How to ask someone staying temporarily at your place to leave

Many people have experienced the situation where friends or family come to stay during difficult times. Most of us are happy to help, at least for a short while. However, when you realize that your guest has turned into a long-term ‘roommate,’ it can be challenging to ask them to leave without conflict.

Identify why you want your guest to leave. You need to be clear on your reasons before having the conversation with them. Review the agreement made when they arrived or any promises made or broken. Evaluate their current behavior based on the facts. While 'I don’t want to live with them anymore' can be a sufficient reason to ask them to leave, it’s helpful to mention specific details such as 'they never do the dishes,' 'they promised to leave months ago,' etc., before having the talk.

• Document any issues as they occur, including dates. Keep detailed records of their behavior in case things get tricky.
• This conversation won’t be easy and might damage your relationship. However, living with significant differences or serious issues can harm your friendship, so you need to speak up if they’ve overstayed their welcome.

Engage in respectful and rational dialogue. Even though you might feel frustrated, tired, or violated, it is important not to rely on emotions or make unreasonable demands. Present the reasons why you need them to move out, and let them know you understand how difficult it might be. Talk to them as if they were a colleague, sticking to the facts and not letting emotions influence the conversation.

• "We've really enjoyed having you here, but unfortunately we need to reclaim the room, so we must ask you to move out within the next two weeks."
• Stick to the reasons you have prepared. If any issues arise or they fail to meet their commitments, remind them that they have not fulfilled their responsibilities and need to find a new place to live.

Provide detailed and objective evidence if they ask why they must leave. Avoid responses like "because I don't like you" or "because you're lazy". Offer specific examples instead of insulting them. Now is the time to have your list ready. If there are several issues, list each incident with dates. When they ask "why", talk about the 2-3 times they promised but failed to follow through, or caused trouble for you.

• Focus on the reasons you want them to move out, avoiding bringing up all their flaws if possible. "We need more space," "we are no longer able to accommodate you," etc.

Set a clear deadline for them to move out. Telling them they must leave that very night can create tremendous pressure and stress, and the guest might not have anywhere else to go. Instead, pick a date by which they must leave and make it clear that it’s the final deadline. Generally, you should give them at least 1-2 weeks, or until the end of the month, so they have time to prepare.

• "I hope you can move out before the 20th of April."
• If there’s a valid reason why that date doesn’t work, you can negotiate with them to find another reasonable date. However, do not extend it by more than 3-5 days.

Offer assistance or alternatives as a gesture of goodwill. If you know of other places that can offer accommodation, gather information to help your guest find a new place. You could even introduce them to those options, letting them know that while they must leave, there are other opportunities available. They might protest, but your actions show you care about their well-being and help ease the tension.

Be firm, clear, and consistent in your decision. Once you've made the decision to ask someone to leave your home, you need to stand firm. The conversation might get difficult and heated, no matter how well prepared you are. However, you must remain resolute in your decision. If they manage to convince you to change your mind, they’ll think they can continue breaking rules and not keeping their word. If the situation has gotten bad enough that you need them to leave, you must be decisive.

Understand that this situation could damage your relationship. Asking a friend or relative to leave your home is a stressful task and can lead to lasting conflicts. However, keeping them there for too long can also harm the relationship just as much. If both sides are constantly clashing, if your guest is taking advantage of you, or if you simply don’t get along, living together under one roof could turn toxic. However, there are ways you can try to maintain the friendship:

• Help them find a new place or a job.
• Avoid using harsh words, even in tense moments. If they get angry, stay calm and remind them why it’s important for you that they find new housing. Don’t resort to insults.
• Invite them over for dinner and continue to meet like friends outside of the house.
• If a severe argument or disagreement occurs, it might be best to cut ties completely.

Send a formal notice to have them move out within 30 days at most. Although the guest may not be an official tenant, certain landlord-tenant laws could apply if they have been staying with you for more than 30 days. Consult with a lawyer to help draft and send the eviction notice. Sending a written warning beforehand is important to ensure you fulfill your responsibilities.

• This notice will place them in the position of an 'at-will tenant'. You need to be in this status if you intend to pursue legal action, so don’t overlook this step.

File a formal eviction request with your local court if they refuse to leave. If they’ve paid for groceries or bills, they might be considered a legitimate 'at-will tenant', which makes it more complicated to evict them. If they ignore the first notice, you will need to file a formal eviction request with the local district court to remove them.

• If you plan to seek a court order, prepare a list of issues and violations (known as 'for-cause eviction') and a copy of the lease agreement or any other relevant agreements.
• In general, your letter should clearly state the location where the guest can collect their belongings should they fail to move out, and the specific date their items will be removed.

Do not change the locks unless you are concerned about your safety. If you suddenly change the locks to prevent an 'at-will tenant' from entering, especially while their belongings are still inside, you could face a civil lawsuit and costly legal action. Changing the locks, if it causes trouble or prevents the guest from accessing their property, could even land you in jail in some cases. Moreover, this usually escalates tensions and leads to more serious issues.

• Once you have a court order and/or have notified the police that you are concerned for your safety, you can change the locks without legal trouble.

Call the police if they refuse to leave. Unless they have legal residency rights in your home (usually determined if they have received mail or are named on the lease), the guest can be evicted as a 'trespasser'. Of course, involving the police should be a last resort, and even just mentioning calling the police may be enough to get them to leave. Some police officers may refuse to handle such cases. However, if you’ve sent an eviction notice and/or filed a request with the court, they will come and remove the guest from your property as an intruder.

Establish rules and limits from the outset. If you feel like your guest is becoming more of a roommate than just a visitor, it’s important to set clear guidelines as soon as possible. This will give you a foundation to stand on when the time comes to ask them to leave—you can refer back to the specific rules you established earlier instead of getting angry.

• Set expectations in the first week. Do they need to pay rent? Should they be going to job interviews? You need to set standards that they must meet if they want to stay with you.

Set a deadline for them to move out. Before officially asking the guest to leave, sit down and ask when they plan to move. If the ball is in their court, it will be easier for them to leave when the deadline approaches. If they don’t have a plan, you should set the deadline yourself. Think of a specific milestone like "when they get a job" or "after six months."

• If they need a job, help them set specific goals to reach—such as applying for one job a day, rewriting their resume, etc. Make sure they are genuinely making an effort to find work and not just taking advantage of free housing.
• If you're unsure about letting them stay, you could offer a trial period. When they move in, tell them they can stay temporarily for 2-3 months and make it clear you're not sure if they’ll be able to stay longer.

Keep a record of issues and problems that arise. If your guest breaks the rules, shows disrespect, or fails to follow through on promises, write down the events along with the dates they occurred. This will help you provide concrete evidence rather than vague reasons or emotional justifications when discussing their move-out.

• Keep things as objective as possible. Asking them to leave doesn’t necessarily have to damage the friendship, especially when based on practical reasons instead of emotions.

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