Buzz
Most people find it easy to maintain a balance between friendship and romantic love; however, many unknowingly develop deeper feelings for their best friends. If this happens, or if you fear it might, you need to carefully avoid the triggers that could turn friendship into love.
Steps
When you're with your best friend
Clarify the nature of your friendship. Worrying about developing romantic feelings for your best friend will cloud your thoughts and emotions about your friendship. If you find yourself attracted to your friend, remind yourself of the reasons you became friends in the first place and why you value that bond. Then, think about what would be lost if you followed your heart and pursued a romantic relationship.
- Romantic feelings can complicate things and damage a long-lasting friendship.
- As a friend, you should be able to listen to your best friend talk about dating someone else without feeling envious or longing. If you cannot do this, you need more time away from that person.
Overcoming attraction. You may fear falling in love with your best friend because what you feel might only be temporary attraction or lust. This is okay, as these feelings will likely fade away without concrete actions to follow them.
- Revisit your history of dating. This step will offer you deeper insights into your own dating patterns and help you break those cycles.
- Change requires action on your part. You’ll need to actively shift your perspective on your best friend, no longer seeing them as a potential romantic partner.
- Be mindful of moments when you have romantic or lustful thoughts about your friend. Consider wearing a rubber band and snapping it on your wrist each time you have guilty thoughts, as soon as they arise.
- If you view your best friend as a sibling or family member, it will reduce the attraction. Try to think of them in a way that diminishes your romantic or sexual interest.
Set appropriate boundaries. A lack of personal boundaries can make the feelings for your best friend grow stronger and more uncomfortable. Remember, the friendship you share is important, and turning it into something romantic or sexual could destroy it.
- Act like friends, but avoid behaviors typical of romantic partners. For example, avoid holding hands, hugging intimately, or kissing.
- Consider limiting one-on-one hangouts. Aim to see each other only once a week.
Hang out in groups. If being alone with your friend feels inappropriate, try spending time together within a group. Being surrounded by others fosters social bonding and reduces the temptation and intense urges that may arise if you're alone.
- Make an excuse to decline when they invite you to hang out just the two of you, or suggest hanging out in public places like cafes or parks instead of going to each other's homes.
- You can talk to another friend about your feelings, but only if you trust them not to gossip or tease you about it. If they tend to spread rumors, it’s best not to share.
Keep your feelings to yourself. Confessing feelings for a friend who can’t reciprocate might make them uncomfortable, awkward, or even disappointed. Even though you may be able to talk openly with them, revealing your romantic feelings will likely cause changes that could affect your friendship.
- Consider whether setting boundaries and spending less time together might help reduce your feelings. You might find that you can manage your emotions privately, without telling anyone about them.
- If your friend is already in a relationship (or you are), or if they’ve shown no romantic interest in you, it’s best not to confess your feelings. Instead, consider dating someone else.
- However, you may need to have an honest conversation with your friend if your feelings won’t fade, or if they become confused and hurt by your distance. In such cases, it’s better to explain what’s going on.
Overcome your own emotions.
Stay busy. Find ways to distract yourself from your feelings for your friend. This could involve engaging in activities you enjoy, or stepping outside to experience new things, meet new people.
- Meet up with friends or family at least a few times a week. Keeping in touch with others can help keep your mind off your feelings for your friend.
- If your family or friends aren’t available, you can still stay occupied. Go for walks or bike rides, explore the city, find a new hobby, or sign up for a class.
Prioritize self-care. Overcoming romantic feelings for a friend is similar to breaking up with a partner. You’ll experience sadness, anger, and a range of emotions that can drain your motivation. However, maintaining your daily routine and focusing on self-care is crucial during this period.
- Exercise. Physical activity can help burn away frustration and release endorphins, which lift your spirits.
- Aim to be active for about 30 minutes each day. Most experts recommend 150 minutes of moderate-intensity exercise per week, or 75 minutes at a higher intensity.
- Engage in activities you enjoy, like shopping or meeting friends. These distractions can bring joy and prevent your mind from dwelling on your friend.
- Make sure you're eating nutritious meals, showering, and grooming daily. Many people neglect themselves after a breakup, but this only makes it harder to heal and feel better.
Talk about your feelings. If you need to distance yourself from the friend you're secretly in love with, you'll go through a lot of difficult emotions. Keeping those feelings bottled up will only overwhelm you. Instead, talk to a trustworthy friend or a skilled therapist.
- If you're confiding in a friend, make sure they're someone reliable. You wouldn’t want to be teased or have your romantic feelings exposed.
- If you're considering therapy, ask your doctor for recommendations.
- A therapist can help you navigate this difficult situation and uncover behavioral patterns, offering tools to overcome other life challenges.
Confess to your friend.
Summon the courage to talk to your friend. You might worry about sharing your feelings with your friend—at this point, you're vulnerable, afraid of rejection, and risking a change or even an end to your friendship. If you choose to confess, prepare yourself mentally for the conversation. Courage is the ability to face your fears and do what you don’t enjoy. Remember, change and growth require pushing yourself and facing challenges. Practice what you want to say so that you can express yourself confidently when the time comes.
- Work on building self-confidence. You could say affirming statements aloud, engage in activities where you excel, or remind yourself of your past accomplishments.
- Remind yourself that even if your friend rejects your feelings, it’s not your fault. Sometimes, the issue lies more with them than with you. Rejection often has more to do with the other person not feeling the same way, rather than something wrong with you.
Choose the right time. Ask your friend to pick a time when both of you are free for a serious conversation. Select a private place where you can talk comfortably. Revealing your feelings in front of others or in a public setting may pressure or scare your friend.
Be honest and decisive. If you've tried not to fall for your friend, but it happened anyway, you need to let them know how you feel. If you’ve weighed the potential risks and feel it's worth the risk, then go ahead and share your feelings. Suppressing emotions isn't healthy, and if it's affecting your friendship, the best option is to talk it through. You don’t need to make it dramatic—just be honest, clear, and gentle. Avoid overwhelming your friend, try to keep it as calm as possible.
- Try saying something like: 'My feelings for you have changed, and I like you more than just as a friend. I want to try dating you. What do you think?'
Listen to your friend. After you’ve confessed your feelings, give your friend the chance to respond. Try to push aside your fear of rejection or the need to plan out what to say in return. Maintain eye contact, ask questions if necessary, and acknowledge their words to show you understand.
- Respect your friend's emotions. They might feel surprised, confused, angry, or a mix of different emotions. If they say they don't want to move forward into a romantic relationship with you, don’t pressure or argue with them. If they are confused and need time to think, give them space and let them know you’re always ready to talk more if they need to.
Give each other space. If you've fallen for your best friend, you may need some time to sort through your emotions and rethink what this friendship means to you. Your friend will also need space to process things or to ease any tension between the two of you.
- While giving your friend space, it's also best to reduce the amount of time you interact with them, including texting, calling, or chatting online.
- Try to clear them from your mind. You can push away thoughts of your crush by immersing yourself in hobbies or work, or by spending time with other friends.
Joshua Pompey
Relationship expert
Relationship expert
Experts agree: If you've fallen for your best friend and they don't feel the same, the difficult task is to pause the friendship until your feelings fade. Give yourself time to accept that they do not love you back.
Avoid your friend.
Avoid tempting situations. You don't have to completely avoid your friend, but it’s wise to steer clear of romantic scenarios. Putting yourself in situations that might stir up intense feelings or tempt you to act on them will only lead to disappointment and negatively affect your friendship.
- Avoid date-like situations such as watching movies alone or dining at a romantic restaurant.
- If you're of legal drinking age, try not to drink with your friend. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and might lead to poor decisions.
Decide when it's safe to return to a normal friendship. If both of you need some space, it’s important to determine how long this distance should last. There will come a time when you’ll want to reconnect and return to your usual friendship. The time you need apart can vary greatly, but setting a clear timeframe helps you track your emotional progress and figure out when it's safe to resume your friendship.
- This period depends on the individual. Some may need just a few weeks, while others might need months or even years.
Consider moving away. Though extreme, for some, this might be the best solution. If you believe your feelings won’t fade and you’re concerned about how they’ll affect your relationship, moving away could be a way to resolve the situation.
- You don’t need to move far. Simply relocating to another part of the city or a nearby city could reduce interaction.
- Remember, moving is a significant change. Such decisions should be carefully considered and might not be necessary if your feelings aren’t too deep.
Advice
- Remind yourself that you will eventually find someone who brings you happiness. Investing in a single person will feel better than pining after someone you can never have.
- Don't be hard on yourself. Falling for your best friend isn't wrong—it's actually quite common. The only thing you need to focus on is how to deal with your emotions.
Warning
- Don't harbor hatred for your friend. Remember, it's not their fault if you happen to fall in love. They are still your friend and deserve respect and kindness no matter what.
- If you're hurt, don't take it out on others. Don't use someone else to forget your unrequited love. When you're dating, make sure you're truly interested in the person. Otherwise, you’ll just hurt another person.
