How to Ask Your Husband for Help with Household Chores

Dividing household chores can be a point of contention between couples. Often, one partner feels like they are doing more or handling all the tasks without any help from their spouse. This can lead to resentment and arguments. Having a clear plan in mind before requesting your husband to assist more with housework can help you avoid conflicts and gradually make the process of completing chores more efficient and convenient for both of you.

Identify the tasks that need attention. You should create a list of all tasks for the week, clearly specifying who is responsible for each. By identifying the mandatory tasks, you clarify the first obstacle your husband may have in neglecting unfinished duties. Furthermore, specifying the tasks will help both of you understand the components that make up the household work. Some typical chores include:

• Cleaning all areas in the house
• Laundry (washing, ironing, folding, and putting away clothes)
• Grocery shopping and visiting other stores
• Cooking and washing dishes
• Paying and sorting bills
• Yard work, gardening, and maintenance
• Taking children to extracurricular activities, doctor appointments, etc.
• Pet care, including grooming, feeding, etc.

Pick a Specific Day to Discuss Household Chores. Choose a time after a pleasant day or on the weekend—just avoid discussing it after an argument or when something is distracting your husband. Enjoy a drink, take a break from the kids (and the TV), and bring the list to your meeting.

• Don’t bring up the subject of household help when you’re arguing or in a stressful situation; you’ll never get the help you need if that’s the case.
• Avoid treating your husband like a child or becoming bossy. This will only lead to arguments and won’t help change anything. Also, try not to be stubborn about your own point of view; doing so will only cause you to get angrier while the other person just acknowledges your frustration without taking it seriously.

Start by Letting Your Husband Know You Appreciate the Work He Does for the House and Family. Acknowledge the tasks he’s completed and discuss the difference his contributions make to the family. Then, explain that because you feel overworked, you would really appreciate it if he could help more.

• Provide him with a task list so he can clearly see the various chores in the house.
• Let him know that his contributions will help you conserve energy and provide the family more time to engage in other activities rather than waiting for you to finish household tasks.
• Avoid shouting at your husband. No one likes being yelled at. If he feels like he’s being scolded, he’ll withdraw.

Be Assertive. Maintaining the household is a shared effort. Don’t hesitate to point out tasks where you need additional help.

• If your husband resists, be patient. You may need to compromise at first. Choose 2 or 3 tasks you really want him to do and address those first.
• Let him know if you believe certain tasks could be done more efficiently or quickly with his specific skills or temperament.

Identify Easy, Medium, and Difficult Tasks. Evaluate each task by considering how time-consuming, physically demanding, and frequent it needs to be done. For example, cleaning the floor could be a medium-level task that involves mopping, sweeping, and scrubbing.

• When making the list, consider factors that could make cleaning easier. For example, could you upgrade the vacuum cleaner or buy better cleaning products? These are great tasks to assign to your husband. Making him feel like he’s the one who bought these tools will help him take pride in using them to prove they work better than the old ones!

Ask your husband to review the list and identify tasks he's willing to take on. Encourage him to pick both simple tasks and a few more challenging ones, so that household duties are fairly divided. If he lacks the experience or knowledge to complete difficult tasks, have a conversation about when you can show him how.

Recognize and learn from each other’s strengths. A key part of the discussion about dividing housework will focus on tasks where you're both skilled. Some tasks may be easier or less stressful for one of you, depending on your individual skills and temperaments. This is a great opportunity to discuss how you can both learn from each other, so that in the future, you'll both feel more confident handling any task that comes your way.

• Both of you should create lists of tasks you believe you're good at and compare them.
• List tasks you dislike and hope your partner can take on instead.
• Work together to solve problems. If neither of you likes a particular task, think of strategies to make it easier. Perhaps there are tasks that you should do together.
• Take time to teach each other how to handle a particular household chore. If your husband has a different way of washing dishes, suggest that he teach you his method. Be willing to take on the role of the student and open your mind to the benefits of doing things differently. Switch roles for tasks you feel confident about. Ask your husband to listen and get involved before suggesting changes or asking questions.
• Be ready to listen. Don’t interrupt when he’s explaining how to tackle a task. Keep an open mind and ask your husband to do the same with you.

Swap tasks with each other. One reason people resist housework is because it can become repetitive and dull. If neither of you enjoys a particular task, take turns doing it on different days or weeks. For example, you wash the dishes this week while he does the laundry, and next week you can switch. This approach fosters a shared sense of responsibility while breaking up the monotony of doing the same chores every day.

Acknowledge and encourage his efforts. Trust that your husband will do housework in the best way he knows how. Be open to the fact that even if his methods are different, they can still be effective. If there are tasks you prefer to be done a certain way, you may want to consider handling them yourself.

Let your husband know how and when you plan to complete your tasks. Don't insist that he should handle them in a specific way or by a certain day. Instead, explain your approach and what works for you.

• Avoid sounding condescending. This should be a chance to share your perspective rather than instructing him as though he’s incapable or unwilling. Instead of saying, "You need to do it this way," try saying, "I prefer to do it this way. It brings the best results for me."
• Be open to suggestions. Ask questions like, "Do you have any ideas on how to improve this process?" or "What do you think about trying this approach?"

Set aside time weekly to do chores together, followed by some downtime for relaxation and fun. Saturday mornings can be ideal if both of you are free, allowing you to enjoy the rest of the weekend. If that doesn’t work, find another suitable time to tackle chores together.

• Cook dinner together. This can be a great opportunity to talk about your day and also experiment with new recipes each week, learning new skills along the way.
• Assign him the task of washing dishes while you dry them. Alternatively, you could wash them quickly while he loads them into the dishwasher.
• Play music or stream a radio show while cleaning the living room. Anything that adds a little entertainment or joy to the chores will make the tasks feel less tedious and might even turn them into a fun bonding experience.
• Think of yourselves as a team. Treat household chores as a joint challenge, with both of you working together to win. Keep score for your team and reward yourselves with a TV break or a glass of wine once all tasks are complete.

Plan your cleaning ahead of time. Help your husband mentally and emotionally prepare for weekend cleaning. Tackle it together and set a time limit so the day isn't consumed by chores. The goal is to involve him without overwhelming him, so he’ll be more likely to participate again. Start with smaller tasks and gradually build up.

• Create a task list, outlining each chore along with the deadlines.
• Plan for other activities like a walk or a reading break, so your day doesn’t revolve solely around housework.

Create a reward system. This approach should apply to both of you. Take turns completing chores and earning rewards. Whoever cleans the bathroom gets to pick the movie for the night. Whoever cleans the fridge earns a 20-minute back massage before bed.

Build a habit of thanking each other for maintaining the home. Both of you contribute to the household’s harmony, so make it a point to acknowledge this regularly. The more often you show gratitude, the more it becomes a good habit.

• Thank him for specific tasks. "Thank you for cleaning the kitchen floor. It looks amazing!" It’s easy to overlook each other’s efforts after a while.
• Remind your husband how much you appreciate his gratitude towards you.
• Thank each other for the effort. No matter how hard you try, there will be weeks when one of you ends up doing more chores than the other. This is part of being a partner in a relationship. Recognize when your partner has to do more to ease the burden in other areas of life, and be ready to reciprocate when it's your turn.

Remind yourself that change will take time. You need to be flexible and patient. Shifting old habits takes time, especially when one person is often relying on the other to maintain a clean home. You will need to gently remind him multiple times and offer encouragement, but persistence is key until it becomes a standard in your household. And remember, don't hold grudges; he will make mistakes, and so will you. Just calmly remind him of his tasks when he forgets them.

• Check in with each other weekly. Set aside time to discuss how the household chores went that week. Avoid blaming one another. Everyone’s schedule is different, and no two weeks are the same. Start the conversation by focusing on what went well, rather than what didn’t. Focusing on the positive will make it easier to discuss issues that didn’t go as planned without causing tension.