Buzz
Having crushes on friends is something we all experience. But when you and your friend have different sexual orientations, feelings for them can be complicated. When your interest becomes too obvious to hide, it’s time to take action. However, be cautious—expressing romantic feelings to a friend requires care and delicacy.
Steps
Assessing Her Feelings
Clarify your sexual orientation. If she isn’t aware that you’re bisexual or a lesbian, she won’t be able to read your feelings for her. Once she knows, she will likely pick up on the subtle signs of your attraction.
- If you haven't yet come out to her, you can casually say something that hints at your sexuality. You might mention an ex-girlfriend or remark, “It feels so liberating to be open about my sexuality at my new job.”
- Revealing your orientation could prompt her to open up about her own, but it’s not guaranteed. If you feel comfortable, you could ask, “Do you think you could ever imagine being with a woman?”
Keep your emotions in check. You may feel overwhelmed inside, but try to stay composed on the outside. You're still figuring out whether she shares your feelings. If you're too consumed by your emotions, it will be harder to read hers.
- Spend time with friends or engage in activities that can distract you from your crush.
- Avoid idealizing her. Focus on the real, imperfect aspects of her, not an idealized version.
Spend more time with her. The more you interact with her, the better you’ll be able to gauge her feelings. It also gives her the opportunity to know you better and maybe even develop feelings for you.
- Notice if she also makes an effort to spend time with you. If you're always the one to arrange hangouts, she may not feel the same way.
- Pay attention to how your time together unfolds. Are you always in a big group? Does she seem distracted by her phone or other people? These may be signs that she’s not romantically inclined towards you.
Look for signs of affection. People express their feelings in many different ways. Be on the lookout for common behaviors that might suggest she’s interested in you.
- Friends typically aren’t awkward with each other. If she seems shy or uncomfortable around you, that might indicate she has feelings for you.
- Does she text you just to chat? Does she remember small details from your conversations and bring them up? Does she do thoughtful things for you? These are strong signs she may have feelings for you.
Ask a trustworthy friend. Find someone you can rely on. Even if you don’t directly share your feelings, your mutual friend will probably catch on. If you have a friend who can keep a secret, seek their advice. They might know more about your crush’s dating history or current romantic status.
- Ask your mutual friend if they know your crush’s sexual orientation.
- If you feel comfortable, you can confess your feelings and ask for their advice. However, don’t take anyone’s advice too seriously—always trust your own instincts.
Sharing Your Feelings
Be prepared for the outcome. Confessing a crush to a friend can change the dynamic of your relationship. Ask yourself, how will you feel if your friend reacts awkwardly or becomes uncomfortable? Is that something you're emotionally ready to handle?
- Understand that expressing your feelings may risk your friendship. However, sometimes it’s less painful than keeping your emotions to yourself.
Send subtle signals. Start with small gestures to see how she responds. This approach lets you communicate your feelings without fully exposing yourself at first. If she notices, she’ll probably start to consider the possibility that you might like her. Even if she’s unsure, she may still be flattered.
- Eye contact can be a great flirting tool. Make eye contact and hold it just a little longer than usual, then look away. This subtle gesture is often interpreted as a sign of attraction.
- Initiate light, casual touch. Keep it friendly, not overtly romantic. A gentle touch on her arm or shoulder when you check in with her, or a warm hug as you say goodbye, can convey interest. If she reciprocates, it may be a sign that she feels similarly.
Pick the right time and place to confess. Be considerate when choosing the moment to share your feelings. Understand that your friend might feel uneasy when you open up. Choose a private, comfortable space where you can talk openly without distractions.
- Invite her for a walk in a peaceful place where you both feel at ease.
- Alternatively, invite her to your home, but ensure it’s easy for her to leave if the conversation becomes uncomfortable.
Be straightforward. Avoid beating around the bush, but maintain composure. There's no need to mention every time you've checked her Instagram or how long you’ve been harboring feelings. Simply express that you're interested.
- Instead of delving into your emotions, you could directly ask her out on a date. Make it clear that it’s a date, not just a casual hangout. Say something like, “I’d love to take you on a date. Would you be open to that?”
- Let her know that you don’t expect her to feel the same. You might say, “I have a crush on you, but I understand if you don’t feel the same way. I just wanted to let you know.”
- Give her the time and space to process. You could add, “I know this might come as a surprise, but I’ve had feelings for you for a while, and I wanted to tell you. Take your time to think about it, though.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 634 Mytour readers who’ve confessed their crushes to friends, and 54% said their main goal was to see if there’s a chance for a romantic relationship. [Take Poll] Don’t hesitate to share how you feel—it might just work out in your favor!
Allow her to respond in her own time. She may need a moment to process the news. If she wants to talk more, keep the conversation honest and open.
- If she’s interested, that’s great! Let her know you're happy to hear she feels the same way.
- If she reciprocates, you can start exploring more romantic forms of contact, like holding hands. Let her know you’re happy to take things slowly.
- If her response is negative or painful, let her communicate her feelings without harshness. There are gentle ways for her to let you down without being unkind.
- Respond gracefully to her reply, acknowledging her feelings, even if it’s difficult for you.
Maintaining the Friendship
Clarify the situation. If she shares your feelings, you might be moving toward a romantic relationship. If she doesn’t, it’s important to ensure you both are committed to preserving the friendship. Either way, have a candid discussion about what the next steps should be.
- If you want to pursue romance, you could say something like, “If things don’t work out, I really hope we can still be friends afterward.”
- If she doesn’t feel the same way, it’s okay to take a step back from the friendship as you process your emotions and move on.
Reaffirm the importance of the friendship. Sometimes, when a friend expresses romantic interest, it can feel like the friendship is solely based on that attraction. Make sure she knows how much you value her beyond the romantic context.
- You might say, “I understand that you’re not romantically interested in me, but I truly hope we can continue being friends. Your friendship means a lot to me.”
Own up to the situation. Recognize that your confession has likely affected the dynamic between you. Let her know you’re committed to doing what’s necessary to restore the friendship.
- Say something like, “I know that sharing my feelings might have made things awkward between us, but it was important for me to be honest. Now that I know where you stand, I really want to work on rebuilding our friendship.”
Give yourself the time you need. If your crush was intense, you may need some distance to heal before you can return to a normal friendship. It’s crucial that you move on before you can stay friends with her.
- Be upfront about needing time. You could say, “I respect your feelings, but I think I need a little space to heal from mine.”
- If you feel it’s necessary, you can ask for time without contact. You could say, “I need some time to move on, and I think it would be better if I reach out to you when I’m ready. I’m not sure I can hang out right now.”
Don’t take rejection personally. More often than not, your friend simply isn’t attracted to women, even if she values your friendship deeply. Rejection is not a reflection of your worth, so try not to take it to heart.
- Surround yourself with other supportive friends who uplift you. This can help strengthen your sense of self-love.
- Remind yourself of your positive qualities. Tell yourself, “I’m an amazing person, and I have so much to offer.”
Let go and move forward. There are countless opportunities out there for you. The more time you spend ruminating on one rejection, the longer your heartache will last. Shift your focus to someone else who sparks your interest.
- Consider trying online dating. It could be a great way to meet people who share your orientation and are outside of your immediate social circle.
- If you’re not quite ready to date, spend time with friends and family to help take your mind off things.
Reconnect when you're ready. Over time, you’ll likely move past your crush and find that you’re ready to reconnect as friends. Reach out to her and express your excitement about catching up. Suggest hanging out as friends.
- Try not to expect that she’ll suddenly feel the same way. Manage your expectations as you navigate the friendship.
- When you meet, keep things light and avoid any behaviors that might be interpreted as flirting. Respect boundaries and foster a comfortable dynamic.
Join the Conversation...
I'm thinking about coming out as bi to my parents, but I'm really nervous about how they'll react. How should I approach them? It's been weighing on me, and part of me wonders if I should wait until I move out to say anything. :')
Inge Hansen, PsyD
Clinical Psychologist
Clinical Psychologist
Parents have different capacities for accepting their children's sexual orientation. Some might need time and support to process the news, while others might be more open right away. When you're ready, it’s helpful to pick a calm moment for the conversation. Let your parents know you have something important to share, and explain that you’re bisexual, describing your journey of self-discovery. Be clear that this conversation is a sign of trust, as it’s a big step for you.
If they react negatively, give them space and lean on friends or others who understand and accept you. It’s important to remember that their initial reaction may change as they process things. But there’s also a chance they might surprise you with their acceptance right away. Best of luck!
If they react negatively, give them space and lean on friends or others who understand and accept you. It’s important to remember that their initial reaction may change as they process things. But there’s also a chance they might surprise you with their acceptance right away. Best of luck!
Jin S. Kim, MA
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Everyone's coming-out journey is different. It’s important to understand that coming out is not a one-time event—it’s a continuous experience for LGBTQ people in a world that’s predominantly heteronormative. When deciding whether to come out to your parents, consider factors such as your safety and whether you might risk being kicked out. Are your parents highly religious? What are the cultural implications that might affect their reaction? Do you have the support you need if their response is overwhelmingly negative?
See all 68 Replies and
Read Discussion-
Keep in mind that having a crush on a friend is totally normal. Bisexuals and lesbians can have crushes just like straight people do.
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It’s important to remember that your friend values you for who you are. Don’t feel like you need to change yourself or hide your feelings just because you have a crush on her.
Things to Consider
- Sharing your romantic feelings with a friend could change the dynamic of your friendship, possibly permanently. Be sure to consider if you're ready for that kind of shift before moving forward.
