Buzz
It's normal to feel vulnerable and desperate at times. Whether you’ve recently gone through a breakup or faced a major life shift, it’s important to resist displaying desperate behavior and instead exude self-confidence.
Steps
Preventing Desperate Actions
Refrain from constantly complaining about being single. Even if you make light of it, it still gives off the impression that you are desperately seeking a date. This behavior not only makes you seem desperate but can also show a lack of respect for friends who are in relationships. Avoid making statements such as:
- ”You're so lucky to be in a relationship, I wish I could have what you have.”
- ”I can't stand being single! I wish I could find someone.”
- ”I don’t want to feel like a third wheel; it’s tough being single.”
Don't seek validation through compliments. Fishing for compliments involves attempting to get others to say nice things about you. You do this by expressing self-criticism, hoping someone will disagree. Avoid fishing for compliments from those you’re interested in or from friends. This behavior makes you appear insecure, disingenuous, and desperate. Steer clear of phrases such as:
- ”I’m so overweight. I’ll never find a partner.”
- ”I’m so stupid!”
- ”I look terrible today.”
- ”Do you think this shirt looks good on me?”
Don’t neglect your friends. Don’t push your friends aside in an attempt to make yourself seem better. This will breed resentment and cause you to lose friends. Avoid saying or doing things like:
- Sharing an embarrassing story about a friend to make yourself look superior.
- Ignoring your friends while trying to catch the attention of someone you’re attracted to.
- Making negative comments about your friends to boost your own image (e.g. "Oh, Stacy doesn’t like basketball. Not like me.")
Don’t stretch the truth or fabricate stories. The truth always comes out; exaggerating your qualities to grab someone’s attention is a desperate tactic that will eventually backfire. Lying is all too common in dating. Some typical falsehoods include:
- Falsifying your job.
- Exaggerating your salary or wealth.
- Lying about your age.
- Misleading someone about your relationship status.
Don’t overexert yourself. Learning to be content with who you are is crucial to being happy in a relationship. If you’re pushing too hard to be someone you're not, it will put unnecessary stress on both your life and the relationship. Some signs of trying too hard in a relationship may include:
- Over-pleasing -- Trying to make your partner feel good is great, but going overboard may seem desperate, making your partner feel like you need them too much.
- Rushing things -- It’s important to be honest about your relationship expectations, but pushing too quickly can seem desperate. For example, avoid discussing major life decisions like marriage or children early on.
Be cautious when you meet someone new. Dr. Chloe Carmichael, a licensed clinical psychologist and relationship coach, advises: "Many people throw caution to the wind when they meet someone exciting or dazzling. While you don’t always need to play hard to get, jumping into a relationship impulsively can be unwise."
Mastering the Art of Letting Go
Recognize when it's time to move on. Once you’ve realized that someone isn't interested in you, it’s important to know when to stop chasing and walk away. Persisting with someone who doesn't feel the same can lead to resentment. Also, recognize when it’s time to let go of a relationship that you're desperately holding onto. Consider walking away if:
- You can't recall the last meaningful, heartfelt conversation.
- You struggle to find common ground.
- You or your partner don't respect each other.
- You both struggle with compromise.
- The bad moments start to outnumber the good ones.
Don’t obsessively check up on them online. Avoid stalking the person you’re interested in on social media or the internet. Don’t comment on their photos, posts, or emails. It’s also best to resist over-analyzing their online activity. Other signs of e-stalking include:
- Investigating other people who have interacted with your partner/crush.
- Reading their emails or personal messages.
- Scrolling through their old posts or pictures.
- Calling them out for engaging with others online.
Don’t be overly clingy. It's important to let your partner feel comfortable and not overwhelmed by too much attention. Give them space:
- Avoid texting repeatedly within a short time or sending messages just for the sake of texting. Only text when you have something meaningful to say or a legitimate reason.
- Don’t get anxious or upset if they don’t respond immediately.
- Don’t follow them around constantly.
- Don't sacrifice your plans with friends just in case your partner wants to hang out or go on a date.
Building a Strong, Confident Self-Image
Uphold your personal standards. If you’ve been single for a while or feel lonely, it can be tempting to settle for anyone who shows interest. However, doing so could result in an unsatisfying and potentially harmful relationship. Stick to your standards by:
- Seeking a partner who respects you and your interests. Being with someone who disrespects you shows that you’re settling for anyone, just to avoid being alone. Look for someone you can share your passions with and who won’t belittle you.
- Choosing a partner who enjoys spending quality time with you. If your partner only makes time for you when it's convenient for them, you might be clinging to companionship rather than nurturing a healthy relationship.
- Looking for someone whose values and goals align with yours. A relationship should be built on mutual respect for your core beliefs.
Don't justify mistreatment. Desperation can manifest even in ongoing relationships. Don’t cling to a relationship that isn’t working just because you’re afraid to be alone. Consider ending a relationship if:
- Your partner is emotionally or physically abusive. This is dangerous to your mental and physical health, and it’s something you don’t need to endure.
- Your partner disrespects you, your friends, or your family. Don’t be so desperate for approval from others that you overlook this disrespect. Be in a relationship for your own happiness, not just to avoid being single.
- Your partner brings negativity into your life. Don’t make excuses for your partner’s behavior in hopes of a change. There’s a difference between supporting someone and enabling unhealthy behavior.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Constantly comparing yourself to others can lead to a poor self-image and negative thinking. Instead, focus on your strengths and what makes you unique.
- Identify which aspects of your life you tend to compare. Is it your appearance? Your intelligence? Once you recognize these tendencies, you can work on letting go of them.
- Remember that you control your actions and feelings. Society might try to dictate how you should look or feel, but ultimately, you are the only one who can decide how to think and act.
- Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This can help build better habits that boost self-confidence and happiness.
Surround yourself with positive influences. Building good habits is much easier when you have supportive people around you. Don’t isolate yourself; instead, surround yourself with people who encourage you and help guide you toward making positive life decisions.
Things to Watch Out For
- If someone is truly interested, they will make it clear. Acting desperate will not improve your chances.
