Buzz
If you're involved with someone who already has a main partner, it’s crucial to understand what this relationship entails. You shouldn’t expect it to become more than what it is—a way for both of you to enjoy each other’s company without worrying about where it might lead. Being a side chick is risky for everyone involved, so take time to think about your emotions and how you'd feel if the main partner found out. To be a side chick, it's important to manage your expectations, understand the responsibilities, and reflect on the consequences of your actions.
Steps
Understanding Expectations
Keep the relationship private. It’s essential to keep the relationship as confidential as possible. Ideally, only you and your partner should be aware of it. You may confide in a close friend, but avoid telling others about your side chick status. Don’t tag your partner on social media, and refrain from inviting them to family gatherings or vacations.
- It might be tempting to share your relationship with others, especially when emotions become involved. Consider whether you’re willing to maintain a secret relationship that can’t be openly celebrated with friends and family.
Expect plans to change. Recognize that your partner has a primary relationship that takes precedence. They will likely go to great lengths to keep their other partner unaware of you, so anticipate last-minute changes to plans. A dinner you’ve arranged might be canceled if your partner’s significant other needs them.
- Getting frustrated over canceled plans won’t help. Expect this to happen frequently.
Don’t ask about the future of the relationship. Your partner hasn’t left their primary partner for a reason. There could be many factors at play, such as a life they’ve built together that’s difficult to abandon or a desire to stay with their partner while enjoying time with you. Don’t inquire about where the relationship is headed, as you might not like the answer.
- If you seek a future-oriented relationship, consider moving on to someone who can prioritize you.
Focus on your time with your partner. Try not to dwell on the past or future. Focus on enjoying the present moments with your partner. When you’re not together, don’t obsess over what they’re doing or question what’s going on with them.
Avoid falling in love. It’s natural to develop feelings for someone you’re romantically involved with. However, falling in love can lead to heartache. Try to keep your emotions light, even if it feels challenging. Feelings may be uncontrollable, but strive not to invest too deeply in the relationship.
- If you do fall in love, express it to your partner. If they react negatively, it might be time to move on. You can say, “I think I’m starting to develop strong feelings for you. Do you feel the same? If not, how do you feel about what I’ve just said?”
Maintaining Boundaries
Give your partner space. Avoid being the one who always initiates contact. Your partner probably doesn’t want more than one main relationship—they already have a primary one. Your role is to offer something different: be the person they turn to for fun and excitement. Let them have their own space when you're not together.
- Spend time with your friends. Enjoy yourself without worrying about checking in every few minutes. Doing so will only make them think you want something more.
Keep things exciting. When your partner reaches out, keep the conversation lively and engaging. A side chick’s main role is to provide fun and novelty. If you give short answers or act disinterested, they’ll start to wish they were doing something else, or even spending time with their main partner. Share funny stories, ask how they’re feeling, and surprise them with plans for something to do.
- Maintain a positive outlook. A big part of why your partner is with you could be as an escape from their regular routine.
Don't ask questions. Consider the time you spend together as your moment to be a part of your partner’s world. Don’t inquire with questions like, "Where were you?" or "Why didn’t you call?" or "Why are you always so busy?" If you want the relationship to continue, these questions should be off-limits.
- You’re in this situation knowingly, so there’s no point in being jealous or surprised. Acting possessive will only complicate things for both of you.
Don’t expect to celebrate holidays with your partner. If your partner cares enough, they might celebrate with you a day before or after the actual holiday, but you shouldn't expect gifts or any acknowledgment on special days. These holidays are usually reserved for their main partner. It’s okay to send a text to wish them a happy New Year, Christmas, or birthday, but a phone call is best avoided.
- Do not try to contact them on Valentine’s Day.
Considering Implications
Be cautious when it comes to sexual health. Your partner is likely still intimate with their main partner, and they may or may not be using protection. If you’re sexually active with them, make sure to protect yourself. Choose contraceptives that are right for you and get tested immediately if you’re concerned about your sexual health.
- Ask your partner about their history with STDs. This might be a sensitive conversation, but it’s essential. Inquire if they’ve ever been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. If they haven’t, ask if they would be willing to get tested, and you could offer to test with them.
Expect to get caught eventually. In most cases, infidelity is eventually discovered. Don’t be surprised if your partner suddenly ends things with you, or if their main partner reaches out to you. Enter the situation knowing that it’s likely to be uncovered at some point, and the relationship can't last forever. Be prepared for how you’ll handle being caught.
- When contacted by their main partner, don’t react disrespectfully. They’re probably feeling hurt and betrayed, and it’s important to remember that it’s not their fault they've been cheated on.
Consider the potential harm. It’s highly probable that everyone involved will be hurt in some way. You, your partner, and their significant other may all suffer when the situation comes to light. Decide if you’re ready to potentially hurt yourself and others, and understand that you may be contributing to the end of a relationship or family unit.
Think about the future. Is this relationship just a fleeting experience, or do you want to keep it going for the long haul? While living in the moment with your partner is important, eventually you’ll need to consider what comes next. Think about your future and where you want to be in the next chapter of your life. If it doesn’t include being a side chick, it may be best to end things.
- Remember that if the situation becomes public, it could impact your career (especially if they’re a coworker) and your relationships with family and friends.
Leave if you're unhappy. A secret relationship can be emotionally draining over time. Don’t stay in a situation that’s making you unhappy. Your well-being should always come first. Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling and ask for change. If they don’t offer a solution, don’t stick around hoping things will improve.
- You could say something like, “I’m starting to feel uncomfortable and not as happy as before. Can we do something to fix this, or would it be better for me to move on?”
The tips provided in this section are drawn from the real-life experiences of Mytour readers like you. If you have valuable advice you'd like to contribute to Mytour, please share it using the form below.
- Think about your long-term goals before becoming a side. Does this relationship align with how you picture your future in the next 5 or 10 years? If not, avoid potential heartache by staying away.
- Maintain self-respect and avoid compromising your values or dignity. If you’re staying in the relationship simply to meet someone else’s needs, the emotional toll may outweigh any short-term benefits.
- Protect your sexual health if intimacy occurs. Since your partner is likely involved with their main partner, insist on safe practices and regular STD testing to reduce health risks.
- Prepare for the relationship to end eventually, possibly unexpectedly. Most affairs are eventually discovered, so mentally prepare yourself for sudden shifts or contact from the main partner.
- Focus on making the most of your limited time together. Constantly questioning your partner's availability or schedule often leads to the relationship ending sooner than expected.
- Don’t contribute to the cycle of infidelity if you wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end. Think about how everyone involved might feel if the roles were reversed before moving forward as a side.
