone who has an avoidant attachment style can be difficult. My 9-year-old girlfriend recently left without any explanation after what I thought was a great relationship. She just said it was nothing more than a hookup and walked away. She was so unemotional, almost robotic. Stay away from people with this attachment style.
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