Buzz
So you've agreed to a date, but now you're having second thoughts and really don't want to go through with it. First of all, know that this is completely normal, and you’re not being mean for reconsidering. Not every match is meant to be, and sometimes, you realize it later than expected. If you need help backing out of a date you've already committed to, this guide will show you how to do it as gently as possible.
Steps
Decide how you want to communicate.
You can cancel via text, phone call, or face-to-face. A quick, direct text is a simple way to cancel if you need a fast way out, especially if you haven't gone on a date yet or have only been casually seeing each other. For a more personal touch, consider calling them. If you've been seeing each other for a while or often run into them, canceling in person might be the most respectful option.
- If you choose to call, it’s polite to text first to ask when would be a good time to reach them. This way, your call won’t come as a surprise.
- If you're canceling in person, choose a private setting where you can have an honest, calm conversation, helping the person feel at ease.
Inform them as early as possible.
Avoid canceling on the day of the date if possible. Once you've made the decision that you're no longer interested, it's best to let them know right away. It's never easy to reject someone, but delaying it only creates more stress. Be proactive and let them know as soon as you realize it won’t work out.
- If possible, give your date at least 24 hours' notice.
Express appreciation for the invitation.
Begin with a sincere compliment. This will help soften the rejection and ensure the tone remains positive and considerate.
- Start with something like, "I really appreciate you asking me out on Tuesday."
- You could also say, "You're such an interesting person."
Be upfront and truthful with them.
This is the most direct and considerate approach. Let the person know that while you truly enjoyed meeting them, you're unable to go on the date. If you're comfortable, briefly share the reason why. Start with something positive about them, then keep your explanation short, polite, and clear. Avoid going into excessive detail.
- Send them a message like, "Hey! It was great talking with you, and you seem really cool. I wanted to let you know that I won’t be able to go out next week as I initially planned."
- Follow up with a brief reason if you're open to sharing. You could say, "I just don’t feel a spark" or "I'm not currently looking to date."
Provide a reason.
If you're not at ease being upfront, offer a reason for canceling. Avoid fabricating serious issues, such as a family emergency or loss. Instead, explain that you need to assist a friend or that work demands your time.
- Text them something like, "I'm really sorry, but I’m swamped with work and won’t be able to make our date on Tuesday."
- Just be cautious with this approach, as your date may attempt to reschedule. If they do, kindly tell them you're unable to reschedule at the moment. They'll likely understand.
Tell a small fib.
This can be a good choice if you're concerned about how they'll react. Let them know that you just came out of a serious relationship and aren't ready to date yet. Alternatively, mention that you're not seeking romantic connections at the moment. Keep in mind, however, that they might sense you're not being completely honest, especially if they know you well.
- Send a message like, "Hey! It's been great getting to know you, but I need to let you know I can't make it on Thursday. I just got out of a serious relationship and realized I’m not ready to date yet."
Be clear and decisive.
Don't leave room for a follow-up date if you're not interested in one. Make it clear that you're not going to the date and that you have no intention of scheduling another one. Phrase it in a way that clearly conveys you're not pursuing them romantically.
- For example, you might say, "I think you're a wonderful person, but I don't feel a romantic connection. I hope you understand!" or "Though I really enjoyed our time together, I'm not looking to continue this relationship. I truly wish you all the best."
- It might feel uncomfortable, but being straightforward will likely be appreciated. You don’t want to give them the impression that you’re still interested if you're not.
Propose other ways to stay connected if you’ll continue seeing them.
This is ideal if you'd like to keep a friendship intact. It’s a good approach if you’ll continue to see them regularly. Suggest a group hangout with mutual friends, or express that while you’re not interested in dating, you still look forward to collaborating or seeing them in other settings.
- If suggesting a group activity, you could say, "I’m not able to go on a date, but how about we all get together as friends? Would you be interested in seeing a movie with a group soon?"
- If you’re colleagues or classmates, try saying, "I’m not going to be able to go forward with our date, but I’m excited to see you in class on Monday!"
Cease communication if they’re not treating you respectfully.
You have no obligation to engage if they react rudely. This applies even if they refuse to accept your rejection. If their response bothers you or makes you feel unsafe, it’s okay to disengage. End the conversation, hang up the phone, or stop texting them. You can also block their number or social media accounts if they continue to contact you.
- Being rejected does not justify rude or aggressive behavior.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 1213 Mytour readers, and 62% agreed that if someone reacts negatively to being rejected, it's completely fine to stick to your decision and move on. [Take Poll]
- If they do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, reach out to a trusted adult or contact the authorities immediately. Your safety is the most important thing!
Keep in mind that you don’t owe them anything.
Don’t let guilt overwhelm you. Remember, it's not wrong to turn someone down. You simply don’t feel a romantic connection. Acknowledge that you’ve set healthy boundaries and trusted your instincts. Avoid apologizing or overthinking it.
- Rejecting someone or canceling a date isn’t unkind. It just means you’re not a match.
Don’t ghost them.
As difficult as it may be, let the person know you’re not going to go out with them. While ignoring their messages might seem like the easiest choice, it will leave them feeling confused and hurt. Be honest and cancel the date so you both have the clarity to move forward.
- Ghosting can lead them to keep reaching out, making the situation uncomfortable for everyone.
- Show respect by treating them as you would want to be treated. Though it’s uncomfortable, being direct and kind is the best approach when canceling a date.
