How to Apologize

An apology is a way to express regret for a wrongdoing and to improve the relationship after the act. The injured party will forgive when they wish to restore the connection with the one who caused the pain. A good apology conveys three key elements: regret, responsibility, and compensation. Apologizing for a mistake may seem challenging, but it helps to heal and strengthen your relationship with others.

Let go of the 'right or wrong' mindset. Arguing over the details of an event that involves more than one person can be frustrating because it is highly subjective. How we experience and understand a situation is entirely different, and two people might have very different experiences of the same event. An apology should acknowledge the other person's feelings, whether you think they are 'right' or not.

• For example, imagine you went to the movies without your partner. They feel abandoned and hurt. Instead of arguing over whether they are 'right' or wrong for feeling that way, or whether going out was right or 'wrong', simply accept that they feel hurt when you apologize.

Use "I" Statements. A common mistake when apologizing is using "you" instead of "I" statements. When you apologize, you must take responsibility for your actions. Avoid shifting the blame onto the other person. Focus on what you did and refrain from making it sound like you're blaming them.

• For example, an ineffective apology would be saying, "I'm sorry you got hurt" or "I'm sorry you feel sad." An apology isn't meant to apologize for someone else's feelings. It must acknowledge your responsibility. Such statements don't help—they just place the blame on the person who was hurt.
• Instead, focus on yourself. Statements like "I'm sorry I hurt you" or "I'm sorry my actions made you sad" will show that you are taking responsibility for the harm you caused, without making it seem like you're blaming the other person.

Avoid Defending Your Actions. It is natural to want to explain your actions when apologizing, but this often undermines the sincerity of the apology, as the other person may see it as insincere.

• Defending yourself might include statements like "you misunderstood me" or dismissing the harm by saying, "it wasn't that bad" or giving reasons like "I was really upset, so I had no other choice."

Use Justifications Cautiously. An apology can demonstrate that you had no intention or desire to hurt the other person. This can be helpful in showing that you genuinely care about them and didn’t mean to cause harm. However, you must be careful not to let the justification turn into an excuse for the damage you caused.

• Examples of justifications include denying your intention, such as saying, "I didn’t mean to hurt you" or "It was accidental" or denying your own responsibility with phrases like "I was drunk, and I didn’t know what I was saying." Use these words cautiously, and always ensure you first acknowledge the harm you caused before offering any justifications for your actions.
• The likelihood of the injured party forgiving you is higher when you apologize and take responsibility, recognizing the harm, understanding proper behavior, and ensuring to act accordingly in the future.

Avoid Using the Word "But". An apology that includes the word "but" is rarely considered a genuine apology. The word "but" is often seen as a tool to negate the apology. It shifts the focus of the apology—acknowledging responsibility and regret—towards defending yourself. When people hear "but," they tend to stop listening. All they hear is "but this is really your fault."

• For example, don’t say something like, "I'm sorry, but I’m really tired." This emphasizes that you are apologizing for what you did, instead of focusing your regret on how you hurt the other person.
• Instead, say, "I'm sorry for getting angry with you. I know it hurt you. I was really tired at the time and said things that I now deeply regret."

Consider the Other Person's Needs and Personality. Research has shown that "self-perception" can influence how a person receives an apology. In other words, how the other person views themselves in relation to you and others can affect the best way to apologize to them.

• For example, some people value independence and things like rights and benefits. These individuals may be more likely to accept an apology that includes a specific way to make amends.
• Those who place value on personal relationships may be more inclined to accept an apology that expresses empathy and regret.
• Others may value social rules and standards, seeing themselves as part of society. These individuals are likely to accept an apology that acknowledges a violation of certain rules or values.
• If you're unsure about the person, try blending all of these approaches. Such apologies usually acknowledge what matters most to the other person.

Write out your apology, if you need to. If you find it difficult to express your apology in words, consider writing down your feelings. This will ensure that you express the right words and emotions. Take your time to carefully organize why you feel the need to apologize and what steps you'll take to avoid repeating the mistake in the future.

• If you’re worried about becoming too emotional, you can bring notes with you. The other person may appreciate the effort you've put into preparing your apology.
• If you're concerned you might make things worse, consider asking a close friend for help. Don’t rehearse to the point that your apology feels stiff and forced, but practicing with someone and getting their feedback can still be valuable.

Find the right moment. Even if you feel regret in the heat of the moment, apologizing won't be effective if it's done during a sensitive time. For example, if you're in the middle of an argument, your apology will likely fall flat. It's difficult to listen when emotions are running high. Wait until both of you have calmed down before offering your apology.

• Additionally, apologizing when you're still emotionally charged may prevent you from expressing your sincerity. Giving yourself some time to calm down will help you say what you need to and ensure that your apology feels genuine and meaningful. But don't wait too long—delaying an apology for days or weeks can make things worse.
• In a professional setting, it's best to apologize as soon as possible. This helps minimize disruptions in your work.

Apologize in person. Sincerity is much easier to convey when you apologize face-to-face. There are many ways to communicate nonverbally, such as through body language, facial expressions, and gestures. Whenever possible, apologize in person.

• If in-person isn't an option, use the phone. The tone of your voice will help show that you're being sincere.

Choose a quiet and private place to apologize. Apologizing is often a personal act. Finding a quiet, private setting to offer your apology will help you focus on the other person and avoid distractions.

• Choose a place where you both feel comfortable, and make sure you have enough time so that you're not rushing through the apology.

Make sure you have enough time to fully discuss the matter. A rushed apology is often ineffective. Apologies need to express certain key elements. You must fully acknowledge your mistake, explain what happened, show remorse, and demonstrate how you will act differently moving forward.

• Choose a time when you don't feel rushed or pressured. If you're preoccupied with other things you need to do, you won't be able to focus on your apology, and the other person will pick up on that.

Be open and avoid being defensive. This form of communication is called 'unified communication,' which involves discussing issues openly in a comfortable manner to reach a mutual understanding, often referred to as 'consensus.' This approach has been shown to foster positive long-term relationships.

• For example, if the person you’ve hurt brings up past actions they believe are related to your mistake, allow them to speak fully. Wait for a moment before responding. Consider their perspective, even if you don’t agree with it. Avoid yelling, insulting, or berating them.

Use open and humble body language. Non-verbal communication, like gestures, is just as important—if not more—than what you say. Avoid slouching or hanging your shoulders, as it signals that you are closed off from the conversation.

• Make eye contact while speaking and listening. Try to maintain eye contact at least 50% of the time when talking and 70% when listening.
• Avoid crossing your arms. This is a defensive posture that signals you're not open to the other person.
• Relax your face. You don't need to force a smile, but if you’re frowning or scowling, take a moment to relax your facial muscles.
• Keep your hands relaxed instead of clenched if you're trying to express something with your gestures.
• If the other person is standing close by and it's appropriate, consider a light touch to convey emotion. A hug or a gentle hand on the arm or hand can show how much they mean to you.

Show that you regret your actions. Demonstrate empathy for the other person. Acknowledge the pain and harm you have caused. Validate their emotions as completely legitimate.

• Studies have shown that apologies driven by guilt or shame are more likely to be accepted by the person hurt. On the other hand, apologies driven by pity often come across as insincere and are less likely to be accepted.
• For instance, you might start your apology by saying, 'I hurt you yesterday. I feel terrible for making you feel this way.'

Take responsibility. When you take responsibility, make it as clear as possible. A specific apology is often more meaningful because it shows that you truly care about the harm you've caused.

• Avoid being vague. Phrases like "I'm just a terrible person" are too general and don’t address any specific actions or situations. Generalizing makes resolving the issue more difficult; it's much easier to change a "thoughtless person" than a "bad person".
• For example, continue your apology by specifying what exactly caused the hurt: "I deeply regret causing you pain yesterday. I feel awful for making you hurt. I should not have spoken harshly to you just because you were late picking me up".

Outline how you will fix it. An apology is most effective when you offer concrete steps about how you intend to change or make amends.

• Identify the underlying issues and explain them without blaming anyone, and tell the other person what you're planning to do to resolve the problem and ensure you don’t repeat it in the future.
• For example: "I deeply regret hurting you yesterday. I feel so bad for causing you pain. I shouldn’t have spoken so harshly just because you were late. In the future, I will think more carefully before I speak".

Listen to the other person. The other person may want to express their feelings to you. They might still be upset and have questions for you. Try your best to stay calm and open.

• If they’re still upset, they may act unfriendly. If they shout or insult you, these negative emotions could make them unwilling to forgive you. You may need to pause the conversation or redirect it toward a more constructive topic.
• To pause the conversation, show empathy and offer them a choice. Avoid making it seem like you're blaming them. For example: "It’s clear that I hurt you, and it seems like you’re still upset. Should we take a break for now? I want to understand what you're saying, but I also want you to feel more comfortable".
• To redirect a negative conversation, try focusing on the specific behaviors the other person wants you to change instead of what you’ve actually done. For example, if they say, "You never respect me!" you could respond by asking, "What can I do to make you feel respected in the future?" or "How would you like me to behave next time?"

End with gratitude. Express your appreciation for the other person’s role in your life, emphasizing that you don’t want to endanger or destroy the relationship. This is the moment to summarize the things that have built and sustained your connection over time and to remind them that you truly care about them. Describe how empty your life would feel without their trust and presence.

Be patient. If an apology is not accepted, thank the person for listening and leave the door open in case they want to continue the conversation later. For example: "I understand that you’re still upset about this, but thank you for giving me the chance to apologize. If you change your mind, please feel free to call me." Sometimes they really want to forgive you, but they just need some time to cool down.

• Remember, just because someone accepts your apology doesn’t mean they’ve fully forgiven you. It might take time, possibly a long time, before they can completely let go and trust you again. There’s not much you can do to speed this process up, but there are ways you can help it fade. If the person truly matters to you, give them the time and space they need to heal. Don’t expect them to go back to acting like everything is normal right away.

Keep your word. A sincere apology involves not only acknowledging the harm but also offering a solution or demonstrating your willingness to make things right. When you promise to resolve the issue, you must follow through to show that your apology is genuine and complete. Otherwise, your apology loses its value, and trust may be completely eroded.

• Sometimes, try checking in with the other person. For example, a few weeks later, you might ask, "I know my actions a few weeks ago hurt you, and I’ve really been working to make things better. How do you feel now?"

• Sometimes, an unsuccessful apology can reopen the previous argument that you wanted to fix. Be very careful not to reignite any conflicts or bring up old wounds. Always remember, an apology doesn’t mean that what you said was completely wrong or inaccurate—it means you regret that your words hurt the other person, and you want to mend the relationship.
• Even if you feel that part of the argument was due to a misunderstanding on the other person’s part, avoid placing blame while apologizing. If you believe better communication could improve things between you two, you can mention that as part of how you plan to prevent the same issue from happening again.
• If possible, pull the person aside to apologize privately. This will not only reduce the likelihood of others influencing their decision but will also help you feel less anxious. However, if you offended them in public and embarrassed them, your apology might be more effective if you address the situation in front of others.
• After you apologize, take time for yourself and reflect on how you can better handle similar situations in the future. Remember, part of an apology is a commitment to becoming a better person. This way, the next time a similar situation arises, you’ll be better prepared to address it without hurting anyone.
• If the other person is willing to discuss how to resolve the situation, see this as an opportunity. For instance, if you forgot your spouse’s birthday or an important anniversary, you might decide to plan another special evening and make it even more memorable. This doesn’t mean it’s okay to forget again, but it shows that you’re willing to make things right and improve the situation.
• One apology often leads to another, whether it’s yours for something you feel guilty about or the other person’s as they recognize the argument was a two-way street. Be prepared to forgive.
• First, wait until the other person has cooled down. Just like a cup of tea (once stirred), it needs some time to settle. People may still be upset, so they may not be ready to forgive yet.